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 October 2005

Technically Speaking

Let's Take a PEEK
at PEAC-WMD v.5

Customer Service Corner

Just What the Doctor Ordered

Wonderful Wyoming

Seriously Speaking

Something To Think About

Just What the Doctor Ordered - more great humor to get you through the month!

LETTER FROM CAMP

Dear Mom & Dad: 

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chads mother and tell her he is OK. He cant write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. And some of our clothes too. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Dont worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isnt any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldnt let me because I cant swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isnt crabby like some scoutmasters. He didnt even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.


I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Billy

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?


ELECTRICITY

Today's question: what in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff you feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friends mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.


It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked batches of electrons, which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friends filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:

If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just a well because there was no place to plug them in.

Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklins brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, A penny saved is a penny earned. Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came other Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and frogs leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvanis discovery let to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond. However, water is a great conductor of electricity and the frog is immediately electrocuted.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edisons first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edisons greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edisons design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately get the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvanis, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliances so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operation to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from Bulldozer to Eyeball.


SAVING US FROM OURSELVES

Last year, Vermont ran a trade-in program. Bring us your old, your poor, your outmoded mercury laden thermometers: the state advertised, and we will give you a FREE digital thermometer in exchange. The state was worried that someone would drop a mercury unit and poison the environment or bite the end off one and be poisoned personally. I want it noted for the record that I had never broken a mercury thermometer until I dropped ours on the way to the pharmacy to exchange it. We now have a brand new digital fever thermometer with a lifetime guarantee (what, theyre going to give me my money back?), a soft and flexible tip for added comfort, a built-in beeper, and a fast, easy to read display. The package also included the following label:

This digital fever thermometer contains a replaceable button battery which should last for many years. Button batteries contain a very small amount of mercury . . .


THE RANCH


A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

Well, said the would be cattleman. I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, were calling it the Bar-J- Suzy-Q- Flying-W- Lazy-Y Ranch.

But where are all your cattle?

So far, none have survived the branding.


THE MULE

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department. They said since there was no immediate health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, Why did you call me any way? Isnt it your job to bury the dead?

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!


DONT LOOK BEHIND YOU 

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that theres something wrong with her password. No, its not the usual caps-lock problem.

The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars, she says.

Those asterisks are to protect you, the Help Desk technician explains, so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldnt be able to read your password.

Yeah she said, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.


TRUE OR FALSE 
Guess which of the following statements are the True or False?

  1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

  1. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.

  1. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

  1. People do not get sick from cold weather; its from being indoors a lot more.

  1. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

  1. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

  1. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

  1. Babies are born without kneecaps. They dont appear until they are 2-6 years old.

  1. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

  1. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

  1. The housefly lives for one month.

  1. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

  1. A wire hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

  1. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

  1. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon that the rest of the day.

  1. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

  1. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.

  1. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.

  1. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in An Officer and a Gentleman and Tootsie.

  1. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

  1. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.

  1. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

  1. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

  1. Most hospitals make money be selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

  1. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

  1. If coloring werent added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

             ANSWERS BELOW:

 * 
 * 
 * 
 *
 ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE.
 Dont you just love number 16?


SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your childs school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work, Press 2.

To complain about what we do, Press 3.

To verbally abuse our staff members, Press 4.

To ask why you did not get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.

If you want us to raise you child, Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.

To complain about school lunches, Press 0.


If you realize that this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it is not the teachers fault for your childs lack of effort, please hang up and have a nice day!!



AMUSING BUMPER STICKERS

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Montana At least our cows are sane!

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No radio Already stolen.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

Real women dont have hot flashes, they have power surges.

Rehab is for quitters.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

SUPPORT BINGO keep Grandma off the streets.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Tell me to stuff it Im a taxidermist.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who cant.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Work is for people who dont know how to fish.

Your kid may be an honors student, but youre still an idiot.


A CHILDS VIEW OF RELIGION & GOD 

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry? "

"Sixteen", the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had any answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"Thats okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"
Well", said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen."


A six year old was overheard reciting the Lords Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?", he asked.

"Why, God tells me. "

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


A little girl became restless as the preachers sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him money now, will he let us go?"


After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"


Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyles picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The Flight To Egypt", was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus, but who is the fourth person?"

"
Oh, thats Pontius-the-pilot."


The Sunday School teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir", little Johnny replies, "I dont have to. My mom is a good cook?
"


A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"  A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!", the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"


Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at the First Baptist church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, If you dont be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!

It worked. "

A little girl was sitting on her grandfathers lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"
Yes, sweetheart", he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"
Oh", she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"
Yes, indeed, honey", he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better, isnt he?"


WE ARE BUT DUST.

A visiting minister was assisting at our local church service. During the offertory prayer, the following happened:

Dear Lord, he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, without you we are but dust -

He would have continued, but at that moment one little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite loudly, mommy, "WHAT is butt dust?"

The service was pretty much over at that point.


HISTORY OF THE WORLD      (various lines culled from student papers) 

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brothers birthmark. One of Jacobs sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists, Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an over dose of wedlock.

Eventually the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

The painter Donatellos interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sire Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered American while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

One of the causes of the revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincolns mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. His name was John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booths career.


Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach and Handel were famous composer. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827 and later died from this. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

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