HELICOPTERS

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place... Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

 

COMPUTER CRASHED

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.

After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.

"Your hard drive crashed," he said.

I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."

"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"

"A student told me," I answered.

"We'll send someone over right away."


BLANK SLATE

A priest who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the front door of a school. It had been washed and put out to dry in the open air. There was a piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard. The priest took the chalk and wrote in large letters, "I'm a priest and I pray for you all."

A lawyer happened to pass next and when he saw what the priest had written, he added under it, "I'm a lawyer and I defend you all."

Then, a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk, and wrote on the blackboard, "I'm a doctor and I cure you all."

Finally, an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at what the others had written, thought for a few seconds and then added, "I am an ordinary citizen and I pay for you all."


ANESTHESIA

An oral surgeon was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim, a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the procedure. As the intravenous anesthesia was being administered, the doctor asked Jim how he was feeling.

"Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I feel like I'm in English class."


WHERE WOULD YOU BE

Where Would You Be:

if - you had all the money your heart desires?
if - you had no worries?
if - you came home and the finest meal is awaiting you?
if - your bathwater had been run?
if - you had the perfect kids?
if - your partner was awaiting you, with open arms and kisses?


So, Where Would You Be?


HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!


You'd Be In The Wrong House!!!


WONDER WHY?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window and loves it?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


LAWYER JOKES

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness.

Lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
Witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
Lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
Witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."


Steve and his wife were watching the idiot box when an ad for one of the local ambulance chasers came on. The guy made all kinds of claims about the size of awards he could get his clients.
Steve turned to his wife and said, "How can these guys look at themselves in the mirror?"
Without missing a beat she replied, "Easy. They don't cast a reflection."


A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope,” replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."


A story concerns itself with a wholesaler in New York who sent a letter to the postmaster of a small mid-western town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler's goods.
He got this reply: "Dear Sir, I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor.
In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay. And if I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just where you could stick your claim."


A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
"Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"


FREUDIAN SLIP

One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.

"Well," the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"

"No," said the other.

"Well," said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is at the least opportune time."

"Oh," said the second, "so, what happened?"

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?" asked the first.

"Yes?" said the second.

"Well that is what I meant to say,” but what I actually said was, “I now sentence you to death.”


HOSPITAL PARKING

The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for treatment of a painful knee injury, and decided to take advantage of the hospital's Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle.

"Yes," the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car."

"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."


CONTACTING THE IT HELP DESK

[A quick checklist for those who need to make contact.]

1-When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2-Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3-When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4-When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5-When IT support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6-When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7-Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8-When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9-When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support from work. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10-When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11-When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12-When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, be sure to argue. We love a good argument.

13-When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14-When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15-When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

MOTHER'S DICTIONARY

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."


CAREER PLACEMENT

A soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment. The sergeant said, "We have a critical shortage of typists, I'll give you a little test.” “Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8AM tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."


KIDNAPPED

Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the Officer's Club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.

When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home."


PILOT CRASH REPORTS

As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree. Then I lost control."


RANK EXPLANATION

My brother was home on leave from his post in Hawaii. He announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings, especially those of the Navy, asked him to explain what the promotion meant.

After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."

Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.


AT THE BORDER

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, the woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"

He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"


SOCCER IDENTITY?

My 3 year old son recently had his first soccer game. The team consisted of 3- and 4-year olds, many of whom our son did not know. We took plenty of pictures, and after the game we used the photos to help him learn the names of his new friends and coaches.

"Who is this?" I asked pointing at one little boy.

"That's my friend Mason" came the reply.

"That's right! And who is this?" I asked pointing at a little girl.

"I don't know," came the reply.

"That's Madison. And who is this?" I asked pointing at Madison's daddy, the coach.

"I don't know," came the reply.

"That's Coach Juan. And who is this?" I asked pointing at Mason's mommy, Paige, the assistant coach.

In a small tentative voice the reply came, "Coach Two?"


PROPOSAL

There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"


KISS GOODBYE

"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"

"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."


PUPPY LOVE

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.

"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."


UNSOLICITED ADVICE FOR 2007

20 Things to try to do in 2007

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. Buy a TIVO, tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement: My purpose is to___________ today.
5. Live with the 3 E's. Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.
6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2006.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, qigong or prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat fewer foods that are manufactured in plants.
11. Drink green tea & plenty of water and eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
12. Try to make at least 3 people smile each day.
13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let fresh, flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive, present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.
18. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished____________.
19. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
20. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World, and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life, so make the most of it and enjoy the journey.
We wish you all a blessed and healthy New Year.