THE PRIEST'S COLLAR
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial
school near the pre-school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on
the way to the cafeteria.
One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at
him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests
wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and
asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the
collar tab looked like a Band Aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to
the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name
of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,
"Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to
read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up
to six months!"
COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955!
I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00
Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t
be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.
If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous.
Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a
dime just to mail a letter.
If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able
to hire outside help at the store.
When I first started driving, who would have thought gas
would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car
in the garage.
I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever
since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in “Gone With the Wind.” It seems
every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s
possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have
some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.
Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if
someday they’ll be making more than the President.
I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a
few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to
hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.
Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Congress.
The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
There is no sense in going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the
hospital it’s too rich for my blood.
If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it.
WIGGINS
Short and baby-faced, my buddy Wiggins had trouble being
taken seriously in the Army. A mustache, he assumed, would fix that. He was
wrong.
"Wiggins!" bellowed our drill instructor after
spotting the growth during inspection. "What's so special about your nose
that it's got to be underlined?"
OLD VETERAN
When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my
patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I
understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II
veteran, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he'd be eligible for
benefits.
The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from
the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."
THE NECKLACE
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that
they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an
oyster."
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But
it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny
going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're
going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid
song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
LAWYERS
As a potential juror in an
assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions
from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: “Had
I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?”
The defense attorney took a
different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said.
"What do you teach?"
"English and theater,"
I responded.
"Then I guess I better
watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You
better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the
courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
COMPUTER NERDS
Over the years I have heard my share of strange questions
and silly comments from people who call the computer software company where I
work as a tech support telephone operator. But one day I realized how absurd
things can sound on the other end of the line when I heard myself say to one
caller, "Yes, sir, you must first upgrade your download software in order
to download our upgrade software."
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly
man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who
asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but
some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher
said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer
will be along when one is available."
George said,
"Okay."
He hung up the phone and
counted to 30. Then he phoned the police
again.
"Hello, I just called
you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well,
you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he
hung up.
Within five minutes, six
Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an
Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to
George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought
you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people Live well, laugh often,
love much!!!
THE
BROKEN LAWN MOWER
Marriage is a
relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the
husband.
When our lawn mower
broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always
had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing,
always something more important to me.
Finally she thought
of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her
seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few
minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish
cutting the grass,' I said, 'You might as well sweep the driveway.'
The
doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.
A GREAT WAY TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET!!!
Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy
too!!!!
1 - Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple
of capfuls of shampoo to the water.
2 - Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick
it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
3 - In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will
self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the
toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4 - Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides
a “power-wash” and “rinse”)
5 - Have someone open the closest door to the outside. (Be
sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)
6 - Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.
7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside
where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat
will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely,
The Dog
CAR GPS
Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first
trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the
car unattended, I brought it with me into the store.
While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated,
"Lost satellite contact."
I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your
ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."
MOM’S LETTER TO SANTA
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and
cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my
doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree
on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my
daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll
find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of
chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler
out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I
lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd
like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking
animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where
I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter
doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along
with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could
also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living
room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by
the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the
hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in
three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the
In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd
settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning,
or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few
Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much
trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to
help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of
an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking
downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my
son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come
in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on
the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours always.....
Mom
PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if
you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.
SANTA’S LAP
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa
asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child
stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped:
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"
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