I want to apologize to all of our readers!! Everyone knows there is nothing worse than someone telling a joke and forgetting the punch line. Last month the following joke did not have the last paragraph. We hope you enjoy it a little more this month.

PROPOSAL

There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

COURTESY

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them, in no uncertain terms, that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

POLICE HUMOR - WYOMING STATE TROOPERS - GOTTA LOVE 'EM!

In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down into the single digits or below. About 3 A.M. one very cold morning in March 2004, a state trooper responded to a call: there was a car off the shoulder of the road on the outskirts of Casper. He located the car, stuck in deep snow.

Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on the officer walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the officer tapped on the window.

Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked, jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. The officer, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man ordering him to "Pull Over!"

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Casper was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says policemen don't have a sense of humor?

BAR TIME

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

VOTIVE CANDLES

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.

"Do you have any questions?" she asked.

"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
11. And finally, if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

NUTRITIOUS EATING

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

VIP IMPRESSION

My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building

GIFT SUGGESTIONS

If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these gift suggestions should be considered.

1 - Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25

2 - Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12

3 - Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24

4 - Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 ea.

5 - Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50

6 - Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99

7 - Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99

8 - Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99

9 - Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99

10 - Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11 - Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12 - Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13 - Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24

14 - Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15 - Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16 - Momentum (required for tackling some off-road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50

17 - Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199

18 - Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.

BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement.

RATTLESNAKE AMMO

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition each to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed.

BLONDES

The plane is on its way to Houston, when a blond in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde, that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the Police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde?” I’ll hand this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde. He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear.

She says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” She gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First Class isn’t going to Houston.”

DRUG PROBLEM

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied, “I had a drug problem when I was young, I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins, and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

THE BATHTUB TEST

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria was used to define whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

CAR RECOGNITION

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.

"What kind of car was he driving?" the husband asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick

TIMBERRR!!!!!

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I took the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"

DOCTORS - WHAT THEY SAY / WHAT THEY MEAN

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Well, what do we have here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
or I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“There is a lot of that going around."
That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.

HOSPITAL INFORMATION

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson

NEW WIVES

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Iowa had told his wife that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from WYOMING. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

HAIRCUT

The supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair.

He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.

"Still employed," was his answer.

BLONDES?

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

PARACHUTING

On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet."

One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?

"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"?

COMMUNITY NEWSPAPER

The town of Glenelg, Maryland, is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community newspaper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."

OPEN HOUSE

A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.

One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.

"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone." She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have monsters in our sewer."