ABSTRACT NOUN
“An
abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t
touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a
teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
ACCENTS
About a
year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old
son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk
funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
“They think
we have an accent,” she replied.
“But they
have an accent, right?” Brent asked. “They talk funny?”
“Everybody
talks in different way” she tried to explain. “To them, we sound like we talk
very slow and all our words are d – r – a – w – n out.”
His eyes
got big, and he whispered seriously, “Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?”
THE ACCIDENT
My
six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and
confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
“But, Mom,”
he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one.
Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”
ACCIDENT REPORT
Because I
was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I
worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver
had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and
fender. My serious mood was broken; however, when I reached the section of the
report that asked, “Speed of other vehicle?”
The driver
had put, “Full gallop.”
ADMINISTRATIUM—SECOND BULLETIN
Note: The existence of Administratium was announced in July
1997, and this is the follow-up.
Los Alamos, New Mexico
Government
scientists have previously announced the discovery of a new
element,
the heaviest element yet isolated. The new name Administratium and
symbol Ad
has been accepted by the scientific community. Now the influence of morons and
peons on the unique element are more fully understood, as indicated below.
Administratium
has no protons or electrons, yielding an atomic number of 0.). It
does,
however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111
assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. Theses 312 particles are
held together by a moronic force field, which is surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton like particles called peons.
Research at
other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs most often in
government agencies, large corporations, universities and unmaintained
buildings.
Administratium
has a normal half life of approximately three years although it does not decay.
Instead it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
--assistant
neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact,
the mass of a sample of Administratium will actually increase over time, since
with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming
new isotopes.
This
characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that
Administrtium
is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This
hypothetical
quantity is referred to as the “Critical Morass.”
Since
Administratium has no electrons, it is chemically inert. However, it can be
detected since it impedes any reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Administratium can delay any reaction by a factor of a million
or more. A reaction that would normally take a second or two under the effects
of trace quantities of Administratium can take upwards of two weeks to
complete.
Unnamed
sources close to the announcement assured the conference that, “You’ll know it
when you see it.” There is some suggestion that Administratium causes columns
of “” symbols in emails.
ADVERTISING LINGO
Ever
wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?
NEW –
Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW –
Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE –
Imported product.
UNMATCHED –
Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF
OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED
DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE
AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD
TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH
ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC
– No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED
– Previous flaws fixed – we hope.
DIRECT
SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF
DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH
– We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE
FREE – Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL
STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.
SOLID STATE – heavy as heck.
HIGH
RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.
HAM DINNER
My wife and
I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next
table discussing their bill.
“Well
Mary,” said the man, “near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham
dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that’s worth at least
$137,000.”
HAPPY EVER AFTER
Once upon a
time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a
pond. The frog said to the princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can
prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so.”
That night,
while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t
think so.”
HEATED UP!
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of
northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was
upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The
hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they
knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks,
but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered.
It was a simple place … 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment.
Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large
pot-bellied, and made of cast- iron. What was strange about it was its
location, it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
“Fascinating,”
said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from
humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and
vicariously experience a return to the womb.”
“Nonsense!”
replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By
elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly
throughout the cabin.”
“With all
due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from
the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol
for centuries.”
The three
debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the
trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy
potbellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer
was succinct. “Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”
HEBREW LESSON
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the
usual question period.
“Rabbi?”
asked little Melvin “there’s something I need to know.”
“What’s
that my child?” asked the Rabbi.
“Well
according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.”
“And the
Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“Uh--right.”
“And the
Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you
are correct.”
“And the
Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the
Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important,
right?”
“All that
is correct,” agreed the Rabbi. “So what’s your question?”
“What I need to know is this,“ demanded Melvin. “What
were all the grown-ups doing???
HELPING HAND
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices
a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street,
walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replies, “Now we run like Heck!”
HELPING HAND
On Coast Guard cutters, low ranking crew members take turns
in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always
dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he
noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on the counter. Determined
to finally rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully
decorated the cake with it.
Returning later, the cook began frantically looking around
the galley then shouted out, “Where did my cornbread go?”
A DAY AT THE RACES
A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of
wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street,
but he is an old man, using a cane, and can’t walk fast enough to catch the
hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over
to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.
“I don’t think I would have been able to catch my hat,” said
the Rabbi. “Thank you very much.” The Rabbi then places his hand on
the man’s shoulder and says, “May God bless you.”
The young man thinks to himself, “I’ve been blessed by the
Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!” So he goes to the Racetrack and in the
first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50
and sure enough the horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1,
so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end
of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he’s been
he explains how he caught the Rabbi’s hat and was blessed by him and then went
to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
”So where’s the money?” she asks.
“I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse
name Chateau and lost.”
“You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “the winner was some Japanese
horse named Yarmulka.”
DEAR MR. JEFFERSON
Dear Mr. Jefferson,
We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great
interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many
of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the
Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for
proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further
refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process
of revision:
1. In
your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and Nature’s
God.” What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on
which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations
from the recent literature.
2. In
the same paragraph you refer to the ‘opinion of mankind.’ Whose polling
data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the
‘opinion of mankind’ is a matter of opinion.
3. You
hold certain truths to be ‘self-evident.’ Could you please
elaborate? If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. ‘Life,
Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness’ seem to be the goals of your
proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that
‘among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the
13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to
print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the
colonist by 10 percent in the next 10 years,’ these could be measurable
goals. Please clarify.
5. You
state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends,
it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new
Government….” Have you weighed this assertion against all the
alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your
description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long
list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it.
Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your
strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that
the colonies ‘ought to be Free and Independent States,’ and that they are
‘Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.’ Who or what must
change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change?
What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long
will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps
to prevent careless errors later on. How cost effective are your
strategies?
8. Who
among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your
strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical
research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit
an organizational chart and vitas of the principal of investigators.
9. You
must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since
Queen Anne’s War.
10. What
impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of
this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your
undertaking.
11. Please
submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower
utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove
useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the
submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited
proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be
required.
Signed,
Management Analyst to the British
Crown
DEAR PASTOR
Letters to a pastor:
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my
sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold, Age 8
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson
has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete,
Age 9
Dear Pastor, My Father should be a minister. Every day
he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11
Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the
plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you
have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty, Age 10
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to
play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,
Annette, Age 9
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I
know my brother won’t be there. Stephen, Age 8
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen, Age 9
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my
allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor, Age 12
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I
am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie, Age 10
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
soon. Love, Ellen, Age 9
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League
team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander,
Age 10
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten
Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules
already in my house. Joshua, Age 10
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for
God? Sincerely, Christopher, Age 9
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think
there may be one in my class. Carla, Age 10
Dear Pastor, I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially
when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people for the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie, Age 9
DICTIONARY OF PROJECT TERMS
Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen
difficulties
We are working on something else.
The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer
was happy to get anything at all from us..
Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven’t started this job jet, but we’ve go
to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
We don’t know where we’re going, but we’re
moving.
Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the
problem
We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them
kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
The dang thing blew up when we threw the
switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned
The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor
difficulties
We threw the whole thing out and are starting
from scratch.