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While visiting my
son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his.
"What rank are
you?" I asked.
to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major."
he replied, "my last name is Hook."
HUSBANDS AND WIVES
After a quarrel, a
husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married
She replied, "
Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."
A lady placed an ad
in the classifieds: "Husband
The next day she
received a hundred letters.
They all said the
same thing: "You can have
The bride, upon her
engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like
Her mother replied,
"So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals
your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.
Man is incomplete
until he is married. Then he is
A little boy asked
his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father
replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: "Is
it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?"
happens in every country, son."
Then there was a
man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married,
and then it was too late."
A woman was telling
her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was
he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied,
Just think, if it
weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at
The most effective
way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.
AGE BY CAR RADIO
Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and
rap -- except the oldie's station for your parents.
Professional: Still programmed to rap,
rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach the 30's, you'll probably
also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.
Professional: Will use the
"scan" button and hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the
Age: Thank goodness for
"adult" pop, rock, and soul, will actually listen to the oldies for a
Age: It's not that you're old enough to
listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.
Retirement: The radio is either on the
oldies or off.
Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that
"oldies" station started playing all of this "new music".
A MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
(Not quite a joke,
but worth reading.)
During my second
month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had
breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman
who cleans the school?"
Surely, this was
some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was
tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my
paper, leaving the last question blank.
Before class ended,
one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
said the professor. "In your
careers you will meet many people. All
are significant. They deserve your attention
and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."
forgotten that lesson. I also learned
her name was Dorothy.
TRIVIA FOR DUMMIES
A husband and wife
were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed him by answering correctly that
there are seven rays on the crown of the Statue of Liberty.
"How in the
world did you know that?" he asked.
Rolling her eyes,
she answered, "Duuuhh ... the seven original colonies!"
There's a story
about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his
single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control
told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine
pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach.
FIRST DAY OF PSYCHIATRY CLASS
psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What
is the opposite of joy?"
said the student.
And the opposite of
depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of
The Texan replied,
"Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
The third grade
class was being given a course in first aid.
The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger
sibling who swallowed a house key?"
After a pause, one
of the students answered, "Easy!
I'd climb through the window!"
Two elderly women
were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
"I do wish my
Leroy would stop biting his nails. That
makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.
"Oh, my Elmer
used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real
"What did you
"I hid his
An award should go
to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly
During the final
days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter
and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied,
"I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to
try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."
The passenger was
unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I
the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have
your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger
here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks
behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore, "(Expletive) you."
she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for
The man retreated
as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were
no longer angry at United.
My pastor friend
put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two
weeks took them out.
I asked him why and
he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that
read: "For a sample of this week's
sermon, push the button."
The diner was
furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?
"I can't thank
you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (THE ACTUAL AP HEADLINE)
Linda Burnett, 23,
a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a
nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes
closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who
had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the
car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were
now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the
paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda
refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough
on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit
canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone
noticed and came to her aid
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back
of the milk carton.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (a man's
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day, 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me; then God made me stupid so I would
be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS."
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00
AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed
his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have
created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in
the parking lot. The man told his wife
to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection, she saw a
pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the
hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
A stranger was
seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her
and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up
a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl,
who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't
know", said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"
said. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet
a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
The little girls
ask, "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond, fixed up
really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. When he came
closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
BANFF PARK TOURISTS
All Time Dumbest
Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
Yes, they're ALL
TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!
1 - How do the elk
know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2 - At what
elevation does an elk become a moose?
3 - Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: "Elk."
4 - Are the bears
with collars tame?
5 - Is there
anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6 - Is it okay to
keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7 - Where can I
find Alpine Flamingos?
8 - I saw an animal
on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9 - Are there birds
10 - Did I miss the
turnoff for Canada?
11 - Where does
Alberta end and Canada begin?
12 - Do you have a
map of the State of Jasper?
13 - Is this the
part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14 - If I go to
B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15 - Which is the
way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16 - How far is
Banff from Canada?
17 - What's the
best way to see Canada in a day?
18 - Do they search
you at the B.C. border?
19 - When we enter
B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. - Where can I
buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own
one, don't they?
21 - Are there
phones in Banff?
22 - So it's eight
kilometers away... is that in miles?
23 - We're on the
decibel system you know.
24 - Where can I
get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25 - Is that two
kilometers by foot or by car?
26 - Where do you
put the animals at night?
27 - Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the
While leading a
tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation
between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever
broken a bone?" he asked.
the girl replied.
"Really? Which bone did you break?"
Skinny people irritate
me. Especially when they say things
like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys, but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.