November 2005

"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" was a favorite on the Saturday Night Live TV show. My personal favorite was "A day without sunshine is like night."  Well, a newspaper (don 't know which one) ran a contest where entrants, age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy." Here they are:

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth "that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally" but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old man smell.  Age 5

I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule does your parents give you before you go out to eat?", the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

The Top 15 Thanksgiving -Themed Movies

   15  To Kill A Walking Bird

   14  My Best Friend's Dressing

   13  Thighs Wide Shut

   12  The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

   11  Casserolablanca

   10  The Fabulous Baster Boys

     9  12 Hungry Men

     8  Silence of the Yams

     7  For Love of the Game Hen

     6  Know What You Ate Last Winter

     5  All the President's Menu

     4  White Meat Can't Jump

     3  When Harry Met Salad

     2  The Story of U.S.

and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Move?

     1  The Wing and I

Have a great holiday!!

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog

(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle

(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler

(Southern) Mean as a Rattlesnake Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Beagle

(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Yellow Lab

(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher

(Southern) Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Black Lab

(Southern) Duck fetchin Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound

(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois

(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red bones, etc

(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese

(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested

(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund

(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky

(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor

(Southern) What In The World Kinda Dawg Is That ?

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff

(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house

(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog

(Southern) Good fer nothin'  Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that s died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge.

(Southern) Best Danged Dawg I ever had.

DOGGY DICTIONARY

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards, the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them inside and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "Sit!" especially if your person is dressed for an evening out." This is incredibly effective before black tie events.

BUMP:" The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require especially effective when combined with The Sniff.  See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

A MONTAGE OF LAWYER JOKES

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day.  The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters.  The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade "Motel 6" type establishment.  The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.  The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter; "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."  St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?

A:  Professional Courtesy

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.  He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.  The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.  The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.  When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation.  In their place, they will use attorneys.  They have given three reasons for this decision:

One problem though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.  He asked "  The man then said, "Call for my layer."  When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other." The man then laid back and closed his eyes.  When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied, "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?

A: You can negotiate with terrorists.

Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.  He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are a horse's rear end.  One of the locals spoke

up on hearing this: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought that he was melting?

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?

A: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.

A: The vulture eventually lets go.

This is supposedly a true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty.  "I was on a panel for prospective jury duty.  The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.  When he came to this question, 'o any of you here today dislike lawyers?' we stiffened and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, 'I do.'"

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.  "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin."    "Sit down," said the judge.  "That is the prosecuting attorney."

First lawyer:  "You're an unmitigated liar."

Second lawyer:  "You're a lowdown cheat."

Judge:  "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed."

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6^th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey.  After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure.  Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"

There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.

Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our oven's broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the oven was hot she put in the cookies and came back to check on them ten minutes later.  When she pulled open the oven door, flames shot out and my sister shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.

Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of us out of the house.  The firefighters were over in a flash and they quickly hosed the oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke.  As one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and said, "Your daughter is cute. I would ask her out, but I only date women who can cook."

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.  For example:

Ziploc Bags - They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers - They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire - Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloon - Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

Sponges - Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

Hammer - Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control - Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One-day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door.  When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.  Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.  "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful!" I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me.  But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset.  I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf.  What could have gone wrong?"

He mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe.  You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," The bride sniffled.  "Well, it starts out, 'take fifty cents worth of ground beef..."

The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the public school system by parents of students:

  1  Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33.

  2 Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

  3 Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

  4 Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

  5 John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

  6 Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

  7 Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

  8 My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

  9 Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10 My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with
Marines.

11 Please excuse Joyce for P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12 Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13 Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset
stomach. Her sis was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14 Please excuse Blanche from jim today.

15 George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16 Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17 Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18 Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

Did you know who in 1923 was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. ***

CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF!

***Note: Based on the years mentioned in this piece, it appears to have been written around 1978. I visited several web sites devoted to the game of golf and found the following information:

Mr. Gene Sarazan, one of golf's greatest champions and one of sport's most enduring figures, passed away May 13, 1999 in Naples, Florida at the age of 97. He was born Eugenio Saraceni Feb 27, 1902, in Harrison, New York, the son of an immigrant carpenter from Italy.

One commentator said, "Mr. Sarazen is still strong and still playing an excellent game of golf. I just happen to believe he is doing it on a heavenly course."

There was a woman who spent some months serving at a religious mission in Kenya.  On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic.  As the Maasi women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.

She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would share it with friends when she arrived home.  With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"

Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks.  When they were old enough, our children began saying the meal prayer.  Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc.  They soon learned the more important things that should be included in the prayer.

At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over.  My nine year old wanted to say the prayer.  It went like this:

"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mash potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuffing even though I don't like it.  We just hope that You not let us choke on this food."

(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)

1. How long did the Hundred Year war last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Year War last?