The First Responder

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 June 2004   VOLUME 3 ISSUE 2  

PALMTOP EMERGENCY ACTION FOR CHEMICALS (PEAC)
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CONTENTS
Technically Speaking
Let's Take A PEEK at the PEAC Software
Just What the Doctor Ordered
Wonderful Wyoming
Authorized Distributors of the PEAC Systems
Where Will We Be?
ARCHIVE
May 2004
May 18, 2004
Vol. 3 Issue 1
April 2004
April 20, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 12
March 2004
March 16, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 11
February 2004
February 17, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 10
January 2004
January 16, 2004
Vol. 2 Issue 9
December 2003
December 16, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 8
November 2003
November 17, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 7
October 2003
October 20, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 6
September 2003
September 17, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 5
August 2003
August 15, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 4
July 2003
July 15, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 3
June 2003
June 17, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 2
May 2003
May 16, 2003
Vol. 2 Issue 1
April 2003
April 17, 2003
Vol. 1 Issue 12
March 2003
March 17, 2003
Vol. 1 Issue 11
February 2003
February 17, 2003
Vol. 1 Issue 10
January 2003
January 24, 2003
Vol. 1 Issue 9
December 2002
December 31, 2002
Vol. 1 Issue 8
November 2002
November 26, 2002
Vol. 1 Issue 7
October 2002
October 31, 2002
Vol. 1 Issue 6

[MORE]
Just What the Doctor Ordered
A Little Laughter

HOW FATHERS WERE CREATED

Not really humor, but nice thought in honor of Fathers everywhere for Father’s Day.

When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. A female angel nearby said, “What kind of father is that? If you’re going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won’t be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.” And God smiled and said, “Yes, but if I make him child-size, who would children have to look up to?”

And when God made a father’s hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel shook her head sadly and said, “Large hands are clumsy. They can’t manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats.” And God smiled and said, “I know, but they’re large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child’s face.

And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly had a heart attack. “Boy, this is the end of the week, all right,” she clucked. “Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?” And God smiled and said, “A Mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus.”

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. “That’s not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?” And God smiled and said, “They’ll work. You’ll see. They’ll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross and scare off mice at the summer cabin or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill.”

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm, authoritative voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He turned to the angel and said, “Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?”

The angel shutteth up

FIRST PREGNANCY

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out this magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

FISHING TERMS

10 Common Fishing Terms Explained

Catch and Release – A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it’s limit.

Hook – (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line – Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure – An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel – A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod – An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School – A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle – What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box – A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test – (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.

THE FIRST PARENT
By Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.”

“Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?”

“It’s over there,” said God, wondering why He hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the First Parent asked.

“Uh Huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Adam answered.

God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be too hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

FISHINTALK
When Fishermen Meet

‘’Hiyamac”

“Binearlong?”

“Cetchenny?”

“Goddafew”

“Kindarthay?”

“Bassencarp”

“Ennysizetoom?”

“Couplapowns”

“Hittinhard?”

“Sordalike”

“Wachoosen?”

“Gobbawurms”

“Fishanonaboddum?”

“Rydononaboddum”

“Whatchadrinking?”

“Jugajimbeam”

“Igoddago”

“Tubad”

“Seeyaroun”

“Yeahtakideezy”

“Guluck”

FEEDING THE BABY

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, and then says, “What in the world are you doing?”

He replied, “I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”

FISHING TRIP

Many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.

“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!”

“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away……”

DRIVER’S PERMIT

A young man had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, “I’ll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.”

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he’d best settle for the offer, and they agreed.

After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you’ve been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday Morning. But I’m real disappointed seeing as you haven’t got your hair cut.”

The young man paused a moment and then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptizer had long hair, and there’s even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair.”

To which his father replied, “Perhaps, and they WALKED everywhere they went!”

DAD’S WORDS OF WISDOM
For all the fathers out there, how many of these have you said?

Don’t ask me, ask your mother. Were you raised in a barn? Close the door. You didn’t beat me. I let you win. Big boys don’t cry. Don’t worry. It’s only blood. Don’t you know any normal boys? Now you listen to ME, Buster! I’ll play catch after I read the paper. Coffee will stunt your growth. A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off. Get your elbows off the table. I told you, keep your eye on the ball. Who said life was supposed to be fair. Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more. If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world. You call that a haircut? “Hey” is for horses. This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you. Turn off those lights. Do you think I am made of money? Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady. You call that noise” music”? We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are. No, we’re not there yet. Shake it off. It’s only pain. When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect. As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules. I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why. Do what I say, not what I do. Sit up straight! So you think you’re smart, do you? What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face. Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. C’mon, you throw like a girl. You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do. You should visit more often. Your mother worries. This is your last warning. I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel. What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off? I’m not just talking to hear my own voice! Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. What do you think I am, a bank? What part of NO don’t you understand? I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s father! You’re not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think? Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady! Worrying about things you can’t change is like a rocking chair…it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Hurt much? I didn’t feel a thing. I feel for you, but I can’t reach you from here. If you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve gotta be tough. Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?! You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy. It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad. I got my tongue wrapped around my eyetooth and couldn’t see what I was saying. Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another one will come along. Don’t tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first. Hey, did you hear me talking to you? You know you’re always gonna be Daddy’s little girl. I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes. Don’t use that tone with me! Am I talking to a brick wall? If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll…. Act your age. Two wrongs do not make a right. Wipe your feet! Enough is enough! Don’t make me stop the car! What did I just get finished telling you?

GOLF TEES

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement - “Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee back up to the men’s tee!”

Murray had enough. He straightens up and shouts, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play me second shot?”

GENERATION GAP

During one “generation gap” quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, “I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try and stop me!”

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

“Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.”

“Who’s trying to stop you?” replied his father. “If you wait a minute, I’ll go with you.”

THE EIGHT SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
By W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1998

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, whom I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates; I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: Wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too --- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ballpoint might be inadequate – ink washes off – and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?


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