I want to apologize to all of our readers!! Everyone knows there is nothing worse than
someone telling a joke and forgetting the punch line. Last month the following joke did not have the last
paragraph. We hope you enjoy it a
little more this month.
There were two
elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of
One evening there
was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring
glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you
After about six
seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.
Next morning, he
was troubled. "Did she say 'yes'
or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't
remember. Try as he would, he just
could not recall. Not even a faint
memory. With trepidation, he went to
the telephone and called her. First, he
explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening
past. As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes,
yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I
couldn't remember who had asked me."
Two church members
were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy
to see them. She told them, in no
uncertain terms, that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the
door in their faces. To her surprise,
however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into
it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back
open. Convinced these rude young people
were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that
would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do
that again, you need to move your cat."
POLICE HUMOR - WYOMING STATE
TROOPERS - GOTTA LOVE 'EM!
In most of the
northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the
highway when the temperatures drop down into the single digits or below. About 3 A.M. one very cold morning in March
2004, a state trooper responded to a call:
there was a car off the shoulder of the road on the outskirts of
Casper. He located the car, stuck in
Pulling in behind
the car with his emergency lights on the officer walked to the driver's door to
find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle
on the seat beside him. The driver came
awake when the officer tapped on the window.
Seeing the rotating
lights in his rear view mirror and the state trooper standing next to his car,
the man panicked, jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40
and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. The officer, having a sense of humor, began
running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the
officer was actually keeping up with him.
This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man
ordering him to "Pull Over!"
The man obeyed,
turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from Casper was arrested and is probably still
shaking his head over the state trooper who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says policemen
don't have a sense of humor?
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all
his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know.
The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his
down in one shot. His wife watched him,
then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself
Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children
were awed by the sight.
The kids were
especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd
each like to light one - which they did.
She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or
thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday
"Do you have
any questions?" she asked.
said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
To be posted
VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the
paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and
food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was
not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy
anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do
not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time,
there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is
kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my
dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet
Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
here. You don't.
If you don't
want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
I like my pets
a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it's
an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than
kids because they:
- Eat less
- Don't ask for money all the time
- Are easier to train
- Normally come when called
- Never ask to drive the car
- Don't hang out with drug-using friends
- Don't smoke or drink
- Don't have to buy the latest fashions
- Don't want to wear your clothes
- Don't need a "gazillion"
dollars for college.
- And finally, if they get pregnant, you
can sell their children.
According to a
recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right doesn't have to be
complicated. Nutritionists say there is
a simple way to tell if you're eating right.
Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that
this morning. I had an entire bowl of
M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
My husband was once
employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that
some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as
employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed
lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over
fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in
If you have an
"Automotive Minded" person in you life, these gift suggestions should
1 - Tire Air Change
Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires.
This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air
every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25
2 - Blinker
Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is
this stuff hard to find. 4oz
3 - Synthetic
Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle.
4 - Light Bulb
Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly
good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new
filament? Premium Filaments, made in
the USA! $1 ea.
5 - Manifold
Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should
be HOT. If it's not, you may need this
item. Sold by the pound. $3.50
6 - Steering Wheel
Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99
7 - Tie Rod
Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99
8 - Alternator
Batteries. (4 required, replace them
all!) From $2.99
9 - Fan Belt
Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99
10 - Muffler
Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11 - Muffler
Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12 - Universal
Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13 - Muffler
Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24
14 - Muffler
Bearings From $19.95
15 - Muffler
Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16 - Momentum
(required for tackling some off-road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec
17 - Microsoft
Windows Eliminator. If your car or
truck begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's
computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty
computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199
18 - Mirror Image
Flipper Film. Did you know that the
image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept
secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the
image. Now you'll be able to read signs
in the rear view mirror! $5 per square
BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME
solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone
to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
all," my son said.
"When would be
a good time?" she asked.
My son answered,
"Just as soon as I dig a basement.
An infantry brigade
was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive
tactics. That summer, the area had
experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes.
Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition each to
counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition
was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded
that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the
post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish,
but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the
box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed.
The plane is on its
way to Houston, when a blond in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First
Class section and sits down.
attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde, that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies,
“I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here.”
attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there
is a blonde sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back
to her seat.
The co-pilot goes
back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy,
she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies,
“I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells
the pilot that he probably should have the Police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says,
“You say she is a blonde?” I’ll hand
this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde. He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear.
She says, “Oh, I’m
sorry.” She gets up and goes back to
her seat in Economy.
attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move
without any fuss.
I told her, “First
Class isn’t going to Houston.”
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a
methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county
and he asked me a rhetorical question.
''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied, “I had a drug problem when I was young, I was
drug to church on Sunday morning. I was
drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the
weather. I was drug by my ears when I
was disrespectful to adults. I was also
drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a
bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the
preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked
of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink
to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter
word. I was drug out to pull weeds in
mom's garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends,
and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair
the clothesline, or chop some firewood and, if my mother had ever known that I
took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to
Those drugs are still in my veins, and they affect my
behavior in everything I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if
today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what criteria was used to define whether or not a patient should
"Well," said the Director, "We fill up
a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal
person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had
backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license
"What kind of car was he driving?" the husband
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from
At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning
course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name
each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every
About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression
on her face. "Darling," she
said. "I hit a Buick
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital
emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I took the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple
fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for
Bob's Expert Tree Service."
Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said,
"Cross out 'expert.'"
DOCTORS - WHAT THEY SAY / WHAT THEY MEAN
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Well, what do we have here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of
or I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be
“Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a
I don't know what it is.
Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are
I'm stalling for time.
Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I
can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“There is a lot of that going around."
That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.
A friend of mine
was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the
baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had.
I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against
hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
said. "I can understand that. But
can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a
boy," replied Dr. Wilson
Three men were
sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had
married a Woman from Iowa had told his wife that she was going to do dishes and
house cleaning. It took a couple days,
but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had
married a woman from Illinois. He had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. The first day he didn't see
any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had
married a girl from WYOMING. He told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough
to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
The supervisor of
my work section recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair.
He then went on to
extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man
look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a
haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
employed," was his answer.
A guy took his
blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their
After the game, he
asked her how
she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really
liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents."
date asked, "What do you mean?"
flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
like...Helloooooo? It's only 25
On our first day of
training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important
point. "Start preparing for
landing when you're at 300 feet."
One student asked,
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?
question. At 300 feet, you can
recognize the faces of people on the ground."
She thought about
this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I
The town of Glenelg, Maryland, is such a small community, I
was surprised that they had a community newspaper. I asked one old-timer about it.
He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing,
but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our
house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection
nearly every day to promote the sale.
We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and
asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally,
she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone." She looked him straight in the eye and
whispered, "We have monsters in our sewer."