ABSTRACT NOUN
“An abstract noun,” the teacher
said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me
an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied.
“My father’s new car.”
ACCENTS
About a year ago my sister, who
lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking
her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are
plugged up.
“They think we have an accent,”
she replied.
“But they have an accent, right?”
Brent asked. “They talk funny?”
“Everybody talks in different way”
she tried to explain. “To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our
words are d – r – a – w – n out.”
His eyes got big, and he whispered
seriously, “Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?”
THE ACCIDENT
My six-year-old grandson called
his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when
he threw a football in their living room.
“But, Mom,” he said, brightening,
“you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it
was irreplaceable.”
ACCIDENT REPORT
Because I was processing my first
accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly
attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the
highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood
was broken; however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, “Speed of
other vehicle?”
The driver had put, “Full gallop.”
ADMINISTRATIUM—SECOND BULLETIN
Note: The existence of
Administratium was announced in July 1997, and this is the follow-up.
Los Alamos,
New Mexico
Government scientists have previously
announced the discovery of a new
element, the heaviest element yet
isolated. The new name Administratium and
symbol Ad has been accepted by the
scientific community. Now the influence of morons and peons on the unique element
are more fully understood, as indicated below.
Administratium has no protons or
electrons, yielding an atomic number of 0.). It
does, however, have 1 neutron, 125
assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic
mass of 312. Theses 312 particles are held together by a moronic force field,
which is surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons.
Research at other laboratories indicates
that Administratium occurs most often in government agencies, large corporations,
universities and unmaintained buildings.
Administratium has a normal half
life of approximately three years although it does not decay. Instead it undergoes
a reorganization in which a portion of the
--assistant neutrons, vice neutrons,
and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, the mass of a sample of
Administratium will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some
of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion
leads some scientists to speculate that
Administrtium is formed whenever
morons reach a certain concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred
to as the “Critical Morass.”
Since Administratium has no electrons,
it is chemically inert. However, it can be detected since it impedes any reaction
with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium can delay
any reaction by a factor of a million or more. A reaction that would normally
take a second or two under the effects of trace quantities of Administratium can take
upwards of two weeks to complete.
Unnamed sources close to the announcement
assured the conference that, “You’ll know it when you see it.” There is some
suggestion that Administratium causes columns of “” symbols in emails.
ADVERTISING LINGO
Ever wonder what all those advertising
terms really mean?
NEW – Different color from previous
design.
ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable
with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.
UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the
competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision
for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising
agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job.
Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks
test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all
parts fit.
FUTURISTIC – No other reason why
it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed
– we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had
a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally
got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured
out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to
fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not
yours.
SOLID STATE –
heavy as heck.
HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work
long enough to ship it.
HAM DINNER
My wife and I were dining out at
a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their
bill.
“Well Mary,” said the man, “near
as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back
on the farm that’s worth at least $137,000.”
HAPPY EVER AFTER
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess,
“I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss
from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle
with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever
feel happy doing so.”
That night, while the princess dined
on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t think so.”
HEATED UP!
An engineer, a psychologist, and
a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the
temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across
an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the
locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission
to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked
and they entered.
It was a simple place … 2 rooms
with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about
the cabin except the stove. It was large pot-bellied, and made of cast- iron.
What was strange about it was its location, it was suspended in midair by wires attached
to the ceiling beams.
“Fascinating,” said the psychologist.
“It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this
stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.”
“Nonsense!” replied the engineer.
“The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he
has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
“With all due respect,” interrupted
the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning.
Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
The three debated the point for
several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned,
they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. “Had
plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”
HEBREW LESSON
At the Henry Street Hebrew School,
the Rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question
period.
“Rabbi?” asked little Melvin “there’s
something I need to know.”
“What’s that my child?” asked the
Rabbi.
“Well according to the Scriptures,
the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.”
“And the Children of Israel beat
up the Philistines, right?”
“Uh--right.”
“And the Children of Israel built
the Temple, right?”
“Again you are correct.”
“And the Children of Israel fought
the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel
were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is correct,” agreed the
Rabbi. “So what’s your question?”
“What I need to know is this,“ demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups
doing???
HELPING HAND
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying
to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small
and doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s
position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow
and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell
a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And
now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replies, “Now we run like Heck!”
HELPING HAND
On Coast Guard cutters, low ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping
the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on
the counter. Determined to finally rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate
icing and carefully decorated the cake with it.
Returning later, the cook began frantically looking around the galley then shouted
out, “Where did my cornbread go?”
A DAY AT THE RACES
A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his
head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man, using a
cane, and can’t walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile
sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the
Rabbi.
“I don’t think I would have been able to catch my hat,” said the Rabbi. “Thank
you very much.” The Rabbi then places his hand on the man’s shoulder and says,
“May God bless you.”
The young man thinks to himself, “I’ve been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my
lucky day!” So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there
is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes
in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and
this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home
to his wife. When she asks him where he’s been he explains how he caught the
Rabbi’s hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning
on horses that had a hat in their names.
”So where’s the money?” she asks.
“I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse name Chateau and lost.”
“You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.”
DEAR MR. JEFFERSON
Dear Mr. Jefferson,
We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly,
it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious
consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently
adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document
to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in
your process of revision:
1. In
your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God.”
What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your
central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In
the same paragraph you refer to the ‘opinion of mankind.’ Whose polling data
are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the ‘opinion of mankind’
is a matter of opinion.
3. You
hold certain truths to be ‘self-evident.’ Could you please elaborate?
If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate
the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. ‘Life,
Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness’ seem to be the goals of your proposal.
These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that ‘among these is the
ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least
55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference,
and to raise the average income of the colonist by 10 percent in the next 10 years,’
these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You
state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it
is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government….”
Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off
considerations?
6. Your
description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of
grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem
statement needs improvement.
7. Your
strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the
colonies ‘ought to be Free and Independent States,’ and that they are ‘Absolved from
All Allegiance to the British Crown.’ Who or what must change to achieve this
objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you
take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found
that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on.
How cost effective are your strategies?
8. Who
among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy?
Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute
the advisory committee? Please submit an organizational chart and vitas of the
principal of investigators.
9. You
must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s
War.
10. What impact will your problem
have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence
in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram,
an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.”
We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited
proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Signed,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
DEAR PASTOR
Letters to a pastor:
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely,
Arnold, Age 8
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all
week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete, Age 9
Dear Pastor, My Father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon
about something. Robert, Age 11
Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t
give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my
allowance? Love, Patty, Age 10
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every
week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette, Age 9
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t
be there. Stephen, Age 8
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to
Disneyland. Loreen, Age 9
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important
than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor, Age
12
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California
tomorrow. Laurie, Age 10
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than soon. Love, Ellen,
Age 9
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help
or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander, Age 10
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t
think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua, Age
10
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely,
Christopher, Age 9
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla, Age 10
Dear Pastor, I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph, Age 11
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people for the bad people? Do you tell
Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie, Age 9
DICTIONARY OF PROJECT TERMS
Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.
The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything
at all from us..
Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven’t started this job jet, but we’ve go to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
We don’t know where we’re going, but we’re moving.
Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
The dang thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned
The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties
We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.