Just What the Doctor Ordered - more great humor to get
you through the month!
"DEEP THOUGHTS" BY KIDS
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" was
a favorite on the Saturday Night Live TV show. My personal favorite was "A day without
sunshine is like night." Well, a newspaper (don 't know which one) ran a contest
where entrants, age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy." Here
My younger brother asked me what
happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat
our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth "that most of us go to Hell and
burn eternally" but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see
my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old man smell.
I once heard the voice of God. It
said "Vrrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11
I believe you should live each day
as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15
Whenever I start getting sad about
where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
Democracy is a beautiful thing,
except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age
Give me the strength to change the
things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
I bet living in a nudist colony
takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13
For centuries, people thought the
moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a
big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
The only stupid question is the
one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited
my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
If we could just get everyone to
close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet
it would be until the looting started. Age 15
A priest at a parochial school,
wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the
youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule does your parents give you before you go out to eat?", the priest inquired
of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
The Top 15 Thanksgiving -Themed Movies
15 To Kill A
14 My Best Friend's
Thighs Wide Shut
The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
The Fabulous Baster Boys
9 12 Hungry Men
8 Silence of the Yams
7 For Love of the Game Hen
6 Know What You Ate Last Winter
5 All the President's Menu
4 White Meat Can't Jump
When Harry Met Salad
2 The Story of U.S.
and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed
1 The Wing and I
Have a great holiday!!
YANKEE DOGS VS SOUTHERN DAWGS
(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
(Southern) Circus Dawg
(Southern) Mean as a Rattlesnake
Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg
(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg
(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches
(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin Dawg
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece
(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red bones, etc
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
(Southern) Mop Dawg
(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg
(Southern) Wienie Dawg
(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg
(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) What In The World Kinda
Dawg Is That ?
(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg
(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin'
(Yankee) Any dog that s died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge.
(Southern) Best Danged Dawg I ever
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where
you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or
the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly
you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor,
or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity.
You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you
do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume
and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To
get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly
and run alongside for a few yards, the person then swerves and falls into the bushes,
and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them inside and
they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running
in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly
calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers.
When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until
your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up
and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by
which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "Sit!" especially if your person is
dressed for an evening out." This is incredibly effective before black tie events.
BUMP:" The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup
of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the
attention you require especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The
best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will
love you in return.
DOING THE WASH
One day my housework-challenged
husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does
it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
A MONTAGE OF LAWYER JOKES
Following a distinguished legal
career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the
misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter,
who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar
to that found in a low-grade "Motel 6" type establishment. The lawyer was then
taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a
garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken
aback, and told St. Peter; "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how
the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over
a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
A: Professional Courtesy
An attorney passed on and found
himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained
to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The
attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he
would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The
attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on
deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he
would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was
willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be
heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
The National Institutes of Health
have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation.
In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons
for this decision:
There are now more attorneys than
there are rats.
The medical researchers don't become
as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
No matter how hard you try, there
are some things that rats won't do.
One problem though, is that no one
has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked " The
man then said, "Call for my layer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked
for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other."
The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several
minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied, "Jesus died with
a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
Q: What do you have when you bury
six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.
Q: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would
be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.
When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped
in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are a horse's
rear end. One of the locals spoke
up on hearing this: "Mister, watch
what you say. You're in horse country."
Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought that he was melting?
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A: Vultures can't take their wing
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
This is supposedly a true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during
her stint of jury duty. "I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The
first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When
he came to this question, 'o any of you here today dislike lawyers?' we stiffened
and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, 'I do.'"
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. "I
took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that
he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," said the judge. "That is
the prosecuting attorney."
First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar."
Second lawyer: "You're
a lowdown cheat."
Judge: "Now that the
lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed."
THANKSGIVING IN THE UK
A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving
on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the
"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of
"That's when you chaps left."
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how
to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described
the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find
out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?"
and hung up.
Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our oven's broiler, my sister,
19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the oven was hot she put in the cookies
and came back to check on them ten minutes later. When she pulled open the oven
door, flames shot out and my sister shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.
Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of us out of the
house. The firefighters were over in a flash and they quickly hosed the oven
down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke. As one of the
young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and said, "Your daughter is cute.
I would ask her out, but I only date women who can cook."
GENDER OF INANIMATE OBJECTS
You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example:
Ziploc Bags - They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them.
Copiers - They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them
up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but
can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tire - Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
Hot Air Balloon - Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire
under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
Sponges - Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on.
Subway - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
Hammer - Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's
handy to have around.
Remote Control - Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this - it gives
a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.
GET BACK IN THERE!
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent
to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One-day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away
on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left
alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to
walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there,
and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people
returned, the woman reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked
into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
GRANDMOTHER'S MEAT LOAF
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried
to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful!" I followed
the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave
me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this
to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone
He mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You
read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step and together we'll
figure it out."
"OK," The bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'take fifty cents worth of ground
The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the
public school system by parents of students:
1 Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and 33.
2 Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3 Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4 Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5 John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6 Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7 Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8 My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please
9 Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in
the growing part.
10 My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend
11 Please excuse Joyce for P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and
misplaced her hip.
12 Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13 Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache,
stomach. Her sis was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade
fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14 Please excuse Blanche from jim today.
15 George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16 Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17 Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18 Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
GOLF IS GOOD FOR YOU!
Did you know who in 1923 was:
President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock
Greatest wheat speculator?
President of the Bank of International
Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At
least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you
know what has become of these men?
The President of the largest steel
company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The President of the largest gas
company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard
Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur
Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The President of the Bank of International
Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee
Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan,
won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF!
***Note: Based on the years mentioned in this piece, it appears to have been written
around 1978. I visited several web sites devoted to the game of golf and found the
Mr. Gene Sarazan, one of golf's greatest champions and one of sport's most enduring
figures, passed away May 13, 1999 in Naples, Florida at the age of 97. He was born
Eugenio Saraceni Feb 27, 1902, in Harrison, New York, the son of an immigrant carpenter
One commentator said, "Mr. Sarazen is still strong and still playing an excellent
game of golf. I just happen to believe he is doing it on a heavenly course."
There was a woman who spent some months serving at a religious mission in Kenya. On
her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasi
women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly
She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would share it with
friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned
to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this
Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get
My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When
they were old enough, our children began saying the meal prayer. Of course at
first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more
important things that should be included in the prayer.
At Thanksgiving we had the whole
family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:
"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mash potatoes, the
red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuffing even though I don't like it. We just
hope that You not let us choke on this food."
(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
How long did the Hundred Year war
Which country makes Panama hats?
From which animal do we get catgut?
In which month do Russians celebrate
the October Revolution?
What is a camel's hair brush made
The Canary Islands in the Atlantic
are named after what animal?
What was King George VI's first
What color is a purple finch?
Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
How long did the Thirty Year War
years, from 1337 to 1453. 2. Ecuador. 3. From sheep and horses. 4.
November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria Island of the dogs. 7.
Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria
that no future king should ever be called Albert. 8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand. 10. thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
A MEAN MULE (a
(This was actually emailed to AristaTek's CEO from a good friend in Tennessee.)
This may be a first...
A couple from Montana were
out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera.
Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a Mountain Lion decided that
he wanted to stalk the dogs (you'll see the dogs in the background watching).
Very, very bad decision...
The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare
away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged in and decided
he wanted a piece of those dogs. With that, the mule took off and decided he wanted
a piece of that lion. That's when all hell broke loose... for the lion.
As the lion approached the dogs the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling
him around, banging its head on the ground on every pass. Then he dropped it, stomped
on it and held it to the ground by the throat. The mule then got down on his
knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead,
than whipped it into the air again, walked back over to the couple (that were stunned
in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride... as if nothing had
Fortunately even though the hunter didn't get off a shot, his wife got off these 4...