Faster Than A Speeding Chicken

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken."
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Another slant on the story. This time provided by IJMC, The (I)nternational (J)unk (M)ail (C)learinghouse.

One person who used to work for British Aerospace tells a similar story (which he swears is true) that these machines are actually used to fire chickens into jet engines to simulate birdstrikes on the compressor blades. To make a long story short, in order to thaw the chicken, someone left it in the gun overnight and performed the test in the morning. The results were somewhat different than expected and close examination of the high speed video footage showed a very startled looking stray cat clinging to a half-eaten chicken as it exited the gun at MACH 0.7.

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Barney

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants
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This'll make you feel both old & nostalgic!

CLASS OF 2002

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Space Invaders.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 2 years old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 3 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable and satellite.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a terry nappy is.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

They have no idea when or why Pepe jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "De plane, de plane!".

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.

McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.