HARD LANDING

An airline pilot was telling about a particular flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

HEALTHY COMPETITION

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ... LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

HESITANT DRIVER

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway on-ramp.

The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says 'Yield,' not 'surrender!'"


HISTORY OF THE WORLD
(various lines culled from student papers)

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.

Eventually the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Miguel Cervantes wrote "Donkey Hote." John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. His name was John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booth's career.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827 and later died from this. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

HOT SHOT PILOT

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

I'M THE BOSS

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

INDIAN SCOUT

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground... "Large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint ... many, many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???"

"No, General," replied the Scout, "I can see under the gate."

ISP'S AND CABLE TV

TV stations are starting to provide INTERNET access, but could you imagine if INTERNET Service Providers were to provide CABLE?

All the most popular shows would just 'slow down' just because there were too many people watching it at once.

When you change channels, there'd be a 5 to 10 second wait with an hourglass on the screen while the next channel is connected. The more people watching a show, the longer the hourglass stays there.

There'd be a "back" button on the remote so you can take another look at what you just watched.

Sometimes your TV will complain it cannot "FIND" what you're looking for.

You'd be able to make your TV store the things you like, until it gets too full, then you'd have to delete a few things.

There'd be an arrow on the screen blocking the view, and you'd have to slide your remote control around on the coffee table just to change channels.

When you complain that you cannot connect your TV and get cable, or that the Hourglass is just staying on the screen all the time, they'd say: "Well, we’re busy now, that's the way it goes."
You'd be able to instantly be able to send messages to anyone else with a TV. The downside of that is that ADVERTISERS would be able to instantly send messages to everyone for free as well.

They would advertise, "All the TV you can watch for $20 a month!"

If you're having poor reception, the technical staff at the station would suggest trying to reconnect again, turning your TV OFF and then ON again, Blaming the problem on you, Getting you to re-program your TV, and then telling you that your TV just isn't good enough and to buy one ten times as fast for about $3,000.

New software for your TV will make it run slower and require hardware upgrades.

After about 1.5 years, your TV would be completely useless for watching, and you'd have to go out and buy another TV for about $2,500 dollars.

You'd have to hire a high school kid to help you set up and connect your TV.

They'd take one good COAX cable and split it up into 10,000 smaller slower cables, 1 to each customer.

If you have 2 TV's, you'd be able to connect them and have your own Network.

The NEWS would be only 5% relevant, full of ads, and messages from people sending, "me too" messages.

You could pay a lot for a TV now, or you could wait a few months for the price to go down.

I'VE GOT TO BE DEAD

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not," he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

NEW CAR

The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious.

While talking with friends after the service, my husband accidentally hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's horn blared and its lights flashed.

Watching my husband fumble with the button, his friend teased, "Wouldn't it have been in better taste to just put a few lines in the church bulletin?"

DANGLING PARTICIPLES

The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

CAT PETTING

We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.

One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had come up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.

JOB PERKS

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

NOT LIKELY.....

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

SCALE CONVENTION

At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."

TRANSLATION

A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out: "I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"

NON-PLUMBER'S HELPER

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

MEMORY LANE

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these. So, just for fun, pass it along to others of "a certain age."

I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: "FENDER SKIRTS".

A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

NO PROBLEM

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

GOOD QUESTION

Little Mary, four years old, had a headache and decided to deal with it herself, having watched her mother open the aspirin bottle in the past. She went to the bathroom, found the aspirin bottle but couldn’t open it. She took it to her mother, telling her that the bottle wouldn’t open. Her mother opened the bottle and explained to Mary that the bottle cap was ‘child proof’. Little Mary puzzled over this for a moment and then asked “How does it know it’s me?”

NAVAJO WOMAN

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, or glad you never married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband. "The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

JUST A FEW SHORT JOKES

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes" They were seated immediately.

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, " God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Thought for the week: "There are 3 kinds of liars: liars, damned liars, and statistics." Mark Twain

OFFICE WORK

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

...Oh I'm in trouble...

THE DANGERS OF BREAD

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice .....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please pass this message on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.

DEAD ARTISTS

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."