ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, I NEARLY
BROKE MY NECK…
the long Thanksgiving weekend I was tasked with bringing
the Christmas decorations up from the basement and
trekking the Halloween/Thanksgiving decorations back
down again. During one trek down the stairs, heavily
laden with boxes, I slipped and luckily only fell about
two steps before landing square on my behind. My wife
yelled, “What was that thump?”
just fell down the $%^&* stairs,” I
was just a slight pause before I heard, “Oh, that’s
good. What about my decorations? Are any of them
FOUR STAGES OF
1. You believe in Santa
2. You don’t
believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
just look like Santa Claus.
Office conduct during the Christmas season
immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal
Revelry Office and Leisure Industry
Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make
tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is
forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance
Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and
through the woods to Grandma’s house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg Nog will NOT BE DISPENSED IN VENDING
In spite of all this, the staff is
encouraged to have a Happy
NEW IN THE MARKEPLACE FOR THIS HOLIDAY
Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed
knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary
beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun’s habit
(after all, she’s still Barbie). Pull the string on her
back and she says nothing because she’s taken a vow of
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are
on the cutting edge in Judaism.
Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah Scrolls. Optional:
tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie
Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of
Admin Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole
despite being the one that actually runs the group.
Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and
she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace
the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a
re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin
Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working
and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the
box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while
everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull
the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes
indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a
liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and
mini-filing cabinet filled with past five-years worth of
US Tax Code revisions which need to be
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of
insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes
with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan
(except for a white band on her lift hand ring
Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled
Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and
Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to
perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles,
lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing
and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing
outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately
for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to
make ends meet.
Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and
baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop
accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she
says things like “I don’t think so,” “Dang, get outta my
face,” and “You go, girl.” Teaches girls not to take no
nonsense from no man.
Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous
two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says
“Control theory is hard. Dang these spike heels
Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double
chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show
girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with
a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o’ Fried
Chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, a brick of
Sealtest ice cream, three packages of potato chips, a
t-shirt reading “Only the Weak Don’t Eat,” and, of
course, an appetite.
Christmas closing in, I’m reminded of the time I was
sitting in a local pizza takeout waiting for my order.
Being a good Italian takeout, there was a nativity scene
set up, and with nothing better to do I contemplated the
figurines gathered ‘round the manger:
shepherd … camel … wise man … Princess Leia in
slave-girl outfit … donkey … wise man … Imperial
Stormtrooper … Yoda …
I can only surmise that the
tinsel-encrusted bauble suspended over the whole scene
was the “Death Star O’ Bethlehem.”
SANTA’S OFFICIAL MILITARY
Christopher K. Ringle. OIC, Special Services
Operation Order 12-98: Official Visit of Major General
1. An official visit by Major General Santa
(NMI) Claus is expected at this facility 25 Dec 2004.
The following directives will be in effect and govern
the activities of all personnel during the visit:
Not a creature will stir without official permission.
This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring
permits for necessary administrative actions will be
obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring
permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG,
Veterinary Services. Officer stirring permits must be
obtained through the Post Plans and Policy
Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap
prior to 2200 hours, 24 Dec 04. Uniform for the nap will
be: pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG,
and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the
extended position. Equipment will be drawn from CIP
prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will
review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash
Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing
Personnel will utilize standard “T” ration sugar plums
for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums
are available in “T” ration sundry packs and should be
eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to
ensure maximum visions are experience. These items will
be drawn from the servicing dining facility.
Stocking, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the
chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be
taken to avoid fire hazards, caused by carelessly hung
stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking
hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours,
24 Dec 04, ATTN: AEAGE-S for approval. All leaders will
ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the
safety aspects of stocking hanging.
At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all
personnel will spring from their beds to evaluate noise
and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open
the shutters and throw open the window sashes. On order
OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8,(3), dated 4 March,
this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing
and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with
procedures and are responsible for seeing that no
shutters are torn or sashes thrown prior to the start of
to 0001 hours, date of visit, all personnel possessing
Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation
(STANO) equipment will be assigned “wandering eyeball”
stations. The SDNCE will ensure that these stations are
adequately manned even after shutters are torn and
sashes are thrown.
In coordination with the National Security Agency and
the Motor Pool will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature,
M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by MG Claus. The
assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator’s
license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance
at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348.
Driver must also be able to clearly shout “On Dancer, On
MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys.
All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator,
MlA2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on
DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies
prior to 23 Dec 04. Personnel will ensure the chimneys
are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of
3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the
shouting of “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” or
“Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night.” This
shout will be given upon termination of the visit.
Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each
NAME THAT CHRISTMAS
Following Christmas carols were written by government
officials. Can you guess the original
Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal
In Their Belief.
Embellish Interior Passageways
Vertically Challenged Adolescent
First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory
Phenomenon Of A Natal Celebration
Devoid Of Color
Soundless Nocturnal Period
Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person
The Yuletide Occurrence Preceding All Others
Precious Metal Musical Devices
Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic
Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage
Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend
Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular
Or Plural By The First Person Plural
Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs
Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too
Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The
Period Between December 21st And March
21st In The Northern Hemisphere
Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O’clock During A Clement
Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea
Southwest Of Jerusalem
Answers: 1. O
Come All Ye Faithful, 2. Deck The Halls, 3. The Little
Drummer Boy, 4. I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas, 5.
Silent Night, 6. We Three Kings, 7. The First Noel, 8.
Silver Bells, 9. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, 10.
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, 11. Let It Snow, 12. We
Wish You A Merry Christmas, 13. Hark! The Herald Angels
Sing, 14. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, 15. Walking In
A Winter Wonderland, 16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear,
17. O Little Town Of Bethlehem
woman came into my pharmacy with a shopping list. As she
asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, I
inquired what size of each she wanted. Everything was
going well until she requested a bottle of
I was surprised when, in response to my
usual question, “What size?” she said, “What size would
you suggest? I’m only having four for
few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were
talking. He asked, “Mom, is there a Santa
what do you think?” I asked him.
replied, “Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift
from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping
paper.” He thought for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you
what … you and Dad can go on buying me presents and
let’s just forget we ever had this talk!”
in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the
annual conflict of which was more important – the
football games on television, or the dinner itself. To
keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family,
and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner
conversation before retiring to the family room to turn
on the game.
minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously
even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me
on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it
was the end of the third quarter and that the score was
still nothing to nothing.
“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You
didn’t miss a thing.”
SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN?
think Santa Claus is a woman … I hate to be the one to
defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing
a guy could possibly pull it all off!
starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if
they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time
Warp until 3 P.M. on December 24th, then they
– with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for
a last-minute shopping spree.
at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only
Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left
on the shelves. (You might think this would send them
into fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me
it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the
11th hour decision-making burden.) On this
count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if
he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating Musical Chia Pet
under the tree, still in the bag.
problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of
all, there would be no reindeer because they would all
be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of
the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer,
he’d still have transportation problems because he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and
then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays
in the chimney, Where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop
to inspect the repoint bricks in the flue. He would also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is
crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright
reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
can’t pack a bag.
would rather be dead that caught wearing red
would feel their masculinity is threatened … having to
be seen with all those elves.
don’t answer their mail.
would refuse to allow their physique to be described
even in jest as anything remotely resembling a
“bowlful of jelly.”
aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s
to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.
being responsible for Christmas would require a
can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men
Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous. Definite guy.
flies around carrying weapons.
Sam is a politician who likes to point
Any one of
these individuals could pass the testosterone screening
test. But no St. Nick.
Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will,
peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of
“The Christmas Song,” it probably makes little
difference what gender Santa is.
just wish he’d quit dressing like a guy!!!!
SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN? (A Rebuttal)
is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here’s
First, Christmas would be late every year.
line at the department store would never move because
Santa would feel the need to “bond” with every kid that
sat on her lap.
The elves would never get any
toys made because they’d be too busy telling her, “No
Santa, those red pants do not make you look
woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might
break a nail in there. Also, men don’t care if they
would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down
what about Santa’s beard? I’m sure you’ll agree that
most women look significantly better without facial
hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without
Santa was female, she sure wouldn’t have white hair. And
she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her
tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa
on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition
would be chocolates and Latte’s. Also, a male Santa
would judiciously take a bite from each cookie to prove
he had been there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn
box of Snackwells would be devoured there’d be a sea of
empty Ben & Jerry’s containers all over the kitchen
doesn’t need to ask directions. A female Santa would get
her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are
no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides,
she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and
rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then
complain about the way he drove.
would never say ”HO HO HO”. She would analyze it too
much and think it was somehow demeaning.
any self-respecting female Santa really be seen wearing
the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to
have a new one each year. And red would not be the
color. It would be more like pink or purple.
would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you
are going to make the deer wait until they get back to
the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.
Yup, Santa’s a guy alright!