|
July 2006
[Download PDF for Printing]
 |
A-HIKING WE WILL GO.....
Last summer, my husband, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity,
he
passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods.
He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was
none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance.
He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to
our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied.
"In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."
WAITING FOR THE HOSTESS
The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess,
who was slightly delayed in another room.
The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would
keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles,
buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies
peered doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p - r - e - t -
t - y, is she?"
Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m - a - r - t and I can
s - p - e - l - l."
ACCIDENT REPORT
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where
I worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged
hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section
of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
WALKING HOME
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
ADMITTANCE TO HEAVEN
A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few
slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your
profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says
the Angel.
Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted
to enter. Now it is the third man's turn.
"My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did
you play?"
WANNA-BE MECHANIC
A man applies for a
job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat
down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put
it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the
boss.
AFTERNOON ROUNDS
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used
to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
WATCH YOUR STEP!
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the
back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
AIR MUSEUM
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18
fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what
the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various
controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities
to each visitor who gets in. When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he
seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma,
could I have a quarter?"
WATERGATE
A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D.C. The wife
was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still bugged?" The
husband says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha." Under
the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws and
throws the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?" "How was
the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?"
The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
AIRLINE SHUFFLE
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to
a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft
was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then
told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new
gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience
of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your
destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his
bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
A WEEK AT THE GYM
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the
local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess
team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called
and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic
I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived
at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with
blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse
after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so
high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did
my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole
time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had
me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights
on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked
on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming
was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair
"monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't
help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She
wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there
for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment
she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being
in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain
I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps.
Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents
in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse
to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back
into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked
the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife
will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
ANESTHESIOLOGY BILL
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished
to see a $1,200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an
explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor
on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1,200 dollars is
for bringing you back around."
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA - FINANCING IS AVAILABLE
An introduction to the new resident to California.
GEOGRAPHY AND PEOPLE
Distance: Before you can understand the geography of California you must understand
how we measure distance. There are no miles in California, only hours. Ask anyone
in this state how far a place is from where you are and they will give you the distance
in hours, not miles. To help new residents and Californians traveling to the east
coast, the Los Angeles Times periodically publishes tables for converting hours
to miles.
The state can be broken down into six distinct geographical areas:
Southern California - Southern California is the area bounded on the south by Mexico,
on the east by the Mojave Desert, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, and extends
to just north of Santa Barbara. The area includes Los Angeles and San Diego. There
is a common misconception that people actually live in the houses in Southern California.
This is not true. Southern California is actually the world's only moving condominium.
Central California - Central California is the sparsely populated refugee center
for Southern California that starts just north of Santa Barbara and extends to just
south of San Francisco. The area is bounded on the west by the Pacific Ocean and
the east by the Coast Range.
Northern California - Everything north of San Francisco. This is an area populated
by trees and people disguised as trees.
Central Valley - The largest valley in the United States. Bounded on the north by
Northern California, on the west by the Coast Range, on the east by the Sierra Nevada
Mountains, and on the south by the capital city of Oklahoma (Bakersfield). Probably
the richest farming area in the world, the Central Valley is the third most boring
place in the country. Iowa and Kansas had the first two places already taken.
Mojave Desert - This area lies east of Southern California and south of the Sierra
Nevada Mountains. It extends into Nevada, Arizona, and Mexico. It is hot, dry, and
inhospitable, but it is one of the great wonders of California. I must correct one
common myth. The Mojave was not created by Charleton Heston for El Cid. It was created
by Monte Hall for Let's Make a Deal.
Sierra Nevada - Humungous mountains along our eastern border.
LANGUAGE AND NAMES
California was originally settled by the Spanish. Spanish and Indian names are common
in all of California.
Port Hueneme - Pronounced "wy nee mee" locally, it is pronounced "hew en a ma" by
easterners. The eastern pronunciation actually is very close, since the word means
"high colonic" in Spanish.
Point Mugu - Originally a home for near-sited explorers.
Camarillo - Pronounced "cam a ree yo". Currently the location of a hospital for
the criminally insane, the name means "say what?" in Spanish.
Los Angeles - Literally "the angels". The name is derived from a local baseball
team.
San Diego - This is actually a mispronunciation of the Spanish words for a self-centered
beach worshiper.
Ojai - Pronounced "o hi" This is the first place the Spanish encountered local Indians.
Pismo Beach - Originally a convenience stop for the Spanish explorers.
Arroyo Grande - "Large creek" in Spanish. Named shortly after Pismo Beach.
Oceano - The "ocean" in Spanish. Named shortly after Arroyo Grande (there were a
lot of explorers).
Grover Beach - Settled by a guy named Grover who settled here knowing all about
Pismo Beach, Arroyo Grande, and Oceano. He spent his last days as a urologist.
San Francisco - Named for the patron saint of strange people.
WEATHER
California has four distinct seasons:
1. Summer – hot, earthquakes
2. Fall – wild fires, earthquakes.
3. Winter – rains, earthquakes.
4. Spring – mud slides, earthquakes.
FOOD
California has almost every style of food, but Mexican food must be explained. Mexican
food has three types - real Mexican food only for the purists, Mexican-American
food for most of us, and Taco Bell for the tourists. Real Mexican salsa has been
produced in large quantities recently since it has been found that it can be used
as both a food and a paint remover.
ARE YOU HIRING?
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?"
she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
ARGUMENT
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the
night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands
and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
AT THE BORDER
Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends
on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the
United States.
At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would
be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back
across the border?"
"Any time, Ma'am," the guard said. "We never close Canada."
WHAT HAPPENED?
There was a fire in my neighborhood, and I arrived just in time to see firefighters
carry one of their men out of the burning house and lower him to a sitting position
on the lawn.
Visibly shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit it, and sat there puffing on it to
calm his nerves.
"What happened to that poor guy?" I asked a bystander.
He replied, "Smoke inhalation
"M" IS FOR .....
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had
explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of
iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M'
and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front
row said, "You're a mother."
MAIL CALL
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters
from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling
my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked.
"Sir, no, sir!" I shouted.
"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI.
Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors,
sir!"
The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing.
MASS HYSTERIA
A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand,
included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass
hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles
at the local airport in the 1960's.
One
year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from
his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.
Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"
|