THREE WISE WOMEN

You do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

CHRISTMAS PARTY MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.

No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. We're not trying to exclude anyone, honest! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that the party occurs during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up for a minute?

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

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FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

EVANGELIST REQUEST

During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"

The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

DOES THAT HURT?

We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Company. We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story...

It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?" After each probe, he replied, "No." When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, "That hurts!"

When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said, "You're kneeling on my fingers!"

HOW TO TRAIN A CAT

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

FAIRIES

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35^th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

“Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof – two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… so the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Husbands who are ungrateful should remember that fairies are female.

WIRELESS SECURITY SYSTEM

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this: "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

POSTPONED TEST

One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," I told him "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted.” "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

PIZZA DELIVERY

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.

"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.

"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for, a selection of heating pads designed for people with back pain .... all on the bottom shelf.

NOT TOO BRIGHT

A college friend of mine had a broken lamp which he want to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He didn’t remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

PIE MANNERS

In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.

This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

YOU MIGHT BE A GEEK IF….

· If your spouse hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.
· If you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
· If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
· If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
· If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
· If your idea of a “good read” is the Edmund Scientific Catalog.
· If you can’t fit any more colored pens in your shirt picket.
· If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
· If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car.
· If you favorite actor is R2-D2.
· If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
· If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of lights.
· If you drive a Gremlin with a “Beam Me Up Scotty” bumper sticker.
· If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
· If you are convinced you can build a laser out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment.
· If you can quote scenes from a Monty Python movie.
· If you spend more time on the Comdex floor than in the hospitality suites.
· If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
· If you own “Official Star Trek” anything.
· If you have ever debated who was a better: Captain Kirk or Captain Picard.
· If you favorite character on Gilligan’s Island was “The Professor”.
· If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what’s inside.
· If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
· If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid.
· If you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
· If you think Sales and Marketing are Satan’s children.
· If you have never backed-up your hard drive.
· If you aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
· If you have ever save the power cord from a broken appliance.
· If have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”.
· If you see a good design and still have to change it.
· If the sales people at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
· If you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
· If you think of gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
· If you disdain people who use low baud rates.
· If, when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
· If, on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
· If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
· If you are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts.
· If you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
· If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
· If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
· If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
· If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.
· If you have a habit of destroying thing in order to see how they work.

HENPECKED

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

“You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The husband takes the doctor’s advice.

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife’s face, and growls, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and layout my best clothes. Tonight, I’m going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who’s going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?”

His wife calmly says, “The undertaker.”

PROUD TO BE A SOUTHERNER

LOVE being Southern!

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

Only a southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”

Only a southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

Only a southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is – as in “Going to town, be back directly.”

Even Southerner babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in line. We don’t do “queues,” we do “lines”; and when we’re “in line,” we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as “y’all.”

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it – we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

And a true southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart” and you go your own way.

To those of you who’re still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southerness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya’ll need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I aint from the south but I got here as fast as I could.”

CAR PRIVILEGES

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

GEORGE AND HARRY

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George say, “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.”

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, “I still can’t tell where we are, let’s ask that guy on the ground.”

So, Harry yells down to the man, “Hey, could you tell us where we are?”

The man on the ground yells back, “You’re in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air.”

George turns to Harry and says, “That man must be a lawyer.”

Harry says, “How can you tell?”

“Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment.” For all I know you could start at any moment. “I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touch you”, says the game warden.

“That’s true but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

ROTC SUMMER CAMP

At ROTC (Reserve Officers' Training Corps) summer camp at an Air Force Base in Florida, we were nervous about our approaching survival training, for we would be pitching our tents in a snake-infested swamp.

Our instructor, advising us on the treatment of snakebites, explained that the venom of rattlesnakes, copperheads and water moccasins affected the circulatory system. Their bites were to be treated with tourniquets, incisions and suction. The poison of the coral snake, on the other hand, affected the nervous system. At this point he closed his manual.

"Sir," asked a cadet, "what do we do if a coral snake bites one of us?"

"Turn to page A1-7 in your manuals."

There was a flurry of activity as we flipped through the guides. When we looked up, our smiles were sickly. Page A1-7 consisted entirely of interdenominational prayers.

THINGS YOU OUGHT TO KNOW

You find out interesting things when you have kids, like:

· A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
· If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
· A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
· If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
· You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
· The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
· When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
· Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
· A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
· Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
· Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
· Super glue is forever.
· No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
· Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
· VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
· Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
· Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
· Always look in the oven before you turn it on, plastic toys do not like ovens.
· The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
· The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
· It will, however, make cats dizzy.
· Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
· 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
· 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

AUNT KAREN

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.

START YOUR WEEK WITH A SMILE

Sign In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
“Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary we hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
" Best place in town to take a leak.”

DO YOU KNOW ME?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"