DID I SAY THAT?

Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

 

CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS

Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told my eleven-year-old daughter.

"That's probably because there's a Starbucks on every corner," she observed.

 

PASSWORD PROTECTION

A technician created an account for a new system user, who tells the tech that he has a hard time remembering things like usernames and passwords.

The tech suggested that he could write it on a small piece of paper until he memorized it, then destroy it, emphasizing that he shouldn't write any other information on the paper in case he lost it. The tech added that it would be the same as writing his PIN on his ATM card.

The user reached in his wallet and pulled out his ATM card and said, "Like this?"

 

SOME LAWYER JOKES

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all of the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First why does each clock move at a different speed?" The devil replied, 'They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on the earth. What is your second question?"

The lawyer asked where the attorney's clock was, as he couldn't seem to find it. The devil looked puzzled, then his face brightened and he replied, "Oh, we keep that one in the workshop. It's used as a fan."


Q: Why is walking into a Bar Association meeting like going to a bait shop?
A: Where else could you expect to find suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers?


"The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer."
--Will Rogers


Personally, I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer."
--Will Rogers


A military officer was introduced to a federal judge at a social occasion. To open the conversation, the officer told the judge his profession. When the judge said what he did, the officer said, "That's a coincidence, I've sworn an oath to support and defend whatever pops into your head."


Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

 

SORRY, I CAN'T DO THAT!

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."

 

PLAIN OR GLAZED

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"


SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his bottom again!' 

 

WEDDING BLUES

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE ON RETIREMENT

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.

One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

 

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

 

DRAWBACKS TO WORKING IN A CUBICLE

1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!
2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
8) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds too.
9) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
10) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
11) If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."
12) If your boss calls you and asks you to come into his office for a minute, the walk there is like a funeral march. People hand you tissues as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.
13) You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

 

DEPRESSION

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody, it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?" "Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."

 

WHEN DAD BABYSITS

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?' And sure enough!!!

 

FORREST GUMP MEETS ST. PETER

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind, but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.' 'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

 

A TIRED DOG

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children, he's trying to catch up on his sleep." "Can I come with him tomorrow?"

 

LAWS OF CARTOON MOTION

"I KNOW this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law!"
-Bugs Bunny, High Diving Hare (1949)

1. ANY BODY SUSPENDED IN SPACE WILL REMAIN SUSPENDED IN SPACE, UNTIL MADE AWARE OF ITS SITUATION.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters flippantly until he chances to look down. At this point the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes precedence.

2. ANY BODY IN MOTION WILL TEND TO REMAIN IN MOTION, UNTIL SOLID MATTER INTERVENES SUDDENLY.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination the stooge's surcease.

3. ANY BODY PASSING THROUGH SOLID MATTER WILL LEAVE A PERFORATION CONFORMING TO ITS PERIMETER.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of direct pressure explosions and reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house.

4. THE TIME REQUIRED FOR AN OBJECT TO FALL 20 STORIES IS GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO THE TIME IT TAKES FOR WHOEVER KNOCKED IT OFF THE LEDGE TO SPIRAL DOWN 20 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE IT UNBROKEN.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to catch it, inevitably unsuccessful.

5. ALL PRINCIPLES OF GRAVITY ARE NEGATED BY FEAR.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them away from the surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a running character or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, ergo fleeing turns to flight.

6. AS SPEED INCREASES, OBJECTS CAN BE SEEN IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT PLACES AT ONCE.
This is particularly true in tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be seen emerging from a cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled, and simulates our own vision's trailing retention of images. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at maniac-high speeds and may ricochet off the walls to achieve the velocity required for self-mass-liberation.

7. CERTAIN BODIES CAN PASS THROUGH A SOLID WALL PAINTED TO RESEMBLE A TUNNEL ENTRANCE, OTHERS CANNOT.
This tompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to pursue into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not science.

8. NECESSITY PLUS WILL, PROVOKE SPONTANEOUS GENERATION.
Dangerously palpable objects - such as mallets, dynamite, pies and alluring female attire - can be manifested from what might previously have been considered "thin" air, but only when the friction of immediate jeopardy makes the object's appearance imperative. The controversial "pocket" theory suggests these objects are drawn from unseen recesses of a character's costume, or from a storehouse immediately off-screen, but this merely defers the question of how any absolutely apt object is instantaneously available.

9. ANY VIOLENT REARRANGEMENT OF FELINE MATTER IS IMPERMANENT.
Cartoon cats possess more deaths than even the traditional nine lives afford. They can be sliced, splayed, accordion-pleated or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self-pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back or solidify.

10. FOR EVERY VENGEANCE, THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REVENGEANCE.
This is one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.


TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930’S, 40’S, 50’S, 60’S, AND 70’S!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside, playing, that’s why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve that problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10^th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were?

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?

 

LITTLE LEAGUE GAME

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

 

OPTIMIST AND PESSIMIST

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

 

BIGGEST LIE

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning with, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."