Kids

Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means ?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently.
"It means carrying a child."

A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning.
He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV.......'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup !"

Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy.
"I see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven ?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there
is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take
care of it ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect
those of us who were born before 1950!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...
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Hard Landing

An airline pilot was telling about a particular flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"
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Horsing Around

Yesterday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground.

My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came and unplugged it.
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The Irish Pub

Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and ordered 3 pints of Guinness, to be served all at the same time. The bartender put the three pints in front of him, and he took a little sip out of one, put it down; then took a little sip out of the second, put it down; and then took a little sip out of the third. He put it down, went back to the first pint, and started the process all over again, until he had drunk all three pints.

Then he paid the bartender and left.

This went on for months, every night the same thing. Finally, the bartender cannot stand it any longer, and he approaches Pat. "Patrick", he says.

"Aye", says Patrick.

"I've been watching you come in here for months. Every night you order the same thing. Three pints. All at once. Then, instead of drinking them one at a time, you take a little sip out of each one until you eventually finish all three. Then, you just leave. I have never seen anything like that. I don't want to be prying into your personal affairs; but, if you wouldn't mind telling me, WHY?"

"Well, you know my brothers Michael and John moved to New York".

"Aye".

"Well, I promised my brothers that I would have a pint every night in our favorite pub, just like in the old days, in remembrance of the old days when we were together. So, that's what I do each night. Me and my brothers are having a drink together. Do ya' understand now?"

"Aye".

This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes rather famous in the pub for it. Finally, the time comes when Patrick orders only two pints. He drinks them the same way and leaves, but everybody knows something is terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can stand it anymore, so they ask the bartender to approach Patrick about it.

So, the bartender approaches Pat, "Patrick?"

"Aye", says Patrick.

"I understand there has been a tragedy in your family".

"WHAT, What tragedy??"

"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I understand".

"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why would you think something happened to one of me brothers??"

"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every night; and all of a sudden you started drinking only two pints. We assumed that something happened to one of your brothers."

"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that my Doctor said I had to take better care of myself, so I quit drinking."

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The last three, Hard Landing, Horsing Around and The Irish Pub are from the website, http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ .