Attainable New Year’s Resolutions
I want to
gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
Exercising. Waste of time.
TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
Take up a
new habit: smoking.
least $1,000 a month on hookers.
time at work.
vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest
ball of twine.
bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
money and time to charity.
goal: bring back disco.
Have my car
lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get
the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Speak in a
monotone voice and only use monosyllabic works.
jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope
for a belt. Wal-Mart Shopping
Only wear white T-shirts with those
fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
Things to do
at Wal-Mart while your spouse/shopping partner is taking
their sweet time:
Set all the
alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Make a trail
of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest
Walk up to
an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code
3 in house ware’ …. And see what happens.
Go to the
Service Desk and ask to put a bag of ‘M&M’s’ on lay
‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
Set up a
tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you’ll invite them in if they bring pillows from the
When a clerk
asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why
can’t you people just leave me alone?’
into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
handling the guns in the hunting department, ask the
clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme
from “Mission Impossible”.
In the auto
department, practice your “Madonna look” using different
Hide in a
clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK
announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the
fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voice
And last but
not least: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and
wait a while and then yell loudly “There is no toilet
paper in here!”New Years Resolutions for Internet
I will try
to figure out why I * really * need 9 e-mail
I will stop
sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to
work with neglected children – my own.
answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which
I answer my e-mail.
I will stop
sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the
phone at the same time with the same person..
I resolve to
back up my 12 GB hard drive daily … well, once a week
…okay, monthly then … or maybe …
I will spend
less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of
course, will be hard to estimate since I’m, not a clock
When I hear
“Where do you want to go today?” I will not reply “MS
When I hear
a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL …LOL!”
I will read
the annual … just as soon as I can find it.
I will think
of a password other than “password.”
I will stop
checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning … 4:30 is much
I resolve …
I resolve to … I resolve to, uh … I resolve to, uh, get
my, er … I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work
done, too!Why We are Tired!!!
For a couple
of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much
pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of. But now I found out the
real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s
population of this country is 273 million 140 million
133 million to do the work.
There are 85
million in school,
48 million to do the work.
there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
are in the armed forces preoccupied with tracking down
16.2 Million to do the work.
Then we have
the total of 14,800,000 people who work for state and
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
1,212,000 to do the work.
are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.
me-and there you are, sitting on your butt at your
computer reading jokes.North Pole Goes Corporate
announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement plan package has
triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will
be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at
the North Pole.
was no longer appropriate in view of the reality that
the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift
shopping channels and mail order catalogs have
diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit
idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who
summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and
should take up the slack with no discernable loss of
service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased
to inform you and yours that Rudolph’s role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the
North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible
language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that
way from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who
was into the sauce and never did pull his share of his
load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s
helpers and taken out of context at a time when he is
known to be under executive stress.
As a further
restructuring, today’s global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economic measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days
of Christmas” subsidiary:
partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance.
turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during
working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
French Hens will remain intact. After all, everybody
loves the French.
calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is under
way to determine whom the birds have been calling, how
often and how long they talked.
golden rings have been put on hold by the board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one
commodity could have negative implications for
institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order.
geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer
be afforded. It has long been felt that the production
rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and
an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one.
swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. Their function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement.
As you know,
the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a
–mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phase out as there individuals grown older and
can no long do the steps.
Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus
the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group
with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the saving are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because
we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this
pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a
string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms
will produce savings that will drop right down to the
expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies
indicate that stretching deliveries of 12 days is
inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service
levels will be improved
the lawsuit by the attorney’s association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen
lawyers a-suing”) action is pending.
is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that
happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize
the Snow White division to see if seven dwarfs is the