ABSENT-MINDED LAWYERS

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"
Doctor: "That's correct."

Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"
Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."

Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"
Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."

Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"
Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially."

Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."
Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."

Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"
Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorraging in the chest area and that was the cause of death."

Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"
Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

AIRPLANE REPAIR LOGS

These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Discrepancy: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."

Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."
Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."

Discrepancy: Dead bugs on windshield.
Corrective Action: Live bugs on order.

Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Corrective Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Discrepancy: IFF inoperative.
Corrective Action: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Discrepancy: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Corrective Action: That's what they're there for.

SCREWING IN A LIGHT BULB

Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.

Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.

Q: How many Bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to design the web page about doing it.

Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One Hundred. One to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.

Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.

Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They sit in the dark.

Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just have a mark down sale and the burnt-out bulb is a feature.

Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.

Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it need changing?

Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do “you” think it takes?

Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of us.

Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".

Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.

ENGLISH LESSON

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.
(And this last could mean "gift" or "era of time ")

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

She could not live with a live mouse in the house.

It was just a minute prick and over in a minute.

His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.

We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.

There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.

"You should spring that on us next spring!"

KNOW YOUR MATH!

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

TAKING STEPS

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied. "BIG ones."

TELEMARKETER INTELLIGENCE QUIZ

My uncle just told us his latest response when telemarketers call to urge him to switch long distance phone services.

He says "I don't have a phone."

They usually say "Oh, I'm sorry." and hang up.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY...

Shortly after my husband and I settled in a rural part of Florida, a neighboring farmer gave us a piglet. Thrilled, we named our new pet Peggy and taught her several tricks.

A few weeks later we asked the farmer to take Peggy while we were on vacation. We left her happily playing with the other piglets, but when we returned, we realized all the piglets looked alike. We didn't think we'd ever be able to pick out Peggy.

Then my husband yelled, "Sit!" and one little pig sat down.

THUNDERSTORM

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE MODERN WORLD

1 - If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

2 - If your computer says "Printer out of paper", this problem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.

3 - If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it up to the water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

4 - No matter how much data you add to your laptop computer, it will not get any heavier.

5 - A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

6 - It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7 - When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do it immediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

8 - When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.

9 - The French version of the Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English web pages into French.

10 - If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for new orders....DON'T CALL BACK!

11 - If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows or Mac.

12 - You do not need your passport to get into New Mexico.

TODDLER LAWS OF OWNERSHIP

1 - If I like it, it's mine.

2 - If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3 - If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4 - If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5 - If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6 - If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7 - If it looks just like mine, it's mine

8 - If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9 - If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.

10. If I .............! ooops, WAIT! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan!

THE DANGERS OF BREAD

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice .....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's Disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please pass this message on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.

DEAD ARTISTS

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."