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December 2005
   -Technically Speaking
   -Let's Take a PEEK at PEAC-WMD v.5
   -News and Events
   -Just What the Doctor Ordered
   -Wonderful Wyoming
   -Seriously Speaking

Just What the Doctor Ordered - More great humor to get you through the month

                                        

AIRPORT MISTLETOE

 

It is the beginning of December.  The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back.  The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blaring annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

 

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

 

Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe.  Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and ‘pointier’ parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

 

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, “Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

 

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”

 

(pause)

 

“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

 

“That’s not why it’s there.”

 

(pause)

 

“Ok, I give up.  Why is it there?”

 

“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

 

For the curious who might not know of the “tradition” of kissing under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.

 

The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient Scandinavia – to custom and the Norse myths:  “It was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity.  If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained truce until the next day.”  This ancient Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.  It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe.  Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage!  Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!

 

COMPUTERS vs GENERAL MOTORS

 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives:  At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”  In response to Gate’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

 

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator and warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

 

BUS DRIVER’S CHRISTMAS

 

I am a bus driver for high school kids.  It is Christmas time and the kids all gave me cards and presents.

 

Now I’m thinking, “Man, I must be a good driver and the kids even like me.”

 

I opened the cards when I got home.

 

On the inside of one card it said:  “Thanks for not killing us yet.  We really appreciate it.”

 

NORTH POLE GOES CORPORATE

 

The recent announcement that Donner & Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement plan package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

 

Streamlining was no longer appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business.

 

Home shopping channels, mail order catalogs, and online merchants have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

 

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model luxury Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip.  Improved productivity from Dasher & Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slacking with no discernable loss of service.  Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

 

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.  Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way from substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the his load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time when he was known to be under executive stress.

 

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.  Effective immediately, the following economic measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

 

·         The partridge will be retrained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted.  It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

 

·         The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.  In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned, and the positions are, therefore, eliminated.

 

·         The three French Hens will remain intact.  After all, everybody loves the French. (Right.)

 

·         The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option.  An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.

 

·         The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.  Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.  Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix to T Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

 

·         The six geese a laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.  It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.  Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

 

·         The seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.  Their function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans are on order.  The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

 

·         As you know, the eight maids a milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC.  A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.  The more militant maids consider this a dead end job with no upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a mending, a mentoring, or a mulching.

 

·         Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

 

·         Tens Lords a leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing the group with ten out of work congressmen.  While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

 

·         Eleven pipers piping & twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big.  A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

 

·         We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over 12 days is inefficient.  If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

 

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association, seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers a suing”), action is pending.

 

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

 

REFORMING SANTA (2014 A.D.)

 

(Dec 19 - 01:54a.m. EST) – NEWS ITEM:  Santa’s reindeer have been barred from the Christmas Pageant for Peace, Washington’s official holiday display.  The National Park Service agreed to remove Dasher, Prancer & Co. following complaints from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals – PETA – an animal rights group.  Associated Press, Dec.13, 1996

 

Hard to believe now, but it wasn’t until 1996 –just a few years ago – that the rehabilitation of Santa Claus began in earnest.  PETA’s effortless victory in excluding Santa’s reindeer from the national Christmas pageant that year encouraged other progressive organizations to mount challenges of their own.

 

The Ms. Foundation and the National Organization for Women were among the first to follow in PETA’s footsteps.  Early in 1997, they issued a joint report blasting “the patriarchal hegemony that taints everything connected with Santa Claus.”  Newspapers and retailers were urged to drop the term “Father Christmas.”  Illustrators were pressured to break the glass ceiling that had kept Mrs. Claus suppressed for so long.  Some Yuletide decorations for the first time portrayed Santa as female, and scenes of Santa’s North Pole workshop started depicting female elves in positions of authority.

 

The workshop itself soon came under attack.  In a scathing “60 Minutes” expose, Santa’s operation was characterized as a sweatshop, with numerous violations of OSHA standards and elves forced to work double shifts.  “Elves are people, too,” fumed a former Labor Secretary in a New York Times column, “Employers like Santa Claus make it clear why we must strengthen the Family and Medical Leave Act.”

 

In June 1999 came an influential cover story in the Atlantic Monthly.  “The Predator at the Pole” electrified environmental activists, who launched a global campaign to end Santa’s despoliation of the Northern Arctic wilderness.  At its national convention the following year, the Sierra Club pronounced Santa Claus “Environmental Enemy No. 1.”  The Vice President delivered the keynote address, vowing a federal crusade to “put a halt to Santa’s ecological crimes now and forever.”

 

Meanwhile, municipal officials in Madison, Wisconsin and Oakland, California had sued Santa Clause in the first of what would become a wave of noise pollution lawsuits.  The increasingly unpopular holiday icon was charged with violating sound abatement ordinances during his Christmas Eve toy deliveries.  Santa denied the charges, but the evidence given by homeowners was overwhelmingly against him.  As one witness, Clement Moore, put it, “When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.”

 

By muzzling his reindeer and muffling his sleigh, Santa was able to continue his nocturnal December 24th rounds for a few more seasons.  But he was welcomed in fewer and fewer places.  Domestic violence activists accused him of being a stalker.  In several communities, restraining orders were issued.  “Maybe Santa hasn’t hurt anybody yet,” said one leading women’s advocate, in a CNN interview with Larry King.  “But he’s obviously a menace.  He snoops around homes at night, he keeps dossiers on people’s behavior, he warns that they ‘better watch out’ because he’s ‘coming to town.’  The guy is dangerous!  He needs therapy.”

 

By 2006, “BEWARE” posters with Santa’s photograph were a common sight in US mails every December.  Needless to say, the Santa shown in the poster had changed markedly since 1996.  For one thing, his suits were no longer trimmed with fur.  After demonstrators from PETA hurled red paint at him during an appearance at Radio City Music Hall, Santa switched to an all synthetics wardrobe.

 

Nor was Santa seen anymore with a pipe in his mouth, puffing second-hand smoke as in days of old.  The Food and Drug Administration had seen to that.  He was no longer fat either.  When the Center for Science in the Public Interest issued a blistering report on Santa’s eating habits, it marked the end of his Christmas Eve snacks.  The milk and cookies disappeared.

 

But the biggest change of all was in Santa’s expression.  In olden times, he always had a jolly laugh; his eyes were always twinkling.  Today, Santa is enlightened, sensitive, and politically correct.  But for some strange reason, he never smiles.

 

 

A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S GIFTS

 

Ladies, with the holidays coming, this is going to be a big help in selecting that special gift for the man in your life!

 

Rule #1:  When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill.   It does not matter if he already has one.  I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain.  As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.  No one knows why.

 

Rule #2:  If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.  Men love saying those two words.  “Hey George, can I borrow you ratchet?”  “OK.  By the way, are you through with my 3/8th inch socket yet?”  Again, no one knows why.

 

Rule #3:  If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.  A 99¢ ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear-view mirror.  Men love gifts for their cars.  No one knows why.

 

Rule #4:  Do not buy men socks.  Do not buy men ties.  And never buy men bathrobes.  I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

 

Rule #5:  You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.  If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner.  Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

 

Rule #6:  Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs.  If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

 

Rule #7:  Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.  I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

 

Rule #8:  Buy men label makers.  Almost as good as cordless drills.  Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.  Socks.  Shorts.  Cups. Saucers.  Door.  Lock.  Sink.  You get the idea.  No one knows why.

 

Rule #9:  Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box.  It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

 

Rule #10:  Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.  (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s store.  It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is.  “From NAPA Auto, eh?  Must be something I need.  Hey!  Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane?  Wow!  Thanks!”)

 

Rule #11:  Men enjoy danger.  That’s why they never cook – but they barbecue.  Get him a monster barbecue with a 100# propane tank.  Tell him the gas line leaks.  “Oh the thrill!  The challenge!  Who wants a hamburger?”

 

Rule #12:  Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Broncos game are a smart gift.  However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A retrospective of 19th Century Quilts":  Everyone knows why.

 

Rule #13:  Men love chainsaws.  Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw.  If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

 

Rule #14:  It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.  Never buy a real man a stepladder.  It must be an extension ladder.  No one knows why.

 

Rule #15:  Rope.  Men love rope.  It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts.  Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8th manila rope.  No one knows why.

 

A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S GIFTS (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

 

Above is posted “A woman’s Guide to Men’s Gifts.”  I thought it appropriate that the gift list have a “man’s perspective.”

  After all, IT IS A LIST OF GIFTS FOR MEN.

 

Ladies, with the holidays coming, this is going to be a big help in selecting that special gift for the man in your life!

 

Rule #1:  When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill.   It does not matter if he already has one.  I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain.  As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.  No one knows why.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #1:  Cordless drill batteries wear out after a couple of years, and instead of buying 2 replacement batteries for $47 each, buy a new cordless drill kit with 2 batteries for $89!  You get a new cordless drill plus two fresh batteries for less than the cost of two replacement batteries.  To really excel, find out if the new battery types are compatible with the older style, you’ll really score huge points for that one.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #1:  That is not why men love cordless drills.  I’m talking lust!  For years we wanted them, hating the pesky cords.  After we finally get one, the passion doesn’t die.  More, more.  I’d use them in both hands, slapping batteries in like a clip into a full automatic.  Take that you dirty picture hanging job.  You too, low down deck planking.  Besides, there are always new, better ones.  Think of it as women and their shoes.

 

Rule #2:  If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.  Men love saying those two words.  “Hey George, can I borrow you ratchet?”  “OK.  By the way, are you through with my 3/8th inch socket yet?”  Again, no one knows why.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #2:  You can NEVER have too many tools; duplicates of every tool means a ready replacement for breakage or if you have to twist in alternating directions with both hands.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #2:  Breakage?  We just need more because that’s what more means.  That and so we can actually find one of the suckers when we need one.

 

Rule #3:  If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.  A 99¢ ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear-view mirror.  Men love gifts for their cars.  No one knows why.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #3:  Cars can be construed (by guys) as mechanical works of art.  Better to buy anything to clean or wax it with (e.g., special “auto detergent”, a new type of carnuba wax, an orbital buffer, etc.)  Don’t buy dangly key chain thingies, or anything that might be considered a little “foo-foo”, guys hate foo-foo.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #3:  We like it when you care about what we care about.  He’s right about the foo-foo.

 

Rule #4:  Do not buy men socks.  Do not buy men ties.  And never buy men bathrobes.  I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #4:  Right, correct, and absolutely.  Men are not really interested in dressing up like a lady does.  Instead, buy him sweats (a matching pair with the logo of his favorite sports team), or something in woodland camouflage.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #4:  Dressing us up is going the wrong way.  Besides, isn’t that just another way of trying to change us?

 

Rule #5:  You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.  If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner.  Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #5:  ‘Nuff said…

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #5:  Can’t argue here.

 

Rule #6:  Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs.  If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #6:  That’s so true.  At my house, everything like that, accrued over the past two years, has been relegated to a shelf in the garage.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #6:  Somehow, the mood is never upon us to try drinking something new and weird.  We’re funny like that.

 

Rule #7:  Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.  I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #7:  Not interested in smelling nice, get him a quart container of “Gunk Waterless Cleaner” instead.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #7:  Not smelling nice is just somebody else’s problem.

 

Rule #8:  Buy men label makers.  Almost as good as cordless drills.  Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.  Socks.  Shorts.  Cups.  Saucers.  Door.  Lock.  Sink.  You get the idea.  No one knows why.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #8:  Order IS beauty … everyone knows that.  For the technological man in your household, get him one of the electronic label makers that can change the font, the size, the color ribbon, etc., and it prints instead of impacts the letters.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #8:  Men like order?  Take out, maybe.  We just like getting credit for accomplishing something even if it isn’t really anything.

 

Rule #9:  Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box.  It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #9:  I don’t know about that.  Part of being a man is the challenge of creating something “from scratch”.  Who really needs directions, anyway?  Men have an inborn ability to KNOW how things go together.  So there are a few parts left over.  I never let a little thing like that stop me!

 

Rule #10:  Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.  (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s store.  It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is.  “From NAPA Auto, eh?  Must be something I need.  Hey!  Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane?  Wow!  Thanks!”)

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #10:  A ’68 Fairlane may be a little limited, something infinitely better is a barely used 4 barrel Holley carb off a 454 SHO.  It may even be adaptable to a lawn tractor.

 

Rule #11:  Men enjoy danger.  That’s why they never cook – but they barbecue.  Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 lb propane tank.  Tell him the gas line leaks.  “Oh the thrill!  The challenge!  Who wants a hamburger?”

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #11:  Plus a knit cap, Gore-Tex cooking gloves.  Teflon coated metal or titanium cooking utensils, a 15 lb. chemical fire extinguisher that’ll fit a NASCAR roll cage mounting bracket, etc.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #11:  Fire, smoke, hot steel. What’s not to like?

 

Rule #12:  Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Broncos game are a smart gift.  However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."  Everyone know why.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #12:  “Quilts?  Ummm, I need to change the oil in the truck and give it a tune-up, but you go ahead without me…”

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #12:  Do you need help under that truck?

 

Rule #13:  Men love chainsaws.  Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw.  If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #13:  Chainsaws are a “coming of age” tool for a man, much like a first pickup truck or a 30-06 rifle.  A corollary:  If you chose to get him a chainsaw, get him the biggest or next to the biggest chainsaw you can find; preferably the type used up in the Yukon or Canadian territories.  Get the bright orange & white Stihl 24 incher or the bright red Husqvarna with a massive wood hook to jam into the log while cutting.  Never mind that he’ll only ever use it to cut up the firewood he already bought in small chunks, it’ll actually become a conversation piece among his friends, and soon every other wife will have you to thank for buying him his chainsaw pride & joy.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #13:  It is not a thing a man will buy for himself, it has to be awarded.

 

Rule #14:  It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.  Never buy a real man a stepladder.  It must be an extension ladder.  No one knows why.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #14:  Stepladders are for changing light bulbs.  Real work requires the ability to extend to the peak of your roof from the side of the house, even if you could use a 12 footer to get over the low side.  You never know when you’ll have to install a new satellite system.  A minimum of 24’, Class 1A extension ladder in either aluminum or fiberglass.

 

Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #14:  We just don’t need a stepladder.  A chair or table will do.  When we have to stack 10 or 12 up…. THEN we need an extension ladder.

 

Rule #15:  Rope.  Men love rope.  It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts.    Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8th manila rope.  No one knows why.

 

Tom’s Explanation to Rule #15:  Rope is a universal tool.  You can pull a disabled car to the garage, remove an engine block, tie down a load of lumber, or lift a heavy item straight to the second floor without going through the house.  Better would be 100+ feet of 10mm climbing rope that can be used for rappelling on weekends or building a rope bridge.

 

HOW TO APPROACH THE HOLIDAYS!

 

1 – Avoid carrot sticks.  Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

 

2 – Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  Like fine single malt scotch, it’s rare.  In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch.  You can’t find it any other time of the year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.  It’s a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one for me.  Have two.  It’s later than you think.  It’s Christmas!

 

3 – If something comes with gravy, use it.  That’s the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone.  Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

 

4 – As for mashed potatoes, always ask it they’re made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it’s skim, pass.  Why bother?  It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 

5 – Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Lots of it.  Hello?

 

6 – Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7 – If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes.  If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

 

8 – Same for pies.  Apple.  Pumpkin.  Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three.  When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?

 

9 – Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have some standards for heaven’s sake.

 

10 – One final tip:  If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. 

 

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

 

TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS

 

“Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

 

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

 

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

 

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’ prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

 

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

 

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

 

I said to myself, as I only can

“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

 

So—away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip

 

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

“Till all the additional ounces have vanished. 

 

I won’t have a cookie—not even a lick.

I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

 

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

 

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore---

But isn’t that what January is for?

 

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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