Just What the Doctor Ordered - more great humor to get you through
LETTER FROM CAMP
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here
at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you
saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags
got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain
looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chads mother
and tell her he is OK. He cant write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of
the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark
if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on
a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during
the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas
on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our
tents did. And some of our clothes too. John is going to look weird until his hair
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster
Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK
when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old, you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat
car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride
on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy.
Dont worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he
only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isnt any traffic. All we ever
see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were
diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldnt let me
because I cant swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let
us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees
under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isnt crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didnt even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot time working
on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all
passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we
got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning
from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into
town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
P.S. How long has it been since
I had a tetanus shot?
Today's question: what
in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson:
On a cool dry day, scuff you feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friends
mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched
violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful
force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important
lesson about electricity.
It also illustrates how an electrical
circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked batches of electrons, which
are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will
attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
where they form a spark that leaps to your friends filling, then travels down to his
feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
If you scuffed your feet long enough
without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would
explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend
to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago
people did not have any of these things, which is just a well because there was no
place to plug them in.
Then along came the first Electrical
Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets,
but it also damaged Franklins brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible
maxims, such as, A penny saved is a penny earned. Eventually he had to be given a
job running the post office.
After Franklin came other Electrical
Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when
he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
developed and frogs leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog,
which was dead anyway. Galvanis discovery let to enormous advances in the field of
amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
hop back into the pond. However, water is a great conductor of electricity and the
frog is immediately electrocuted.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer
of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that
he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edisons first major invention
in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes,
where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edisons greatest
achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edisons design was
a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately get the electricity back
through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the
This means that an electric company
can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never
get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact, the last year any electricity was generated was 1937.
Today, thanks to men like
Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvanis, we receive almost unlimited benefits
from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser,
an electronic appliances so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away,
yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operation to the human
eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from Bulldozer to Eyeball.
SAVING US FROM OURSELVES
Last year, Vermont ran a trade-in
program. Bring us your old, your poor, your outmoded mercury laden thermometers: the
state advertised, and we will give you a FREE digital thermometer in exchange. The
state was worried that someone would drop a mercury unit and poison the environment
or bite the end off one and be poisoned personally. I
want it noted for the record that I had never broken a mercury thermometer until I
dropped ours on the way to the pharmacy to exchange it. We now have a brand new digital
fever thermometer with a lifetime guarantee (what, theyre going to give me my money
back?), a soft and flexible tip for added comfort, a built-in beeper, and a fast,
easy to read display. The package also included the following label:
This digital fever thermometer contains a replaceable button battery which should
last for many years. Button batteries contain a very small amount of mercury . . .
A New York family bought a ranch
out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the
ranch had a name.
Well, said the would be cattleman.
I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W,
and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, were calling it the Bar-J- Suzy-Q- Flying-W-
But where are all your cattle?
So far, none have survived the branding.
A Pastor went to his church office
on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to
the health department. They said since there was no immediate health threat that he
should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.
Now the pastor knew the mayor and
was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to
deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He
immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, Why did you call
me any way? Isnt it your job to bury the dead?
The pastor paused for a brief prayer
and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!
DONT LOOK BEHIND YOU
A new employee calls the Help Desk
to complain that theres something wrong with her password. No, its not the usual caps-lock
The problem is that whenever I type
the password, it just shows stars, she says.
Those asterisks are to protect you,
the Help Desk technician explains, so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldnt
be able to read your password.
Yeah she said, but they show up
even when there is no one standing behind me.
TRUE OR FALSE
Guess which of the following
statements are the True or False?
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient
at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock did not have a
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately
2 teeth every 10 years.
People do not get sick from cold
weather; its from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions
stop, even your heart!
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital
for dog bites every minute.
Babies are born without kneecaps.
They dont appear until they are 2-6 years old.
The average person over fifty will
have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by
toilets each year.
A wire hanger is 44 inches long
The average computer user blinks
7 times a minute.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon
that the rest of the day.
Most of us have eaten a spider in
The REAL reason an ostrich sticks
its head in the sand is to search for water.
The only 2 animals that can see
behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
John Travolta turned down the starring
roles in An Officer and a Gentleman and Tootsie.
Michael Jackson owns the rights
to the South Carolina State anthem.
In most television commercials advertising
milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William
NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle
built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
Most hospitals make money be selling
the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess
Diana. They were 7th cousins.
If coloring werent added to Coca-Cola,
it would be green.
ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE.
Dont you just love number
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
Hello! You have reached the automated
answering service of your childs school. In order to assist you in connecting to the
right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent,
To make excuses for why your child
did not do his/her work, Press 2.
To complain about what we do, Press
To verbally abuse our staff members,
To ask why you did not get needed
information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed
to you, Press 5.
If you want us to raise you child,
If you want to reach out and touch,
slap or hit someone, Press 7.
To request another teacher for the
third time this year, Press 8.
To complain about bus transportation,
To complain about school lunches,
If you realize that this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible
for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it is not the teachers fault
for your childs lack of effort, please hang up and have a nice day!!
AMUSING BUMPER STICKERS
Lottery: A tax on people who are
bad at math.
Make it idiot-proof and someone
will make a better idiot.
least our cows are sane!
Never do card tricks for the group
you play poker with.
No radio Already stolen.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is
what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that
someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff
is made of.
Reality is a crutch for people who
cant handle drugs.
Reality? Is that where the pizza
delivery guy comes from?
Real women dont have hot flashes,
they have power surges.
Rehab is for quitters.
Some people are only alive because
it is illegal to kill.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other
times I let him sleep.
Sorry, I dont date outside my species.
SUPPORT BINGO keep Grandma off the
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers
Tell me to stuff it Im a taxidermist.
The colder the x-ray table, the
more of your body is required on it.
The gene pool could use a little
The hardness of the butter is proportional
to the softness of the bread.
The more people I meet, the more
I like my dog.
The problem with the gene pool is
that there is no lifeguard.
The severity of the itch is proportional
to the reach.
There are 3 kinds of people: Those
who can count and those who cant.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately
it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from
happening at once.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer
than they appear.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
We have enough youth, how about
a fountain of Smart?
When everythings coming your way,
youre in the wrong lane.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt
in case heaven is like the IRS.
Where theres a will, I want to be
Why is abbreviation such a long
Women who seek to be equal to men
Work is for people who dont know
how to fish.
Your kid may be an honors student,
but youre still an idiot.
A CHILDS VIEW OF RELIGION & GOD
A little boy was attending his first
wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry? "
"Sixteen", the boy responded. His
cousin was amazed that he had any answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy", the little boy said. "All
you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4
After a church service on Sunday
Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become
a minister when I grow up."
"Thats okay with us, but what made
you decide that?"
"Well", said the little boy,
"I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand
and yell, than to sit and listen."
A six year old was overheard reciting
the Lords Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive
those who passed trash against us."
A boy was watching his father, a
pastor, write a sermon. "How
do you know what to say?", he asked.
"Why, God tells me. "
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing
A little girl became restless as
the preachers sermon dragged on and on. Finally,
she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him money now, will
he let us go?"
After the christening of his baby
brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That
preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with
Terri asked her Sunday School
class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyles picture,
which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant
to represent. "The Flight To Egypt", was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri
said, "That must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus, but who is the fourth person?"
"Oh, thats Pontius-the-pilot."
The Sunday School teacher
asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir", little Johnny replies, "I dont have to. My mom is a good cook?"
A college drama group presented
a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend
into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring,
and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When
the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took
his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!", the stagehand pulled
the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of
tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped
up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After
a worship service at the First Baptist church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with
a fidgety seven year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and
be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, If you
dont be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his
sermon all over again!
It worked. "
A little girl was sitting on her
grandfathers lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take
her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately
stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make
"Yes, sweetheart", he answered,
"God made me a long time ago."
"Oh", she paused, "Grandpa,
did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey", he
said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective
faces again, she observed, "God's getting better, isnt he?"
WE ARE BUT DUST.
A visiting minister was assisting
at our local church service. During the offertory prayer, the following happened:
Dear Lord, he began with arms extended
and a rapturous look on his upturned face, without you we are but dust -
He would have continued, but at
that moment one little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite loudly, mommy,
"WHAT is butt dust?"
The service was pretty much over
at that point.
HISTORY OF THE WORLD (various
lines culled from student papers)
Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brothers birthmark. One of Jacobs sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called
mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was
a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists, Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 500 wives
and 500 porcupines.
The Greeks invented three kinds
of columns Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an over dose of wedlock.
Eventually the Ramones conquered
the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.
In the Middle Ages, King Harlod
mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George
Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for
the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
In the Renaissance, Martin Luther
was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
The painter Donatellos interest
in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the
Bible. Sire Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Frances Drake circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered American while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were
the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.
One of the causes of the revolutionary
War was that the English put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity
by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincolns mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation.
In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. His name was John Wilkes
Booth. This ruined Booths career.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton.
It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach and Handel were famous composer.
Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired
in 1827 and later died from this. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx
became one of the Marx Brothers.