GOOD GRAMMAR
Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with
"I".
Billy: I is
Teacher: No, Billy.
Always say, "I am."
Billy: All right.
"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TOMATO GARDEN
He wanted to dig
his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him,
was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty
badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this
year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you
were here my troubles would be over. I
know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he
received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that
garden. That's where I buried the
bodies.
Love, Vinnie!
At 4 a.m. The next
morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the
old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant
the tomatoes now.
That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
FAMILY ENCOURAGEMENT
Mary was having a
tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she
thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother,
"Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game,
hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
BLONDE JOKE
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas. With
his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting: "I've heard enough of
your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from
reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm
talking to that loud mouth on your knee."
ANNIVERSARY CITATION
Driving home after working
late the other day, I was stopped by a police officer for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be
with my wife on our first anniversary, which was the truth.
However, instead of
being let off with a warning, the officer said, "Congratulations!"
and then proceeded to write out the ticket.
As he handed it to me, he said, "The first year is paper,
right?"
COACH CALL
As a high school
football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on
sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was
talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.
When his wife
informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to
speak to the coach right away.
"Just calm
down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's
wife told him. "What's your
number?"
The flustered kid
replied, "Three."
ZOOKEEPER'S DILEMMA
A zookeeper wanted
to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the
plural of 'Mongoose'.
He started the
letter: "To whom it may concern, I
need two Mongeese."
No, that won't
work, he thought and tried again:
"To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an
idea: "To whom it may concern, I
need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
COLLATERAL
I accompanied my
husband when he went to get a haircut.
Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked
the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the
photo.
"Leave some
ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my
husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes,"
she replied. "But I need something
you'll come back for."
FAMOUS
QUOTES? These Are Great
:-))))))))))))))))))))
When I die, I want
to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his
car."
--Author Unknown
Advice for the
day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep
away from children"
--Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate
your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
bar."
--Drew Carey
"Instead of
getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her
a house."
--Rod Stewart
"The problem
with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever
get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman
has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will
choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
--Dave Barry
"Relationships
are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If
your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two
weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in
the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just
want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea
World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"I think
that's how Chicago got started. A bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"If life were
fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I
think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"My parents
didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the
law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in
elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is
having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you
were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But I
repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
"Our bombs are
smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
"Women
complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can
be myself."
--Roseanne
"You can say
any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My
God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
Do you know why
they call it "PMS"? Because
"Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed
deceased
AIR CONDITIONING
A customer was
continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the
air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be
turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the
waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting
angry. So finally, a second customer
asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't
care," said the waiter with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
AT THE RESTAURANT
We took the family
to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie
memorabilia. I went to see the hostess
about reserving a table.
When I returned, I
found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a
phone booth. She looked puzzled.
"Doesn't she
know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband.
"Worse,"
he replied, "she doesn't know what a phone both is."
DRUM PROBLEM
There was once a
small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone
else said or did. Various attempts were
made to do something about the child.
One person told the
boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his
eardrums. This reasoning was too
advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person
told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only
on special occasions. The third person
offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a
fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger
through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make
him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise
person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel,
and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
BATHROOM EXASPERATION
As the lone female
in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my
nerves. One day, I emerged from the
bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it
with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know,"
he said, nodding in agreement. "I
noticed that when I was in there earlier."
HEMINGWAY HALL
A visitor to a
college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building
named for Ernest Hemingway."
"Actually,"
said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?"
"Yes,
indeed. He wrote a check."
PERSONAL AIRCRAFT SAFETY
The pilot was
sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator
replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot
responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator
proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table.
The pilot asked,
"What's that for?"
"To be honest
sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you
will."
BURGLAR AND VICAR
A burglar broke
into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're
dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied,
"Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
FAILING EYESIGHT
An older lady was
expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was
failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than
perfect. So, she came up with a plan to
prove to him that she could see perfectly.
She put a straight
pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.
When her beau
arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped
the conversation and asked, "Is
that a pin sticking in that tree?"
Her friend squinted
his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."
"Well, I'm
going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and
collided with a cow.
OPEN AND SHUT CASE
Nathan is talking
to his lawyer. "Here's the deal,
Frank. If you're absolutely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the
business."
"Okay,"
replies Frank, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to
know the facts."
So Nathan goes into
great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now
you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money
back?"
"Well,"
replies Frank, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will
win. It's rare to have such an
open-and-shut case."
Nathan goes very
white when he hears this.
"What's the
matter?" asks Frank.
"I told you my
partner's side of the case," replies Nathan.
THE "REAL" WORLD
My brother was
recently launched into the "real world" and, shocked by the expenses
that came with it, he was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got
married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower. "He smiled and said, "Dad, that
would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
POTATO PROBLEM
Upon going away to
college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because
of his fondness for mashed potatoes.
Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very
good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the
kitchen."
After a perplexed
pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?"
To which a
surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
PIEDMONT DOORS
We got lucky when
we heard that the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its
beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in
our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend
around the house, I pointed out the doors saying, "You know, these doors
are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an
eyebrow. "Most people just take
the towels."
AGE BAROMETER
How many of these
do you remember?
(No right or
wrong answers, just a measure of how old you are and what you remember).
Blackjack and
Beeman's gum
Powerhouse candy
bars
Licorice records
Wax teeth, lips and
mustaches
Wax Coke-shaped
bottles with colored sugar water
Candy lipstick
Candy cigarettes
Fizzies
Soda pop machines
that dispense bottles
Pull tabs that
snapped off soda cans
Tableside jukeboxes
in coffee shops
Home milk delivery
in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Movies preceded by
cartoons and newsreels
Party lines
Rotary phones
Drive-ins with car
hops
Sock hops
Winter rubber boots
with metal latches
Coonskin caps
P.F. Flyers
Angora sweaters
Bouffant hairdos
Spoolies
Hair dryers with
plastic caps
Butch wax
Dart guns with
rubber-tipped darts
Tin-can telephones
Peashooters
Cork popguns
Roll of cap-gun
caps
Howdy Doody puppets
Beanie and Cecil
dolls
Two-bladed ice skates
that clip onto shoes
Roller skates that
clip onto shoes
Roller skate keys
S & H green
stamps and Plaid stamps
Metal lunchboxes
Winky Dink kits for
drawing on the TV screen
Crystal radios
Console hi-fi's
with 78's
45-rpm records
Hand-crank wringers
on tub washing machines
Slide rules
Levered metal ice
trays
Mimeograph paper
Carbon paper
Flash bulbs
Eight-track tape
decks
8mm Home movie
cameras
Dick and Jane
readers
From the
shallow end of the gene pool, it's ...
THE DARWIN AWARDS
Yes,
it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.
Here
is the glorious Winner:
1.
When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder. He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.
And
now, the Honorable Mentions:
2.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and
submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The
company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and he
also lost a finger.
The
chef's claim was approved.
3. A
man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space, understandably, he shot her.
4.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that
the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An
American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When
asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply
trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.
6. A
man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the
cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided. The
man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer, $15. (If someone points a gun
at you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?)
7.
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back
and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught
on videotape.
8. As
a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher.
Within
minutes, the police apprehended the purse snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and
told to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."
9. The
Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast.
The
man, frustrated, walked away.
*****
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle
street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up
next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
PINK HUMVEES
Before our division
was deployed, we had to repaint our Humvees from their normal "olive
drab" camouflage to a "sand" color.
The result was a
pinkish hue, and then the jokes began.
One guy renamed us
the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the bumper sticker that said,
"Ask me about Mary Kay."
PET RULES
To be posted VERY
LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the
paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was
not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy
anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do
not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time,
there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is
kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my
dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like
to Complain About Our Pets:
- They live here. You don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your
clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
- I like my pets a lot better than I like
most people.
- To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and
cats are better than kids because they:
- Eat less
- Don't ask for money all the time
- Are easier to train
- Normally come when called
- Never ask to drive the car
- Don't hang out with drug-using friends
- Don't smoke or drink
- Don't have to buy the latest fashions
- Don't want to wear your clothes
- Don't need a "gazillion"
dollars for college
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children