STATE LAWS
(that may or may not have been
or still are state laws)
ALABAMA: Apparently ‘Bama is an acronym for Blunt All
Motorist Adventures, for officials there have inexplicably made it illegal to
drive while blindfolded.
ALASKA: Contrary to public opinion roof racks are not
specifically designed for skis, snowboards and cocker spaniels. Or at least
not in Alaska, where authorities have found it necessary to declare it illegal
to tether a dog to the roof of a car.
ARKANSAS: Think twice while in Arkansas if you harbor an
unflagging passion for cold cut sandwiches and honking your car horn. Arkansas
authorities have deemed it illegal to blare a car horn where ice cold beverages
or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.
CALIFORNIA: No matter how luxuriously comfortable that
divided highway may look, it is illegal in Eureka, California, to use a road as
a bed.
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In order to save money on having to crop dust their streets,
officials in Chico, California, have made it illegal to plant rutabagas in
roadways.
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Officials in Glendale, California, no doubt, caved in to
insurance lobbyists when they inexplicably decided to make it illegal to jump
from a car at 65 mph.
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Don’t expect to find any salt-rimmed curbs in Hermosa Beach,
California. Officials there have made it illegal to spill your Margarita on
any street.
CONNECTICUTT: No need to get your Lexus Sport Luxury
Sedan painted blaze orange. Hunting from cars in Connecticut is illegal, even
during deer season.
GEORGIA: Going on an intuitive hunch that teeter-totters
and cars don’t mix, officials in Dublin, Georgia, have made it illegal to drive
through playgrounds.
ILLINOIS: Beware if you own a bicycle in Galesburg,
Illinois. The police there have no tolerance for “fancy riding.”
IOWA: Throw it and they (police) will come. In Mount
Vernon, Iowa, it is illegal to throw your Red Ryder onto the highway.
KANSAS: In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor
to screech your tires while driving. This abominable act can cost you 30 days
in jail.
In Topeka, Kansas, it is unlawful to transport dead
poultry along Kansas Avenue. Lesson: look elsewhere for a KFC.
KENTUCKY: Make sure your canine does not harbor a weird
fetish for tailgate lights or trailer hitches while in Fort Thomas, Kentucky.
You’ll be fined if your pet molests a vehicle.
MAINE: Be careful about Jonesing for a Bavarian Cream
while in South Berwick, Maine. You’ll be ticketed if you park in front of
Dunkin Donuts.
MARYLAND: Keep in mind while traveling through
Rockville, Maryland, that the streets there are rated G. If you possess a
PG-17 vocabulary, take the bypass. Swearing from a vehicle in Rockville is
considered a misdemeanor.
MINNESOTA: In Minnetonka, Minnesota if you drive a truck
that leaves mud, dirt or sticky substances on any road you will be considered a
public nuisance that is harming the peace, safety and general welfare of the
town.
MISSOURI: If you are a horn-honking hooligan you better
be carrying your vehicle’s bill of sale if you have the nerve to toot your horn
while in University City, Missouri. Officials there have wisely made it
illegal to honk the horn of someone else’s car.
NEVADA: To prevent any literal interpretation of Reno’s
No Standing signs, authorities there have made it illegal to place a bench or
chair in the middle of the road.
NEW JERSEY: Don’t be feeling all fuzzy-warm about New
Jersey residents if you’re driving through the state with a “Honk if You Love
Skippy the Kangaroo” bumper sticker soldered to your vehicle’s trunk. New Jersey
residents are required by law to honk before passing.
NEW YORK: Be sure to enter your vehicle feeling
sartorially content while in Sag Harbor, New York. Officials there have made
it illegal to disrobe while in your car.
NORTH CAROLINA: Officials in Dunn, North Carolina,
apparently harbor no faith in the intuitive powers of common sense:
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First, they have made it illegal to play in traffic. So if
you’re a parent make sure your kids play “Candyland” on the floor of a living
room rather than on the asphalt of a passing lane.
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Second, it is illegal to drive through a cemetery if you’re not
there to dig a grave or bury someone. So if you intend to visit the grave of a
loved one bring really powerful binoculars.
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And third, even if you are considerate enough to yell “On your
left,” officials still deem it illegal to drive on sidewalks.
OHIO: In Canton, Ohio, people wearing roller skates
cannot share the streets with cars. And yes, this applies even during the
“couples only” skate.
OREGON: In Oregon you need to be not only alert for
state troopers with speed guns, but also with stop watches. For you can be
ticketed if you leave your car door open longer than is deemed necessary.
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You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if you use
your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical endurance.
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If you opt for driving on a sidewalk while in Oregon, be sure to
not attract the wrath of the law by not yielding to pedestrians.
RHODE ISLAND: In Scituate, Rhode Island, it is illegal
to drive with beer in your vehicle even if it is unopened. So, in other words,
if you’re a beer delivery driver, tough.
SOUTH CAROLINA: There’s a good reason why automakers
don’t manufacture models named the Dodge Dumpster or the Lexus Litterbin. For
in Hilton Head, South Carolina, it is illegal to store trash in your vehicle
due to rat problems.
WEST VIRGINIA: Virginia may be for lovers, but West
Virginia is for meat lovers. Officials in the Mountain State have deemed it
perfectly legal for anyone to scavenge road kill.
TATTOOS
When my brother-in-law was on leave from the Navy, he
brought home a heavily tattooed friend.
We all sat down to Sunday lunch and my four-year-old nephew
couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.
Curiosity finally got the better of him. Politely, he asked
the visitor "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
MOTHER-IN-LAW
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve
Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to
leave the house. The cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the
house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get
the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to
know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi
driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye
to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I
took so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid witch was
hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come
out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat rear downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling the story of the Good
Samaritan to her class of 4 & 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as
possible to keep the children interested in her tale.
At one point, she asked the class, "If you saw a person
lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I
think I'd throw up."
IN THE BIBLE
Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's
girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut
coupon.
SENTRY DUTY
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His
orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on
the windshield.
Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the
back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to
have a sticker on the windshield."
The General said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it!” You really can't come
through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your
sticker."
The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive
on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the
ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the
driver?"
WOMEN'S INTUITION
Also known as 'woman's intuition', this sixth sense thing is
no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's life almost better
than he does.
Why is this?
In the early 90's, researchers discovered that women have
more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these
connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly
unconnectable pieces.
That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the
shower!
JURY SELECTION
An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon
to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process
took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan, was called for his question
session.
He was asked, "Property holder?"
Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."
Then he was asked, "Married or single?"
Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your
Honor."
Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an
opinion?"
Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your
Honor."
DO-IT-YOURSELF TIPS FOR REAL MEN
Leak stain on ceiling: Cut a piece of plywood into a
square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it's the
door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments).
Crabgrass: In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower,
rake, shovel and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt
company. Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and
weed killer included.
Cigarette burn on rug: Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze
juice into large glass of gin mixed. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this
solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.
Dirty paint brushes: Soak brushes in pail of paint remover.
Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not
be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice
that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable
surface like, say, barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable.
Annoying drips: Don't invite them over anymore.
DIAMOND RING
An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was about to be
married, decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for
several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a
gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that,
instead of a fee she would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a
glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe,
examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the
next table. "These Texas women are tough!"
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