NAMING THE SUSPECTS
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding
the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals.
"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the
goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."
NATIVE TONGUE
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I
assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke
only their native tongue including the ticket inspector on the train. He
punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill.
I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he
had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if
I spoke German.
"No", I confessed.
"Then that explains", she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that
you were on the wrong train."
NATURAL LAWS
The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
Barnes' Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is
going on. That person must be fired.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
Heller's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Osborne's Law
Variables won't, constants aren't.
Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite Government Program.
Berg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first
woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
NAVAL EFFICIENCY
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was
given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a
stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out
of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency had been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk
that he had set a new record for getting the destroyer under way. The ensign glowed
at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached
him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that is was a radio message, and he was even
more surprised when he read, My personal congratulations upon completing your underway
preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste,
however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules "Make Sure the Captain is
Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
NAVY WAY
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was
invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he
had to be back by 7 PM Sunday.
"You dont understand, sir", my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."
The officer replied, "No, YOU dont understand. You're in the Navy."
NEED A LIFT
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day
a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the
lift was.
"Go down the hill", I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the
block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke
up. "These folks are from England", he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
NEEDED TO BE PUSHED .
A few years ago the battery in my beat up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights
on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get
my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car,
a prehistoric oversized gas-guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start
it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed
to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.
She said "fine", hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about
30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with directions.
NEW DICTIONARY
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space shuttle program,
my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary
for him. The request form said, State reason this item is needed, so I asked him why
he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "the cover is falling off."
Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an imaginary aircraft." He got
his new dictionary.
NEW ELINGSH
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deo'snt mttaer in what oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the only iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer
is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can still raed it wouthit
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a
wlohe.
THE NEW HORSE
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horses trainer meets him before the race and say, All you have to remember with
this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ALLLLEEE OOOP!
really loudly in the horses ear. Providing you do that, youll be fine.
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainers
ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They
carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers Aleeee ooop in the horses ear. The same
thing happens the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third
hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE
OOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the
rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The
trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me its this bloody horse. What, is he deaf
or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? DEAF??? He's not deaf! He's BLIND!!!
NEW PERFUME
After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled
on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little
boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he
declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"
NEW SIGN
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit,
vegetables, and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one", she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared, "Local Honey,
Dates, Nuts."
ABATEMENT
"Flight 1234, the control tower advised, turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger", the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make
up here?"
"Sir," the radar operator replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when
it hits a 747?"
NEWSPAPER AD
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper, which appeared four days in a row,
the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask
for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY: Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying
telephone call because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The
ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves
with him."
THURSDAY: Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing Machine for sale. I smashed
it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
NORTHWEST UNITED STATES
You know you live in the Northwest U.S. if you:
Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
Know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture computer parts,
airplanes or athletic shoes.
Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
Return from a California vacation, depressed because "all the grass was dead."
Know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People and Starbucks.
Take a half-day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.
Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out
of power and phone service for every winter-weather event in the last five years.
Feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash instead of recycling
it.
Get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes the term "sun
breaks."
Are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country calls "coffee."
Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner's policy covers falling
trees, flooding, or mud slides or if the number of your favorite roofing company is
on your phone's "speed-dial" list.
Never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double
as flotation devices.
Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
Consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless
of elevation, it is a "hill" and not a "mountain."
Complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one for twice what
you paid for it.
Find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and refuse a reward.
Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
Used to live somewhere else.
Believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.
Believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in emergencies.
Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbrewries/brewpubs
printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.
Wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles like yours. Basically,
you just drive down the road waving.
Can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can't see them
through the clouds.
Think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.
Go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you only have an
eight-hour workday.
Find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your hiking boots with
Birkenstock or Teva sandals.
Believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or both.
You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green and the car in front
of you does not move. You do not honk. After two more light changes, you approach
the driver to ask if they need any assistance.
You look in your closet to get dressed and you are stumped on whether to put on your
fleece vest, fleece pants, or just go for the fleece jacket. Then you're stuck when
you decide for the jacket and are confused on which of your six colors you should
choose.
NO LONGER A KID
You may want to put mental check mark alongside those that apply to you, unless
it starts getting scary.
Signs that you are no longer a kid.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age . . . and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
(My Uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You can go bowling without drinking.
NOT A PROBLEM
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first
day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he
opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When
a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to
his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
NOT AT WORK
My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having
a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself
at work today."
NOT ME!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment, drove through
a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera went
off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another
flash. He did it again for the third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. So,
he made a note to himself to contact the traffic department and tell them that their
machine wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an envelope from the police
department containing three traffic citations, each of them were for NOT wearing a
seat belt.
NO TALKING
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other
for days.
Finally, on the third day, He asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
OILY HAIR
Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.
That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell
like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me, then replied, "Do I smell like Popeye?"
NEWSPAPER ERRORS
A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily
in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities
exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and
it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.
When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer
the misprint to the corrected version. Here are just a few samples:
1. Important Notice: If you are one of the hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts
who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page
8, line 7, the words state zip code: should have read pull rip cord.
2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation
day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation day.
3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago stating that Ed Burnham
entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
4. From a California Bar Association s newsletter: Correction the following
type appeared in our last bulletin: Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m. Please correct
to read "12 noon."
5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer
error, the chest measurement of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead
of the figures on the sale of soybeans to foreign countries.
6. In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified
as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.
7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our
Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include
meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners clothing
is rent, that is, torn , not rented.
9. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was
misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another fire fighter
is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not
Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how
this error occurred.
11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a
defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffmagle is, of
course, a detective on the police farce.
12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared
hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a
battle-scarred hero.
13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation
as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on the
front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out
the word "sheep."
15. In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno
peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe
should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
16. The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced
in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
OLD PHOTOS
Curious when I found two black and white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into
prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me,
taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation.
"It's my old Plymouth!"