REAL PRODUCTS - REAL LABELS
On a lawnmower:
"Warning: When motor is running - the blade is
turning!"
Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
"Do not open here."
On a bottle of spray paint:
"Do not spray in your face."
On a bottle of bathtub cleaner:
“For best results, start with a clean bathtub before
use."
On a can of powdered infant formula:
"Mix with water before serving."
Found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner:
"Safe for carpets, too!"
Warning on a curling iron:
"Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily
Orifice."
On a plastic orange juice can:
"100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice
from concentrate."
On the label of a Sterno candle fuel:
"Do not use near fire or flame."
Seen on a container of salt:
"Warning: High in sodium.
On a baby stroller:
"Remove child before folding."
DOCTOR! DOCTOR!
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says,
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an
intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his
prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting
him?"
Didn't you say he was 13?"
BEST ABOUT ME?
I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me.
"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather,
is it my astounding intellect?"
She replied, "Oh, it's your sense of humor,
dear."
CAKE QUESTION
While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who
was full of questions about the flavors and types available, pick out an
ice-cream cake.
As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question:
"How long do I bake this?"
DIMINUTIVE
Frustrated at my attempts to find something suitable for
my diminutive daughter to wear that didn't look like something for a child, I
approached a rather harried-looking saleswoman.
"What do you have for a petite woman about five feet
tall, around 95 to 100 pounds?" I asked.
The short, pleasantly plump clerk looked at me with a
rueful smile. "Nothing but contempt," she said.
SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE
A husband and wife were getting ready for bed. The wife
is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know, dear,” she says “I look in the mirror, and I
see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, “I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are flabby.” She turns to her
husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about
myself.
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then
says in soft, thoughtful voice, “Well there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at
10:30 at St. Anselm’s Memorial chapel.
WAR AND PEACE
The teacher had just finished a dissertation on war and
peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed
to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up.
The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for
being opposed to war?"
Tony raised his hand.
"Tony?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Tony said, "because wars
make history, and then some poor, innocent kid has to memorize it all."
THE SPEAKER
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a
bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm
sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a
calendar behind you."
TRUTH
"You seem to have more than the average share of
intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a
witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the
compliment," replied the witness.
FOOTBALL POOL
Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won one
million dollars on the football pools. Her family was extremely worried about
her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a
shock for her.
"I think we had better call in the doctor to tell
her the news," suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained
to him.
"Now, you don't have to worry about anything,"
said the doctor. "I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel
sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no
need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to
me."
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually
brought the conversation around to football pools.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "what would
you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million dollars?"
"Why," replied the old lady, "I'd give
half of it to you, of course."
The doctor fell down dead from shock.
ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR
An absent-minded professor was on board a train and he
was unable to find his ticket.
The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find
it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't
find the ticket.
The conductor said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket.
Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said,
"but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
A SOLDIER, A MARINE, AND AN AIRMAN
A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about
which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other.
Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St.
Peter walk by and ask,” which Branch of Service is the best?
St. Peter replied, I can’t answer that, but, I will ask
God what He thinks the next time I see Him.
Sometime later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him
if he was able to find the answer.
Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter’s shoulder. The
dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it
out loud to the three fellows: Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are
Honorable and Noble. Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud
of that.
(signed)
GOD, USN (Ret.)
THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY!
In New York City last week a taxi clipped a red Beetle
while veering across four lanes of traffic to pick-up a fare. The two drivers
got out to examine the damage the cabbie who was a short man, of Middle Eastern
origin, had done.
The Beetle driver was a giant of a hulking man.
As the cabbie approached, the Beetle driver grabbed him
by the shirt and hoisted him off the ground. There, at eye level with the
cabbie’s feet dangling in the air, the Beetle owner began screaming, every
third sentence being, “This is your lucky day!”
Eventually, the cabbie was lowered back to terra firma,
but, then, the Beetle guy asked, “Don’t you want to know why this is your lucky
day?” He then proceeded to answer his own question.
“Because I’m on my way to anger management class and I
don’t dare show-up with blood on my shirt!”
SENILITY PRAYER
For those of us who are getting a little older:
God grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.
THE
IMPORTANCE OF WALKING
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60,
now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could
hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures
out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks, haven't
lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth
out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die,
they'll say, “'Well, she looks good doesn't she.”
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a
small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just
getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot
more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I
just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
HOW TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE
1 - Split dead limb into fragments
and shave one fragment into slivers.
2 - Bandage left thumb.
3 - Chop other fragments into
smaller fragments.
4 - Bandage left foot.
5 - Make a structure of slivers
(including those embedded in the hand).
6 - Light match.
7 - Repeat "A Scout is
cheerful" and light match.
8 - Apply match to slivers, add
wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
9 - Apply burn ointment to nose.
10 - When fire is burning, collect
more wood.
11 - When fire is burning well,
add all remaining firewood.
12 - After thunderstorm has
passed, repeat the above steps.
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