Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down
the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside
to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means ?"
she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently.
"It means carrying a child."
A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old
grandson one morning.
He had made her coffee. She
drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When
she got to the bottom, there were three of those little
green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are
the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV.......'The best part of waking
up is soldiers in your cup !"
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw
pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was
puzzled by Jimmy's picture which showed four people on
an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant
to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy.
see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby
Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to
get into heaven ?" The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's
sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed
past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one
youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good
luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that,
Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his
mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving
Just got this in from a reliable
source. It seems there
is a virus called the "Senile
Virus" that even the most
advanced programs of
Norton and McAfee cannot take
care of it ..... so be
warned. The virus appears to affect
those of us who
were born before 1950!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
1. Causes you to
send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to
the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to
forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit
"SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the
ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's
what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have
put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about
the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and
then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO
YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent
An airline pilot was telling about a particular
flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
Yesterday, I had a near death experience that has
changed me forever.
I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine
until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried
with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my
foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I
fell head first to the ground.
My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did
not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope
and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came and
The Irish Pub
Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and
ordered 3 pints of Guinness, to be served all at the
same time. The bartender put the three pints in front of
him, and he took a little sip out of one, put it down;
then took a little sip out of the second, put it down;
and then took a little sip out of the third. He put it
down, went back to the first pint, and started the
process all over again, until he had drunk all three
Then he paid the bartender and left.
This went on for months, every night the same thing.
Finally, the bartender cannot stand it any longer, and
he approaches Pat. "Patrick", he says.
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I've been watching you come in here for months.
Every night you order the same thing. Three pints. All
at once. Then, instead of drinking them one at a time,
you take a little sip out of each one until you
eventually finish all three. Then, you just leave. I
have never seen anything like that. I don't want to be
prying into your personal affairs; but, if you wouldn't
mind telling me, WHY?"
"Well, you know my brothers Michael and John moved to
"Well, I promised my brothers that I would have a
pint every night in our favorite pub, just like in the
old days, in remembrance of the old days when we were
together. So, that's what I do each night. Me and my
brothers are having a drink together. Do ya' understand
This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes
rather famous in the pub for it. Finally, the time comes
when Patrick orders only two pints. He drinks them the
same way and leaves, but everybody knows something is
terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can stand it
anymore, so they ask the bartender to approach Patrick
So, the bartender approaches Pat, "Patrick?"
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I understand there has been a tragedy in your
"WHAT, What tragedy??"
"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I
"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why
would you think something happened to one of me
"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every
night; and all of a sudden you started drinking only two
pints. We assumed that something happened to one of your
"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that my
Doctor said I had to take better care of myself, so I
three, Hard Landing, Horsing Around and The Irish Pub
are from the website, http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/