The First Responder

Thursday, June 16, 2005 June 2005   VOLUME IV ISSUE 2  

PEAC-WMD Special Edition

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CONTENTS
Technically Speaking
Update Your PEAC-WMD to Version 5.1
Just What The Doctor Ordered
Wonderful Wyoming
Authorized Distributors of the PEAC Systems
ARCHIVE
May 2005
May 2, 2005
Vol. IV Issue 1
April 2005
April 18, 2005
Vol. III Issue 13
March 2005
March 15, 2005
Vol. III Issue 12
February 2005
February 3, 2005
Vol. III Issue 11
January 2005
January 6, 2005
Vol. III Issue 10
Special Edition: FY05 DHS Grant Programs
January 6, 2005
Vol. III Issue 9
December 2004
December 15, 2004
Vol. III Issue 8
November 2004
November 15, 2004
Vol. III Issue 7
October 2004
October 13, 2004
Vol. III Issue 6
September 2004
September 9, 2004
Vol. 111 Issue 5
August 2004
August 30, 2004
Vol. III Issue 4
July 2004
July 21, 2004
Vol. III Issue 3
June 2004
June 23, 2004
Vol. III Issue 2
May 2004
May 18, 2004
Vol. III Issue 1
April 2004
April 20, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 12
March 2004
March 16, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 11
February 2004
February 17, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 10
January 2004
January 16, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 9
December 2003
December 16, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 8
November 2003
November 17, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 7

[MORE]
Just What The Doctor Ordered
more great humor

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

 

A man is caught sitting at a makeshift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger’s horror, the man is eating a bald eagle.  The man is consequently put in jail for the crime.  On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

 

JUDGE:  “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

 

MAN:  “Yes I do.  But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

 

JUDGE:  “Proceed.”

 

MAN:  “I got lost in the woods.  I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks.  I was so hungry.  Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.  I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish.  I caught up with the eagle who landed upon a tree stump to eat the fish.  I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away.  Unfortunately, in my weakened condition my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head and killed him.  I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed him I might as well eat him since it would be more disgraceful to let him rot on the ground.”

 

JUDGE:  “The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony.”

 

(15 minutes go by and the judge returns.)

 

JUDGE:  “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.”

 

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers:  “If you don’t mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

 

MAN:  “Well your honor, it is hard to explain.  The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

 

 

TAXES ARE PATRIOTIC!

 

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

 

“Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.  We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them.”

 

The American nodded.  “It’s the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

 

 

RULES FOR WORK

 

1. Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 4 PM and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

 

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going.  That helps.  Even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

 

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going.  It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

 

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose use of my limbs.

 

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me what the priority is.  I am psychic.

 

6. Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.

 

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

 

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.

 

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down.  In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.

 

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with.  I have no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

 

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

 

12. Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.  I especially like your story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

 

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been.  Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.  I’m not here for the money anyway.

 

 

THINGS A TRUE SOUTHERNER KNOWS

 

1. The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

 

2. Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

 

3. What general direction cattywumpus is.

 

4. When somebody’s “fixin” to do something, it won’t be long.

 

5. How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

 

6. Ain’t nobody’s biscuits like Grandma’s biscuits!!

 

7. A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

 

8. Real gravy don’t come from the store.

 

9. Where “by and by” is.

 

10. The difference between “pert near” and “a right far piece.”

 

11. Never to go snipe hunting twice.

 

12. At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

 

13. Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

 

14. You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll’em up past the elbows.

 

15. Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

 

16. Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

 

 

THE SHREDDER

 

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening.  As he comes out of his office about 8:00 PM he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

 

“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks.  “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”

 

“Yes sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

 

(PAUSE)

 

“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy ……..”

 

 

WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY SHOULDN’T GO UPS

 

Things aren’t working well for the shipping part of this manufacturing company’s ERP system, says a technician working there.

 

“The whole process for calculating and paying the carriers for freight was not good,” he says.  “Our company makes motor oils and other fluids used in cars and trucks.  Since the products weigh a lot, shipping cost is a very visible item the business is always trying to reduce.”

 

And the ERP system should help keep those costs under control.  But no such luck.  “We had an army of accountants trying to reconcile actual freight invoices to what we had calculated,” says the technician.  “To make a long story short, this was not working.”

 

After several years of this, the company finally upgrades to a new freight payment system.  “This system would calculate the lowest-cost carrier for each shipment,” the tech explained.  “It would know all starting and ending points and the rates of all our carriers, and automatically pay the carrier as soon as the load leaves our plants.  This makes the carriers happy and they give us a better rate.”

 

For the first month after the new system rolls out, there are no serious problems.  In fact, the system works very well at figuring out which shipper will move the products at the lowest cost based on the data it has.

 

“But in some cases the system may work too well,” says the technician.  ”One of our customers is FedEx.  I suppose they use our products to service their own fleet.  Apparently not all the special discounts were entered in the system, because it decided that UPS was the lowest-cost carrier for the shipment to FedEx.”

 

“I guess the FedEx people were not happy to see the brown UPS truck roll up to their dock.  Needless to say, account executives were called--and the customer-specific freight rates were updated.”

 

 

TAX FACTS

 

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the holy Bible is only 773,000 words (I don’t know to which version the author is referring).  However, the tax laws have grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

 

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.

 

Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instruction and all in fine print.

 

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year.  Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth

 

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

 

American taxpayers spend $200 Billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

 

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that’s twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.

 

60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.

 

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family’s income; that’s more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

 

 

SECURITY EXIT

 

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms.  A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.

 

Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting.  Even a sign with large red letters, “Warning, alarm will sound if opened,” failed to deter people from using it.  One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem:  “Wet paint.”

 

 

TAIL LIGHT

 

“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policemen after pulling over a motorist.

 

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long painful groan and put his face in his hands.

 

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

 

“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard.  It isn’t that serious.”

 

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist.  “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”

 

 

THEOLOGICAL ARGUMENTS

 

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.  One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual “3 to 1, majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

 

“Oh, God!” he cried.  “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!  Please give me a sign to prove it to them!”

 

It was a beautiful, sunny day.  As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.  It rumbled once and dissolved.  “A sign from God!  See, I’m right, I knew it!”  But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

 

So the rabbi prayed again:  “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong.  So Please, God, a bigger sign!”

 

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

 

“I told you I was right!” cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

 

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…,” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, “HEEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!

 

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, “Well?”

 

“So,” Shrugged one of the other rabbis, “now it’s 3 to 2.”

 

 

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN

 

It seems in this day and time you can’t go into an area dominated by a woman without detecting the ‘aroma’ (odorous terribilis) of some kind of bizarre scented candle.  Everything from ‘Boysenberry Vanilla Potpourri’ to ‘Spice Orange Jasmine Chocolate.’  Sometimes it gives me a headache!

 

Well, it’s about time men had their own scented candles.  Below you will find a few scents men would appreciate.

 

’62 Chevy truck – Interior and Exhaust

Gunpowder

Wet Dog (only if it’s your own dog)

Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)

Wood Smoke

Chainsaw Exhaust

Freshly Caught Bass

Ozone (arc welder, or course)

Acetylene

Freshly Moved Dirt

Sale Barn

Silage

Sawdust

New Tires

Hot Metal

3 Year-Old Baseball Cap

Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course)

Burning Grass or Leaves

Alfalfa

Firecrackers

Bacon
Steak
Old Car Grease
Gun Powder Smoke
Latex Paint

 

 

TEENAGERS AND CATS

 

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

 

  1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
  2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough.  Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
  3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
  4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
  5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
  6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
  7. Cats have nine lives.  Teenagers carry on as if they did.
  8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy – a sense of complete and utter boredom.
  9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
  10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.  Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

 

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not other parents, but veterinarians.  It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.

 

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.  When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

 

THEN AND NOW

 

Then:  Killer weed

Now:  Weed killer

 

Then:  (Jack) Paar

Now:  AARP

 

Then:  Getting out to a new, hip joint

Now:  Getting a new hip joint

 

Then:  Moving to California because it’s cool

Now:  Moving to California because it’s warm

 

Then:  Being called into the principal’s office

Now:  Storming into the principal’s office

 

Then:  Peace Sign

Now:  Mercedes Logo

 

Then:  Long hair

Now:  Longing for hair

 

Then:  Acid rock

Now:  Acid reflux

 

Then:  You’re growing pot

Now:  Your growing pot

 

Then:  Worrying about no one coming to your party

Now:  Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

 

Then:  The perfect high

Now:  The perfect high-yield mutual fund

 

Then:  Elvis in the Army

Now:  Elvis in a UFO

 

Then:  Keg

Now:  EKG

 

Then:  Getting your head stoned

Now:  Getting your headstone

 

Then:  Swallowing acid

Now:  Swallowing antacid

 

Then:  Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents

Now:  Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids

 

Then:  Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Now:  Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

 

Then:  Passing the driving test

Now:  Passing the vision test

 

 

TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME

 

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it’s never there when you need it.  Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, anytime.

 

1. Duct Tape:  Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army Knife in stickum and plastic.  It’s safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package.  Sure, there’s a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from Le Mans–winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it by the yard.  The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

 

2. Vise-Grips:  Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool.  The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vise-Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

 

3. Spray Lubricants:  A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items.  Slicker than pig phlegm.  Repeated soaking of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand.  Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies off of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

 

4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids:  If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it’s because you eat butter.  Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward.  (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.)  Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren’t connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

 

5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road:  Block up a tire.  Smack corroded battery terminal.  Pound out a dent.  Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle.  Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone.  This is the only tool with which a “made in India” emblem is not synonymous with the user’s maiming.

 

6. Plastic Zip Ties:  After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wiring things with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market.  Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways.  When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

 

7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:  Let’s admit it.  There’s nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.  This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out of the other.  If you break the screwdriver – and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said – who cares?  It’s guaranteed.

 

8. Baling Wire:  Commonly know as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that’s too hot for tape or ties.  Like duct tape, it’s not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you’ll never replace it with the right thing again.  Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

 

9. Bonking Stick:  - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends?  Once every decade, if you’re lucky.  Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.  Nature doesn’t know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick.  (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, or course, but does a lousy job of it.)

 

10. A Quarter And A Phone Booth:  See #1 above.

 

 

A TEST FOR THE LADIES

 

Ladies, this test is for you.  Pretend you are a man, perhaps one close to you.  Then answer the questions as though it was he who is answering.

 

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the earth, and you are the first human they encounter.  As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.  You decide to:

 

  1. Present it to the President of the United States.
  2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
  3. Take it apart.

 

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

 

  1. Innocence.
  2. Idealism.
  3. Cherry bombs.

 

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

 

  1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
  2. When he is the Pope.  (Not on the lips.)
  3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

 

4. What about hugging another male?

 

A.       If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

B.      If you’re performing the Heimlick maneuver.

C.      If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the world Series, you may hug him provided that:

 

(1)    He is legally within the base path,

(2)    Both of you are wearing sufficient protection,

(3)    You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

 

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

 

  1. A cat
  2. A dog.
  3. A dog that eats cats.

 

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years.  She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.  She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?

 

  1. That you sincerely believe that the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
  2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
  3. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

 

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows, whatever the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you tell her?

 

  1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
  2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
  3. Tell her what?

 

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her is:

 

  1. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
  2. “They’re in school already?”
  3. “There are three of them?”

 

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran socks?

 

  1. When they have turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
  2. When they are down to eight loosely connected sock molecules and have to be handled with tweezers.
  3. It is never okay to throw away veteran socks.  A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody – and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife – is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with them than with her.

 

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

 

  1. He was being tested.
  2. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
  3. He refused to ask for directions.

 

11. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

 

  1. Democracy.
  2. Religion.
  3. The TV Remote control.

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