189 PIECES

A grandfather bought a hobbyhorse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

ON THE TARMAC…..

One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.

Suddenly an air traffic controller came over the public address system and announced loudly, “Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff.”

ONE CALL

The two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.

The sergeant said, “I suppose you’re the lawyer?”

“Nope,” the chap replied. “I’m just here to deliver their pizza.”

OPTIMIST, PESSIMIST, AND ENGINEER

The optimist: This glass is half full.

The pessimist: This glass is half empty.

The Engineer: This container is twice as large as it needs to be

ORDERING A PIZZA IN THE FUTURE

Thank you for calling Pizza Delivery. May I have your National ID number?

Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6402049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is Sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?

Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I’d like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family – sized ones then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never Mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a motorcycle?

Operator: It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Us: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^$%$@#

Operator: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 4, 2005, conviction for swearing at a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for swearing at a Judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Delivery

OVERBOOKED PLANE

We can’t verify this story, but it seems that aircrews are getting more resourceful about supplementing their incomes.

A man was sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight.

After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.

WHAT WERE THOSE THINGS?

As a computer technician, I had just finished a big push, and finally had a little slack time. So I decided to catch up on a small but long-overdue task: copying archived files from some old floppy disks to CD’s.

There were several dozen 5¼ inch disks piled up on my desk. I was busily working my way through these when the new, young IT student came up to me and put some object right down in the middle of my desk.

“Guess what this is?” the student asked.

I like interesting gadgets so I picked up one to look at it. It’s a heavy 4-inch cube, apparently made of solid metal, with a large rod sticking out one side.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Tell me.”

“It’s a neodymium magnet. The world’s most powerful magnet,” said the student. “It uses rare metals. Look, you can actually switch it on and off just by moving the rod, which combines the metals.”

Before I could say anything, the student moved the switch. The magnet stuck tight to the metal surface of the desk, which the student demonstrated by trying to pull it off the desk with both hands.

He finally got it loose. But by then I’m staring in horror. The monitor on my desk has turned all the colors of the rainbow due to him waving this big magnet about. I shouted at him to take it away from me!

But it was too late. Most of the old floppies were wiped out or badly corrupted.

The student had never seen 5¼ inch floppies before, so he didn’t realize what they were. It took me a month to recover as much as possible with a disk editor.

I did have a laugh, though. The student had also wiped all of the magnetic strips on his credit cards.

TRAVELING LIGHT?

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, “Why didn’t you bring the piano, too?”

“Are you trying to be funny?”

“No, I really wish you had” he sighed. “I left the tickets on it.”

PAINTING THE LIVING ROOM

I’d been hired to paint a woman’s living room, but every time I put a coat of paint on the walls, my client changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn’t right. So back to the paint store I went.

As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, “It seems like you’re painting faster.”

I replied, “No, the room’s actually gotten smaller.”

ALLERGIES

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”

The person asked, “Are you allergic to cats?”

The girl said, “I don’t know. I don’t eat cats.”

TOP TIPS FOR LIFE

Don’t waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks,” simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire, then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

Banging two pistachio nutshells together give the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

Ladies: If invited to a fancy garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.

Homeowners: Don’t hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.

White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad on the affected area.

Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.

COLLEGE LAUNDRY

My son was on 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holiday and didn’t return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. He was as surprised as I. “Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.

“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”

GET OUT MUCH?

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, “No, I also work … out of our home.”

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. “He was born at home,” I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, “Boy, you don’t get out much, do you?”

R.H.I.P.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

RIDING A HORSE

Son: Gee, Pop, there’s a man in the circus who jumps on a horse’s back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail, and finishes up on the horse’s neck!”

Father: That’s nothing, son. I did all that, and more, the first time I ever rode a horse!

ROAD CLOSED

They’ve closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:

ROAD CLOSED

But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is “really” closed.

After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:

TOLD YOU SO!

ROUND N’ ROUND

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchanged that took place . . .

Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?”

Cobra: “I don’t know, Tower. We ain’t done crashin’ yet!”

ROUTINE PHYSICAL

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“Oh, about 165.” He says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“Oh, about six feet,” he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5 feet 8¾ inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high.

“High!” The man explains, “Of course it’s high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky now, I’m short and fat!”

SEARCHING FOR WITNESSES

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

“Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” inquired the officer.

“Sir,” exclaimed the telephone lineman, “I was at the top of the pole.”

SECOND BID

This little not for profit organization is having problems with the air conditioning in its small computer room, reports a technician working there.

“It was routinely getting into the low 80’s.” he says. “We thought the air conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added a number of additional systems.”

So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 – a way too pricey neighborhood for this outfit.

“At non profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn’t be able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000,” says the technician. “However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close to that. So we brought in a competing vendor.”

The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor and tapes it over the thermostat. “No charge,” he says.

It turns out the air conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off.

The technician reported, “We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the cardboard box with something nicer -- and to buy dinner for the second vendor.

SECURITY QUESTIONS

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. “Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked.

I told him that my mother in law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He paused for a second, looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?”

SEEN THIS?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, “Oh no, have you seen this?”

“What?” he asked. “The wrinkles?”

SELLING SHOES

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

“Look, Martha,” he friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”

SENATE BILL

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

SENILITY PRAYER

For those of us who are getting a little older:

God grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

SGLI

Private Jones was assigned to the Army Induction Center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI) It wasn’t long before the Center’s Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. “If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6,000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

SHHHHH . . .

A woman, employed as a telemarketer, was making phone calls to different households.

A little boy answered and whispered, “Hello.” The woman asked if his mother was there. The little boy whispered, “Yes.” The woman asked if she could speak with her. The little boy whispered, “No, she’s busy.”

The woman asked if his father was there. The little boy whispered, “Yes.” The woman asked if she could speak with him. The little boy whispered, “No, he’s busy too.” The woman asked if anyone else was there and the little boy whispered, “Yes, the fire department is here.” The woman said, “May I speak with one of them?” The little boy whispered, “No, they’re all busy.”

The woman asked if anyone else was there, the little boy whispered, “Yes, the police department.” The woman said, “May I speak with one of them?” The little boy whispered, “No, they’re all busy too.” The woman said, “May I ask what they’re all doing?” The little boy whispered, “They’re all looking for me.”

SHIP SHAPE

My daughter, Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn’t believe the disorganization. “Why is everything in its place on your ship,” he asked, “but your house is such a mess?” Michelle replied, “My house doesn’t take 30-degree rolls.”

SKIING?

One needn’t actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing … just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here are 13 ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.

1 – Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you’d like, order an upset stomach, because that’s probably what you’ll get anyway.

2 – Visit your local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It’s not real skiing but it’s close

3 – Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray sandblast your face. You’ll almost believe you’re skiing in front of a snowmaking gun.

4 – Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.

5 – Wear a pair of ski boots everywhere – even in the shower. For the best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.

6 – At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag, and poles. Make believe you’re looking for your car.

7 – For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

8 – Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. This will save you from losing it later.

9 – Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $7.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

10 – Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd but don’t go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.

11 – To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive toss a Krugerrand onto the beach. Then try to find it.

12 – To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods – with your eyes closed.

13 – Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

SMALL TOWN EMERGENCY

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked. “Both!” was the reply.

“We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

SMALL TOWN

You know you live in a small town when…

The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.

The local phone book has only one yellow page.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the café, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.

You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.

No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

Everyone knows all the news before it’s published, they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

SPECIAL DAY

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”