husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily
married, they admitted that there were arguments
Then the first man said, “I’ve made one great
I now know how to always have the last
said the second, “how did you manage
easy,” he replied.
“My last word is always ‘Yes,
three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl
did you know that?” his mother
picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s
printed on the bottom.”
regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are
While my friend was working as a student nurse,
she found one elderly gentleman already dressed and
sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he
didn’t need her help leaving the hospital. After a chat
about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel
him to the elevator. On the way down,
she asked if his wife was meeting him. “I don’t know,”
“She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.”
older couple had a son, who was still living with his
The parents were a little worried, as the son was
still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to
do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a
bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table,
and hid, pretending they are not home. The father’s
“If our son takes the money, he will be a
businessman, if he take the bible, he will be a priest –
but if he take the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son
will be a drunkard.” So, the parents
waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through
the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the
note they had left. Then, he took
the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and
slid it in his pocket. After that, he
took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed
the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured
of the quality.
Then he left for his room, carrying all three
father slapped his forehead and said: “Darn. Our son is going
to be a politician!”
to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by
the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the
local sports shoe store. While trying on
a basic pair of jogging shoes, he noticed a minor
feature and asked the clerk about it. “What’s this
little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to
carry spare change so you can call your wife to come
pick you up when you’ve jogged too
HOSPITAL SOFTBALL TEAM
the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners
at the end of the season. When I walked
into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged
to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and
their families in a waiting area.
honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your
had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime
finally came, I laid down the law and gruffly said,
“We’re putting on your PJ’s, brushing your teeth and
reading ONE book.
Then it’s lights out!”
arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she
said, “We learned in Sunday school about little boys and
girls who don’t have mommies and
after I’d been such a grouch, I thought, she was still
grateful to have me. I felt tears
begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered,
“Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?”
HEAVEN AND HELL
turns out that Heaven isn’t above Hell, but rather,
Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated
only by a long wooden fence.
day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands
performed with some of the biggest names, and the Damned
start having a heck of a party. Toward the end
of the festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and,
sure enough, one lands on the
Devil says, “Sure, no problem. I’ve got all the
union leaders over here as well as most of the building
the fence is rebuilt but it’s three feet to one side so
that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is
you don’t move that fence back,” yells God, “I’m gonna
right, “ says the Devil. “Where are you
gonna get a lawyer?”
are the error messages for the new “Microsoft Poet”
things are certain:
taxes, and lost data.
which has occurred.
am the Blue Screen of Death.
one hears your screams.
my great fault
darkening blue windows
code was willing,
considered your request,
the chips were weak.
be a fatal error.
a pen handy?
file that big?
might be very useful.
now it is gone.
won’t tell you where or why.
quick enough for browser.
out, plum blossom.
repent, and reboot.
perfect spellers may
site has been moved.
tell you where, but then we’d
to delete you.
petals to the wind:
all that you have.
ask way too much.
snow, then silence.
thousand-dollar screen dies
searching comes loss
the presence of absence:
Novel” not found.
Tao that is seen
not the true Tao, until
bring fresh toner.
Web site you seek
be located but
the patient course,
little worth is your ire
network is down.
is a chasm
carbon and silicon
software can’t bridge.
it is not working
is like that.
have no errors
be life without meaning
struggle, no joy.
step in the stream,
the water has move on.
page is not here.
F1 to continue
Open the file
open the damn file, Hal
the, please Hal
wish to hold the whole sky,
we never will.
document you’re seeking
now be retyped.
ten thousand things
long do any persist?
too, has gone.
than a beep
a rude error message,
“File not found.”
father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided
what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants
to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s
friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a
rather strange ambition to have for a career.” “Well,” said the
boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only
work on Tuesdays!”
OIL SHORAGE, AN EXPLANATION
are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to
have an oil shortage here in the
there’s a very simple answer … nobody bothered to check
the oil. We
just didn’t know we were getting low.
reason for that is purely geographical. All the oil is
in Texas, Oklahoma, Alaska, etc.
the dipsticks are in Washington,
HEAVEN OR HELL?
guy dies and finds himself in a small room. It looks kind of
like a living room from the Andy Griffith show, and has
a couch and TV set in it. There’s another
fellow sitting on the couch watching
new dead guy looks around and asks, “so … is this heaven
other guy looks up and says, “Well, there’s no windows
or doors, and no apparent way
say the first guy.
“So it’s hell.”
says the other guy, without looking up from the screen,
“but they did give us this nice big TV
maybe it’s heaven.”
but the TV has only one channel.”
so maybe it’s hell?”
but the TV station it gets is pretty good – it’s
so maybe it is heaven after all?”
except for just one thing … “the other fellow says,
“It’s ALWAYS pledge week.”
local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000
bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran
into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could
squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the
people had tried over time (weight lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do
day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
“I’d like to try the bet.” After the
laughter died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed
the wrinkled remain of the rind to the little
the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man
clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell
into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the
$1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or
man replied, “I work for the Internal Revenue
food in my bowl
old, and more to the point
you want to play.
I claw at dancing string?
being sick -- which is why
don’t tell you where.
am locked in the closet.
once I need you.
can, dumped in
I in your way?
seem to have it backwards:
mouth is moving;
and down, emitting noise.
dog wags his tail,
Yours: largest among
who leaves for work?
problems can be
Ignored. The more
can be slept through.
affection is conditional.
your lap I love.
can’t steal the breath
But if my tail’s
again, I’ll learn.
don’t mind being
any more than you mind
skin graft or two.
you call this thing
my “blades of death.”
mice, dancing yarn
snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered
suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you’ll
just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit
on my grave.”
me Sarge!” the private replied. “Once I get out
of the Army, I’m never going to stand in line
SENDING AN SOS
friend, Tony, was driving home from a fishing trip in
Northern Michigan with his boat in tow, when he had
engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn’t have a
cell phone, so he decided to use his marine radio to get
Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call
letters and asked for assistance.
Coast Guard Officer responded, “Please give your
answered, “I’m on Interstate 75, two miles south of
officer paused, “Could you repeat
Tony answered, “Interstate 75, two miles south of
was a longer pause … then an incredulous voice asked,
“How fast were you going when you hit
Q: How many Windows
programmers does it take to change a light
A: Four hundred and
One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write
WinGetLightSwitchHandle, one to write
Q: How many
technical support personnel does it take to change a
A: We have an exact
copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working
you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how
dark is it?
There could be four or five things wrong … Have
you tried the light switch?
Q: How many
managers does it take to change a light
A: We’ve formed a
task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn
out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors
can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not
Q: How many beta
testers does it take to change a light
A: We just noticed
the room was dark; we don’t actually fix the
Q: How many
Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light
A: Three. Two to hold the
ladder and one to screw the bulb into the
Q: How many MIS
guys does it take to change a light
A: MIS has received
your request concerning your hardware problem and has
assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb
Q: How many
object-oriented programmers does it take to change a
A: You’re still
thinking procedurally. A properly
designed light bulb object would inherit a change method
from a generic bulb class, so all you’d have to do is
send a light-bulb-change message.
Q: How many
developers does it take to change a light
A: The light bulb
works fine in my office …
Q: How many
shipping department guys does it take to change a light
A: We can change
the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you
call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the
light bulb changed overnight.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a
A: None. Bill Gates will
just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry
Q: How many service
technicians does it take to change a light
A: Just one, and he
does it very well, but there is the $85 non-refundable
on-site service fee to consider …
Q: How many quality
assurance techs does it take to change a light
A: Two, and you’ll
need a 48 hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a
very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb so don’t
expect to see either bulb for a week or
Q: How many
receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero, well
actually one, the one who tells the office manager about
the light bulb problem in the first
Q: How many
software engineers does it take to change a light
A: None. "That's a
AMUSING BUMPER SNICKERS
bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited
conclusion is the place where you got tired of
to my calculations, the problem doesn’t
generalizations are false.
men are idiots, and I married their
remember you’re unique, just like everyone
nice to your kids.
They’ll choose your nursing
is in the eye of the beer holder …
free … Taxed to death.
is inevitable, except from a vending
Consciousness: that annoying
time between naps.
carries no cash.
may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet
bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
stop to think and forget to start
is something you don’t get until just after you need
women admit their age; Fewer men act
every action, there is an equal and opposite
about World Peace … Visualize using your turn
the Joneses, I keep us up with the
help you move.
Real friends help you move
me ambiguity or give me something