WHAT RANK?

While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his.

"What rank are you?" I asked.

"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major."

"Relieved? Why?"

"Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."


HUSBANDS AND WIVES

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."

A lady placed an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
The next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married, and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.


AGE BY CAR RADIO

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldie's station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach the 30's, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button and hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldie's station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul, will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music".


A MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION

(Not quite a joke, but worth reading.)

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.


TRIVIA FOR DUMMIES

A husband and wife were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed him by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

"How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh ... the seven original colonies!"


LANDING REQUEST

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach.


FIRST DAY OF PSYCHIATRY CLASS

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."


FIRST AID

The third grade class was being given a course in first aid. The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"

After a pause, one of the students answered, "Easy! I'd climb through the window!"


NAIL BITING

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"


FRIENDLY SKIES

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "(Expletive) you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.


HAND DRYERS

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.

I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read: "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."


WAITER FEEDBACK

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."



KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (THE ACTUAL AP HEADLINE)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (a man's perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day, 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; then God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS."


THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


CONVERSATIONS ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?

"The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

The little girls ask, "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"


SKINNY DIPPERS

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men may move slow but can still think fast.


BANFF PARK TOURISTS

All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists

Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!

1 - How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

2 - At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3 - Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: "Elk."
Tourist: "Oh."

4 - Are the bears with collars tame?

5 - Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6 - Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

7 - Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8 - I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

9 - Are there birds in Canada?

10 - Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11 - Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12 - Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13 - Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14 - If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15 - Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

16 - How far is Banff from Canada?

17 - What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18 - Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19 - When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20. - Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

21 - Are there phones in Banff?

22 - So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles?

23 - We're on the decibel system you know.

24 - Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25 - Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?

26 - Where do you put the animals at night?

27 - Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom."
Tourist: "Oh!"


BROKEN BONE

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."


SKINNY PEOPLE!

Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.