JARGON OF THE 90’S

ALPHA GEEK – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.  “Ask Larry, he’s the alpha geek around here.”

BEEPILEPSY - the brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode).  Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

CHIPS AND SALSA – Chips = hardware, salsa = software.  “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa”.

CRAPPLET – A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet.  “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading stinkin’ crapplet!”

DANCING BALONEY – Little animated GIFs and Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients.  “This page is kinda dull.  Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

DEPOTPHOBIA – Fear associated with entering Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.  Electronics geeks experience SHACKOPHOBIA.

FLIGHT RISK – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

404 – Someone who’s clueless.  From the World Wide Web error message ‘404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.  “Don’t bother asking him. . .he’s 404.”

GENERICA – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is.  “We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.”

IRRITAINMENT – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.  The O.J. trial was a prime example.

KEYBOARD PLAQUE – The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

OHNOSECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.  Seen in Elizabeth P. Crowe’s book “The Electronic Traveler.”  (Like when you type re –RF *, and realize you are in /, and not in the directory you thought you were in.).

PEBCAK – Tech support shorthand for “Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.”  (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot.  They’ve submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions.  Another variation on the above is ID10T:  “This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.”)

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a “cube farm” (an office full of cubicles) and everyone’s head pops up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND – Another word for a computer.  The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a “computer widow.”

TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY – A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

TOURISTS – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.  “We had about three serious students in the class, the rest were tourists.”

UMFRIEND – A relationship of dubious standing.  “This is Dale, my…um…friend.”

UNINSTALLED – Euphemism for being fired.  Heard on the voicemail of the vice president at a downsizing computer fire:  “You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president.  Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.  “See also DECRUITMENT.”

VULCAN NERVE PINCH – The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys to initiate certain computer commands.  For instance, the warm boot for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.  Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal:  “We all owe $8 each, but all anybody’s got is yuppie food stamps.”

JUST HANGIN OUT

A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was attending.  “I’m worried,” she said.  “I don’t know who my son can hang out with.  He doesn’t have the kind of money all the other students have.”

The dean replied, “He can hang out with the faculty.”

JUST A WARNING

As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer.  The motorist, informed that he had failed to come to a full stop at a stop sign, was handed a ticket.

“Don’t I get a warning?” he protested.

The officer replied, “Sure.  Here’s your warning:  If you don’t come to a complete stop next time, I’ll give you another ticket.”

KEEPING YOUR WORD

There were two evil brothers.  They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye.  They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired.  Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers.  A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.  The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said.  “At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”  The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.  “He was an evil man,” he said.  “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.”  After going on like this, he finally concluded, “but, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

KITCHEN HUMOR

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious!

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more that thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life.

Help Keep The Kitchen Clean – Eat Out.

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen And Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.

ZIPPERS

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat.  “The secret,” she said, “”is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to be a secret?”

THE ANNIVERSARY GIFT

Last weekend I spied something at “Larry’s Pistol and Pawn” that tickled my fancy.  I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni.  The occasion was our 22^nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.  The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety – way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded two Triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing!  I was so disappointed.  I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.  Awesome!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two Triple-A batteries, etc., etc.  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet kitty, after all.  But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.  The directions said that; a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5” long, less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy Triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no friggin’ way!” 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.  I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “don’t do it buddy.”  Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!

I’m pretty sure that Jesse Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.  Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, do it again!”

(Note:  If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution.  There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.  You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.)  SON-OF-A-GUN that hurt!!!  A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did they get up there???  My triceps and right thigh were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.

Still in shock,

Tommy

While looking for contact information for fire departments and hazmat units in Nevada, we came across the following:

HAZMAT:  Who Ya Gonna Call?

Washoe County’s Hazardous materials or Hazmat unit, as it is nicknamed, was recently dispatched to a post office in Reno to clean up a spill of mysterious origin.

Postal workers, it seemed, were complaining of vague symptoms of nausea and dizziness after smelling a rather odd but sweet odor leaking from a package in the back room.  After donning their space suits, helmets and gloves, HAZMAT specialist carefully isolated the substance and took sample away to be tested.  The deadly threatening substance?  Peach Snapple. 

TALKING CLOCK

A man showed some friends his apartment.  One guest asked “What’s that big brass basin for?”  “That’s the talking clock,” answered the man.  He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.  Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off, it’s 2 AM, you idiot!”

ONLY THE BEST!

My daughter goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car.  One afternoon we went to get gas.  When the attendant asked what kind, she said, “Unleaded – super.  The best you have.  And check the oil, please.”

When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, “What kind do you use?”

“I just want the finest”, she said.  “Whatever it costs.  And look at the radiator too. It might need water."

“What does it take,” the attendant inquired, “Perrier?”

OLE’S OBITUARY

Ole died.  So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.  The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, “You just put, “Ole died.”

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it?  Just ‘Ole died’?  Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole.  If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free.  We really should say something more.”

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K., Then.  You put ‘Ole died.  Boat for sale.’”

AMUSING BUMPER STICKERS

Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off NOW.

He who hesitates is probably right.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Hit me, I need the money!

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

HUG A LOGGER—you’ll never go back to trees.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I love cats … they taste just like chicken.

I souport publik edekashun.

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

I’m happily married – but my wife isn’t.

I’m out of bed and dressed.  What more do you want?

IRS:  We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It wasn’t actually a divorce – I was traded.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

ELEVEN-STEP GUIDE TO BEING HANDY AROUND THE HOUSE

1 – If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife.  If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.

2 – Try to work alone.  An audience is rarely any help.

3 – Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.

4 – Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5 – If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve year old.

6 – Stay simple minded:  Get a new battery, replace the bulb or fuse, see if the tank is empty, try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.

7 – Always take credit for miracles.  If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8 – Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing and shaking sometimes DOES help.

9 – If something looks level, it is level.

10 – If at first you don’t succeed, redefine succeed.

11 – Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

HARD LANDING

An airline pilot was telling about a particular flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”

“Did we land or were we shot down?”

HARVARD GRADS

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.  After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, “You men Harvard graduates?”

“Yes Sir!  Class of ’05!”  They answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, “Class of ’68.”

HEALTHY COMPETITION

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read … BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading … LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.  He put the biggest sign of all over his own store.  It read … MAIN ENTRANCE.

HEAVENLY PUNISHMENT

Billy Graham goes to heaven and is approached by St. Peter.  They greet each other.  Bill recognizes a man with 2 somewhat … er … unattractive lizards on his neck.

He asks, “Why does the Pope have 2 lizards around his neck?”

To which St. Peter replies, “Well, the Pope had some unresolved sins, and he must wear the lizards until he gives them up.”

He nods, and then notices Howard Stern with 10 lizards around his neck and states, “Ah, I get it.  He had even more unresolved sins, and he must wear them for longer.”

“Correct,” replies St. Peter.

Finally he sees Bill Clinton, with only one lizard on his neck.   Surprised to see the low number of lizards on Bill Clinton’s neck he asks St. Peter about this.

St. Peter replies, “Well, we needed to punish this particular lizard.”

HELP IS ON THE WAY!

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.  He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.  After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.  He asked if she needed help and she replied, “It’s about time!  I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”

HESITANT DRIVER

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway on-ramp.

The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.  Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “Hey, fellow!  The sign says “Yield, not surrender!”