Just What
the Doctor Ordered - More great humor to
get you through the month
AIRPORT MISTLETOE
It is the beginning of December. The
trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The
airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blaring
annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was
not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not
real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts
and green paint on some of the flatter and ‘pointier’ parts, that could be taken for
mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the
lady attendant, “Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such
a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”
“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”
(pause)
“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have to step
forward for a kiss.”
“That’s not why it’s there.”
(pause)
“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”
“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”
For the curious who might not know of the “tradition” of kissing under the mistletoe,
let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient
Scandinavia
– to custom and the Norse myths: “It
was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If
enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained
truce until the next day.” This ancient
Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It
may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional
kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures
say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal
of marriage! Most cultures around the
world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available
for a kiss!
COMPUTERS vs GENERAL
MOTORS
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have
enhanced our lives: At a recent computer
expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto
industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” In
response to Gate’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
-
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
-
Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
-
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the
car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
-
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
-
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as
fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
-
The oil, water temperature, and alternator and warning lights would all be replaced
by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
-
The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
-
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna.
-
Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old
car.
-
You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
BUS DRIVER’S CHRISTMAS
I am a bus driver for high school kids. It
is Christmas time and the kids all gave me cards and presents.
Now I’m thinking, “Man, I must be a good driver and the kids even like me.”
I opened the cards when I got home.
On the inside of one card it said: “Thanks
for not killing us yet. We really appreciate
it.”
NORTH POLE GOES CORPORATE
The recent announcement that Donner & Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer
retirement plan package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will
be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was no longer appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole
no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business.
Home shopping channels, mail order catalogs, and online merchants have diminished
Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the
profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model luxury Japanese
sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher & Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is
anticipated and should take up the slacking with no discernable loss of service. Reduction
in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North
Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition
still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got
that way from substance abuse. Calling
Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the his load”
was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context
at a time when he was known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue
to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economic measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days
of Christmas” subsidiary:
· The
partridge will be retrained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop
forecasted. It will be replaced by a
plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
· The
two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In
addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned, and the positions
are, therefore, eliminated.
· The
three French Hens will remain intact. After
all, everybody loves the French. (Right.)
· The
four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting
option. An analysis is underway to determine
who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
· The
five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining
a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix to T Bills and high technology stocks appear to be
in order.
· The
six geese a laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It
has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example
of the decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
· The
seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical
swans are on order. The current swans
will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
· As
you know, the eight maids a milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A
male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The
more militant maids consider this a dead end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try a mending, a mentoring, or a mulching.
· Nine
ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.
· Tens
Lords a leaping is overkill. The high
cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing the group with ten out of work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
· Eleven
pipers piping & twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting
too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop
right down to the bottom line.
· We
can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though
incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over 12 days is inefficient. If
we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association, seeking expansion to include
the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers a suing”), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future
to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White division to see if
seven dwarfs is the right number.
REFORMING SANTA (2014 A.D.)
(Dec 19 - 01:54a.m. EST) – NEWS ITEM: Santa’s
reindeer have been barred from the Christmas Pageant for Peace, Washington’s official
holiday display. The National Park Service
agreed to remove Dasher, Prancer & Co. following complaints from People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals – PETA – an animal rights group. Associated
Press, Dec.13, 1996
Hard to believe now, but it wasn’t until 1996 –just a few years ago – that the rehabilitation
of Santa Claus began in earnest. PETA’s
effortless victory in excluding Santa’s reindeer from the national Christmas pageant
that year encouraged other progressive organizations to mount challenges of their
own.
The Ms. Foundation and the National Organization for Women were
among the first to follow in PETA’s footsteps. Early
in 1997, they issued a joint report blasting “the patriarchal hegemony that taints
everything connected with Santa Claus.” Newspapers
and retailers were urged to drop the term “Father Christmas.” Illustrators
were pressured to break the glass ceiling that had kept Mrs. Claus suppressed for
so long. Some Yuletide decorations for
the first time portrayed Santa as female, and scenes of Santa’s North Pole workshop
started depicting female elves in positions of authority.
The workshop itself soon came under attack. In
a scathing “60 Minutes” expose, Santa’s operation was characterized as a sweatshop,
with numerous violations of OSHA standards and elves forced to work double shifts. “Elves
are people, too,” fumed a former Labor Secretary in a New York Times column, “Employers
like Santa Claus make it clear why we must strengthen the Family and Medical Leave
Act.”
In June 1999 came an influential cover story in the Atlantic Monthly. “The
Predator at the Pole” electrified environmental activists, who launched a global campaign
to end Santa’s despoliation of the Northern Arctic wilderness. At
its national convention the following year, the Sierra Club pronounced Santa Claus
“Environmental Enemy No. 1.” The Vice
President delivered the keynote address, vowing a federal crusade to “put a halt to
Santa’s ecological crimes now and forever.”
Meanwhile, municipal officials in Madison, Wisconsin and Oakland, California had sued
Santa Clause in the first of what would become a wave of noise pollution lawsuits. The
increasingly unpopular holiday icon was charged with violating sound abatement ordinances
during his Christmas Eve toy deliveries. Santa
denied the charges, but the evidence given by homeowners was overwhelmingly against
him. As one witness, Clement Moore, put
it, “When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see
what was the matter.”
By muzzling his reindeer and muffling his sleigh, Santa was able to continue his nocturnal
December 24th rounds for a few more seasons. But
he was welcomed in fewer and fewer places. Domestic
violence activists accused him of being a stalker. In
several communities, restraining orders were issued. “Maybe
Santa hasn’t hurt anybody yet,” said one leading women’s advocate, in a CNN interview
with Larry King. “But he’s obviously
a menace. He snoops around homes at night,
he keeps dossiers on people’s behavior, he warns that they ‘better watch out’ because
he’s ‘coming to town.’ The guy is dangerous! He
needs therapy.”
By 2006, “BEWARE” posters with Santa’s photograph were a common sight in US mails
every December. Needless to say, the
Santa shown in the poster had changed markedly since 1996. For
one thing, his suits were no longer trimmed with fur. After
demonstrators from PETA hurled red paint at him during an appearance at Radio City
Music Hall, Santa switched to an all synthetics wardrobe.
Nor was Santa seen anymore with a pipe in his mouth, puffing second-hand smoke as
in days of old. The Food and Drug Administration
had seen to that. He was no longer fat
either. When the Center for Science in
the Public Interest issued a blistering report on Santa’s eating habits, it marked
the end of his Christmas Eve snacks. The
milk and cookies disappeared.
But the biggest change of all was in Santa’s expression. In
olden times, he always had a jolly laugh; his eyes were always twinkling. Today,
Santa is enlightened, sensitive, and politically correct. But
for some strange reason, he never smiles.
A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S GIFTS
Ladies, with the holidays coming, this is going to be a big help in selecting that
special gift for the man in your life!
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless
drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who
owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As
a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No
one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless
drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men
love saying those two words. “Hey George,
can I borrow you ratchet?” “OK. By
the way, are you through with my 3/8th inch socket yet?” Again,
no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke,
buy him anything for his car. A 99¢
ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear-view mirror. Men
love gifts for their cars. No one knows
why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do
not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I
was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn’t have invented Jockey
shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls
to replace the ones they have worn out. If
you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the
corner. Watch him go wild as he flips,
and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those
fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit
in a cupboard for 23 years.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized
canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m
told they do not stink – they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost
as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You
get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that
says “some assembly required” on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men
include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center,
and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts
and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s store. It
doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From
NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t
this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks!”)
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s
why they never cook – but they barbecue. Get
him a monster barbecue with a 100# propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Broncos
game are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to “A retrospective of 19th Century Quilts": Everyone
knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never,
ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If
you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label
maker.
Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really
good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never
buy a real man a stepladder. It must
be an extension ladder. No one knows
why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men
love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing
says love like a hundred feet of 3/8th manila rope. No
one knows why.
A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S GIFTS (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
Above is posted “A woman’s Guide to Men’s Gifts.” I
thought it appropriate that the gift list have a “man’s perspective.”
After all, IT IS A LIST OF GIFTS
FOR MEN.
Ladies, with the holidays coming, this is going to be a big help in selecting that
special gift for the man in your life!
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless
drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who
owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As
a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No
one knows why.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #1: Cordless
drill batteries wear out after a couple of years, and instead of buying 2 replacement
batteries for $47 each, buy a new cordless drill kit with 2 batteries for $89! You
get a new cordless drill plus two fresh batteries for less than the cost of two replacement
batteries. To really excel, find out
if the new battery types are compatible with the older style, you’ll really score
huge points for that one.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #1: That
is not why men love cordless drills. I’m
talking lust! For years we wanted them,
hating the pesky cords. After we finally
get one, the passion doesn’t die. More,
more. I’d use them in both hands, slapping
batteries in like a clip into a full automatic. Take
that you dirty picture hanging job. You
too, low down deck planking. Besides,
there are always new, better ones. Think
of it as women and their shoes.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless
drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men
love saying those two words. “Hey George,
can I borrow you ratchet?” “OK. By
the way, are you through with my 3/8th inch socket yet?” Again,
no one knows why.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #2: You can
NEVER have too many tools; duplicates of every tool means a ready replacement for
breakage or if you have to twist in alternating directions with both hands.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #2: Breakage? We
just need more because that’s what more means. That
and so we can actually find one of the suckers when we need one.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke,
buy him anything for his car. A 99¢
ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear-view mirror. Men
love gifts for their cars. No one knows
why.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #3: Cars can
be construed (by guys) as mechanical works of art. Better
to buy anything to clean or wax it with (e.g., special “auto detergent”, a new type
of carnuba wax, an orbital buffer, etc.) Don’t
buy dangly key chain thingies, or anything that might be considered a little “foo-foo”,
guys hate foo-foo.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #3: We
like it when you care about what we care about. He’s
right about the foo-foo.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do
not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I
was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn’t have invented Jockey
shorts.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #4: Right,
correct, and absolutely. Men are not
really interested in dressing up like a lady does. Instead,
buy him sweats (a matching pair with the logo of his favorite sports team), or something
in woodland camouflage.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #4: Dressing
us up is going the wrong way. Besides,
isn’t that just another way of trying to change us?
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls
to replace the ones they have worn out. If
you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the
corner. Watch him go wild as he flips,
and flips, and flips.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #5: ‘Nuff said…
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #5: Can’t
argue here.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those
fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit
in a cupboard for 23 years.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #6: That’s
so true. At my house, everything like
that, accrued over the past two years, has been relegated to a shelf in the garage.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #6: Somehow,
the mood is never upon us to try drinking something new and weird. We’re
funny like that.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized
canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m
told they do not stink – they are earthy.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #7: Not interested
in smelling nice, get him a quart container of “Gunk Waterless Cleaner” instead.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #7: Not
smelling nice is just somebody else’s problem.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost
as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You
get the idea. No one knows why.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #8: Order IS
beauty … everyone knows that. For the
technological man in your household, get him one of the electronic label makers that
can change the font, the size, the color ribbon, etc., and it prints instead of impacts
the letters.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #8: Men
like order? Take out, maybe. We
just like getting credit for accomplishing something even if it isn’t really anything.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that
says “some assembly required” on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #9: I don’t
know about that. Part of being a man
is the challenge of creating something “from scratch”. Who
really needs directions, anyway? Men
have an inborn ability to KNOW how things go together. So
there are a few parts left over. I never
let a little thing like that stop me!
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men
include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center,
and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts
and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s store. It
doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From
NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t
this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks!”)
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #10: A ’68
Fairlane may be a little limited, something infinitely better is a barely used 4 barrel
Holley carb off a 454 SHO. It may even
be adaptable to a lawn tractor.
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s
why they never cook – but they barbecue. Get
him a monster barbecue with a 100 lb propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #11: Plus a
knit cap, Gore-Tex cooking gloves. Teflon
coated metal or titanium cooking utensils, a 15 lb. chemical fire extinguisher that’ll
fit a NASCAR roll cage mounting bracket, etc.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #11: Fire,
smoke, hot steel. What’s not to like?
Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Broncos
game are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to “A retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
know why.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #12: “Quilts? Ummm,
I need to change the oil in the truck and give it a tune-up, but you go ahead without
me…”
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #12: Do
you need help under that truck?
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never,
ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If
you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label
maker.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #13: Chainsaws
are a “coming of age” tool for a man, much like a first pickup truck or a 30-06 rifle. A
corollary: If you chose to get him a
chainsaw, get him the biggest or next to the biggest chainsaw you can find; preferably
the type used up in the Yukon or Canadian territories. Get
the bright orange & white Stihl 24 incher or the bright red Husqvarna with a massive
wood hook to jam into the log while cutting. Never
mind that he’ll only ever use it to cut up the firewood he already bought in small
chunks, it’ll actually become a conversation piece among his friends, and soon every
other wife will have you to thank for buying him his chainsaw pride & joy.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #13: It
is not a thing a man will buy for himself, it has to be awarded.
Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really
good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never
buy a real man a stepladder. It must
be an extension ladder. No one knows
why.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #14: Stepladders
are for changing light bulbs. Real work
requires the ability to extend to the peak of your roof from the side of the house,
even if you could use a 12 footer to get over the low side. You
never know when you’ll have to install a new satellite system. A
minimum of 24’, Class 1A extension ladder in either aluminum or fiberglass.
Brad’s Comments to Tom’s Explanation to Rule #14: We
just don’t need a stepladder. A chair
or table will do. When we have to stack
10 or 12 up…. THEN we need an extension ladder.
Rule #15: Rope. Men
love rope. It takes them back to their
cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing
says love like a hundred feet of 3/8th manila rope. No
one knows why.
Tom’s Explanation to Rule #15: Rope is
a universal tool. You can pull a disabled
car to the garage, remove an engine block, tie down a load of lumber, or lift a heavy
item straight to the second floor without going through the house. Better
would be 100+ feet of 10mm climbing rope that can be used for rappelling on weekends
or building a rope bridge.
HOW TO APPROACH THE HOLIDAYS!
1 – Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In
fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go
next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2 – Drink as much eggnog as you can. And
quickly. Like fine single malt scotch,
it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can’t find it
any other time of the year but now. So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It’s not as if
you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s
a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It’s
later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3 – If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s
the whole point of gravy. Gravy does
not stand alone. Pour it on. Make
a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill
it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4 – As for mashed potatoes, always ask it they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If
it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s
like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5 – Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The
whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots
of it. Hello?
6 – Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You
can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This
is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7 – If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have
as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re
like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you
leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8 – Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have
a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like
mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9 – Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted,
it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I
mean, have some standards for heaven’s sake.
10 – One final tip: If you don’t feel
terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying
attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
“Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’ prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So—away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie—not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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