The First Responder

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 August 2005   VOLUME IV ISSUE 4  

PEAC-WMD The First Responder

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Vol. III Issue 13
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March 15, 2005
Vol. III Issue 12
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Vol. III Issue 11
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Vol. III Issue 10
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Vol. III Issue 9
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December 15, 2004
Vol. III Issue 8
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November 15, 2004
Vol. III Issue 7
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October 13, 2004
Vol. III Issue 6
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September 9, 2004
Vol. 111 Issue 5
August 2004
August 30, 2004
Vol. III Issue 4
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July 21, 2004
Vol. III Issue 3
June 2004
June 23, 2004
Vol. III Issue 2
May 2004
May 18, 2004
Vol. III Issue 1
April 2004
April 20, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 12
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March 16, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 11
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February 17, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 10
January 2004
January 16, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 9

[MORE]
Just What The Doctor Ordered
More great humor to get you through the month

WAITRESS!

 We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant.  The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group.  “Party of two,” the woman behind us said to her, “and could we please have Michelle?”

 

Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, “Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want HER to wait on ME!”

 

WANT TO GO OUT?

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.  “Would you like to go out, girl? He asked.

 

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I’d love to!”

 

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn’t until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom’s feet on the kitchen floor.

 

WASHINGTON D.C.

A teacher asked one of her pupils, “What’s the nation’s capital?”

 

The reply was, “Washington D.C.

 

Another pupil, when asked what the “D.C.” stood for, replied, “Dot com!”

 

TATTOO

When my brother-in-law was on leave from national military service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend.  We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn’t take his eyes off the man’s colorful arms.  Curiosity finally got the better of him.  Politely, he asked the visitor, “Didn’t your mother give you paper to write on?”

 

TEN MOST WANTED

Little Sammy’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.  There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board.  The label clearly read, “The 10 Most Wanted.”

 

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

 

“Yes,” said the policeman, “the detectives want him very badly.”

 

So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man’s belt, “Um, mister, why didn’t you keep them when you took their pictures?”

 

TEXAS SPEAK

Phrases and their definitions straight from a real live cowboy….

 

The engine’s runnin’ but ain’t nobody driving.

(Not overly intelligent)

 

All hat, no cattle.

(All talk and no action)

 

We’ve howdied but we ain’t shook yet.

(We’ve made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)

 

He’s got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.

(Talks a lot)

 

He looks like the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.

(Not the most handsome of men)

 

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don’t make’em biscuits.

(You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn’t change what it is.)

 

A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.  While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother in law in the head, killing her instantly.

 

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.  The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head “yes” and say something.  Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head “no” and mumble a reply.

 

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.  The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’  The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t.  It’s all booked up for a year.’

 

THINGS LEARNED BY CHILDREN

I’ve learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can’t. - age 8

 

I’ve learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate it looks like you ate more. – age 6

 

I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, mom makes me clean it up – age 13

 

I’ve learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time. – age 9

 

I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – age 7

 

I’ve learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. – age 7

 

I’ve learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells like a piece of ‘Jolly Rancher’ candy. – age 10

 

I’ve learned that when I eat fish sticks, they help me swim faster because they’re fish. – age 7

 

I’ve learned that when I wave at people in the country they stop what they’re doing and wave back.  age 9

 

I’ve learned that you can’t judge boys by the way they look. – age 12

 

I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. – age 13

 

I’ve learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute. – age 10

 

I’ve learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn’t always come.  Sometimes he’s broke – age 8

 

I’ve learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is going on. – age 11

 

I’ve learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. _ age 11

 

I’ve learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, you need to be careful going to the bathroom. – age 10

 

I’ve learned if you put a June bug down a girls dress, she goes crazy. – age 6

 

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll. – age 10

 

I’ve learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn’t wear spurs. – age 8

 

I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night.” – age 7

 

I’ve learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. – age 7

 

I’ve learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don’t know the answer. – age 9

 

I’ve learned how to hold animals without killing them. – age 5

 

I’ve learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car, the driver freaks. – age 9

 

I’ve learned that gold fish don’t like Jell-O. – age 5

 

I’ve learned that the older I get, the less attention I get. – age 6

 

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH

 1 – Hey!  It’s my turn to sit in the front pew

 2 – I was so enthralled; I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

 3 – Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

 4 – I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelist.

 5 – I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

 6 – Forget the denominational minimum salary.  Let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

 7 – I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

 8 – Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.

 9 – Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10 – Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

 

THINK LIKE A LAWYER

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, “Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

 

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was livid.  “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” the Professor instructed.

 

The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him:  ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together will all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze, and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away, with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally…’”

 

 

X____________________________ sign here

 

THIS WON’T HURT MUCH ….

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.  The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

 

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn’t hurt much.  Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

 

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, “This might hurt a little more than I thought.”

 

THOUGHTS ON HOUSEKEEPING

Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.  Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions ‘Carpet Fresh.’

 

Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.  Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands” and claim an ecological exemption.

 

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.  Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

 

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.  If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What?  And spoil the mood?”

 

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability.  Roll your eyes when you say this.

 

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

 

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door.  As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door now vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.

 

Don’t bother repainting.  Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident.  I haven’t had the heart to clean it.”

 

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle.  Mist the air lightly.  Leave dampened rags in conspicuous location.  Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sign, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere.”

 

THREE IRISHMEN

THREE Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that lead past the graveyard.

 

“Come have a look over here”, says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul.  He lived to ripe old age of 87.”

 

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole.  It says here that he was 95 when he died.

 

Just then, Shamus yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145!”

 

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

 

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written to the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles from Dublin.”

 

THREE MEN ON A TRIP

Fred, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

 

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

 

Bill said to Jim and Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.  I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.”

 

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

 

“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said.  “I left the room key in the car!!!”

 

MULTIPLE LISTINGS

In the world of Real Estate, there are some pretty strange things on the printouts from our local Multiple Listings Service – descriptions of properties for sale in our area.  A typo here, missed punctuation there, or just plain bad phrasing can change the entire meaning of a ‘sales pitch.’  Here are some examples: 

 

Three bedroom on bath fireplace.

 

Room for horses, cowchickens.

 

Back of home faces eighteen home championship golf course.

 

New art-deco bath & more.  Near everything.  Kitchen curtains do not say.

 

House backs up to one year round creek.  (Big creek!)

 

Walkin pantry.  (Where’s it walkin’ to?)

 

Country home with 2nd unit.  Horse set up extra garage.  (That’s one SMART horse!)

 

Five bedroom septic.  Owners anxious.  (I bet!)

 

Septic built for granny.  (What a nice family.)

 

Huge veranda for those balby summer evenings.  (Love those balby evenings, don’t you?)

 

Dangerous Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye.  She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate.  The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

 

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1 ˝ hours later with a black eye.

 

“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.

 

“No” he replied.  “I stepped on the same rake.”

 

DANGEROUS DOG?

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER!  BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass door.  Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

 

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

 

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

 

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused.  “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me.  Why in the world would you post that sign?”

 

“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

 

DARWIN AWARD 1 – MICHIGAN, USA

A man buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for 30-some-thousand dollars and has $400+ monthly payments.  He immediately finds his friend and they decide to go duck hunting.  However, all the lakes in their area are frozen.

 

They travel to the lake with their guns, their hunting dog, their beer and the new vehicle.  They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.  Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.  Remember, it’s all ice and to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

 

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.  Now these two men do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.

 

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG?  Yes, the dog.  A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.  The dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite (with the burning 40 second fuse) at about the same time it hits the ice, all to woes of the two men yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the heck to do now.

 

The dog happily heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the men, now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.  Now one of the guys decides to think, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds.  The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course scared, thinking these men have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.  The cover the dog finds?  Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee, the 30-some-thousand dollar, $400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.

 

BOOM!!!

 

The dog dies instantly, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee (30-some-thousand dollar, $400+ monthly payment) sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the men standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces.

 

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company, which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.  He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.

 

DARWIN AWARD 2 – LOS ANGELES

Larry’s boyhood dream was to fly.  When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.  Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him.  When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

 

One day, Larry, had a bright idea.  He decided to fly.  He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium.  The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

 

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair.  He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium.  He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

 

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller-Lite, loaded his pellet gun – figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend – and went back to the floating lawn chair.  He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions.  Larry’s plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

 

Things didn’t quite work out that way.

 

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn’t float lazily up to 30 or so feet.  Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon.

 

He didn’t level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet.  After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet.  At that height he couldn’t risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble.  So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

 

Then he really got in trouble.  He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport.

 

A United pilot first spotted Larry.  He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun.  Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.

 

LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate.

 

LAX is right on the ocean.  Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow.  It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit.

 

Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry.  Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

 

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line.  Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore.  The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.

 

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of LAPD for violating LAX airspace.

 

As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it.  Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, “A man can’t just sit around.”

 

CHILI COOK-OFF

Recently, I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it.  Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.  Here are the scorecards from the event.

 

Chili # 1:  Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 

JUDGE ONE:  A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:  Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

KENNEDY:  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope that’s the worst one.  These people are crazy.

 

Chili # 2:  Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

 

JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

KENNEDY:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.  The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.  She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill.  I will NOT pick a fight with her.

 

Chile # 3:  Fred’s Famous “Burn Down the Barn” Chili

 

JUDGE ONE:  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

KENNEDY:  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.   Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  She said her friends call her “Sally.”  Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

 

Chili # 4:  Bubba’s Black Magic

 

JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:  A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

KENNEDY:  I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it.  Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.  When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled – it’s kinda cute.

 

Chile #5:  Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

 

JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:  Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomatoes.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

KENNEDY:  My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 

Chili # 6:  Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

 

JUDGE ONE:  Thick yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:  The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.

KENNEDY:  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.  I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

 

Chile # 7:  Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

 

JUDGE ONE:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

KENNEDY:  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it.  I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.  Good, at the autopsy they’ll know what killed me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late.  I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.  Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

 

Chili # 8:  Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

 

JUDGE ONE:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

KENNEDY:  Momma?

 

LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET

 A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

 

“Why?” she asks.

 

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

 


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