THE LAST WORD

Two husbands were discussing their married lives.  Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.  Then the first man said, “I’ve made one great discovery.  I now know how to always have the last word.”

“Wow!” said the second, “how did you manage that?”

“It’s easy,” he replied.  “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

KITTENS

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know that?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied.  “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

HOSPITAL REGULATION

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being discharged.  While my friend was working as a student nurse, she found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet.  He insisted he didn’t need her help leaving the hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him.  “I don’t know,” he said.  “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

CAREER CHOICE

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.  The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career.  They decided to do a small test.  They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they are not home.  The father’s plan was:  “If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he take the bible, he will be a priest – but if he take the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”  So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet.  Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.  The son saw the note they had left.  Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.  After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.  Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.  Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.  The father slapped his forehead and said:  “Darn.  Our son is going to be a politician!”

JOGGING SHOES

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.  While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoes, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.  “What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”  “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

HOSPITAL SOFTBALL TEAM

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.  When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife.  “Here comes your anesthesiologist."

HECTIC DAY

I’d had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old.  When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law and gruffly said, “We’re putting on your PJ’s, brushing your teeth and reading ONE book.  Then it’s lights out!”

Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, “We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don’t have mommies and daddies.”

Even after I’d been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me.  I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, “Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?”

HEAVEN AND HELL

It turns out that Heaven isn’t above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence.

One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash.  Lots of bands performed with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party.  Toward the end of the festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence.

The Devil says, “Sure, no problem.  I’ve got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contactors.”

So, the fence is rebuilt but it’s three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven.  God is ANGRY.

“If you don’t move that fence back,” yells God, “I’m gonna sue you.”

“Yeah, right, “ says the Devil.  “Where are you gonna get a lawyer?”

HAIKU

Here are the error messages for the new “Microsoft Poet” operating system.  Enjoy!

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault

Through darkening blue windows

I begin again.

The code was willing,

It considered your request,

But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.

Could be a fatal error.

Have a pen handy?

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.

We won’t tell you where or why.

Lazy programmers.

Server’s poor response

Not quick enough for browser.

Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

Login incorrect.

Only perfect spellers may

Enter this system.

This site has been moved.

We’d tell you where, but then we’d

Have to delete you.

Wind catches lily

Scatt’ring petals to the wind:

Segmentation fault.

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand-dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

With searching comes loss

And the presence of absence:

“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao, until

You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek

Cannot be located but

Endless others exist.

Stay the patient course,

Of little worth is your ire

The network is down.

There is a chasm

Of carbon and silicon

The software can’t bridge.

Yesterday it worked

Today it is not working

Windows is like that.

To have no errors

Would be life without meaning

No struggle, no joy.

You step in the stream,

But the water has move on.

This page is not here.

No keyboard present

Hit F1 to continue

Zen engineering?

Hal. Open the file

Hal open the damn file, Hal

Open the, please Hal

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document you’re seeking

Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things

How long do any persist?

Netscape too, has gone.

Rather than a beep

Or a rude error message,

These words:  “File not found.”

CAREER CHOICE

A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”  “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career.”  “Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

OIL SHORAGE, AN EXPLANATION

There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there’s a very simple answer … nobody bothered to check the oil.  We just didn’t know we were getting low. 

The reason for that is purely geographical.  All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Alaska, etc.

All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

HEAVEN OR HELL?

This guy dies and finds himself in a small room.  It looks kind of like a living room from the Andy Griffith show, and has a couch and TV set in it.  There’s another fellow sitting on the couch watching TV.

The new dead guy looks around and asks, “so … is this heaven or hell?”

The other guy looks up and says, “Well, there’s no windows or doors, and no apparent way out.”

“Oh,” say the first guy.  “So it’s hell.”

“Well,” says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, “but they did give us this nice big TV set.”

“I see.  So maybe it’s heaven.”

“Yeah, but the TV has only one channel.”

“Oh, so maybe it’s hell?”

“Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good – it’s PBS.”

“Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?”

“Yeah, except for just one thing … “the other fellow says, sadly.  “It’s ALWAYS pledge week.”

LEMON JUICE

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet:  the bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.  Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”  After the laughter died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remain of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.  As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the Internal Revenue Service.”

CAT HAIKU

The food in my bowl

Is old, and more to the point

Contains no tuna.

So you want to play. 

Will I claw at dancing string?

Your ankle’s closer.

There’s no dignity

In being sick -- which is why

I don’t tell you where.

Seeking solitude

I am locked in the closet.

For once I need you.

Tiny can, dumped in

Plastic bowl.  Presentation,

One star; service:  none.

Am I in your way?

You seem to have it backwards:

This pillow’s taken.

Your mouth is moving;

Up and down, emitting noise.

I’ve lost interest.

The dog wags his tail,

Seeking approval.  See mine?”

Different message.

My brain:  walnut-sized.

Yours:  largest among primates.

Yet, who leaves for work?

Most problems can be

Ignored.  The more difficult

Ones can be slept through.

My affection is conditional.

Don’t stand up,

It’s your lap I love.

Cats can’t steal the breath

Of children.  But if my tail’s

Pulled again, I’ll learn.

I don’t mind being

Teased, any more than you mind

A skin graft or two.

So you call this thing

Your “cat carrier.”  I call

These my “blades of death.”

Toy mice, dancing yarn

Meowing sounds.  I’m convinced:

You’re an idiot.

THE SERGEANT

“Well,” snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.  “I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave.”

“Not me Sarge!” the private replied.  “Once I get out of the Army, I’m never going to stand in line again!”

SENDING AN SOS

My friend, Tony, was driving home from a fishing trip in Northern Michigan with his boat in tow, when he had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron.  He didn’t have a cell phone, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help.  Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard Officer responded, “Please give your location.”

Tony answered, “I’m on Interstate 75, two miles south of Standish.”

The officer paused, “Could you repeat that?”

Again Tony answered, “Interstate 75, two miles south of Standish.”

There was a longer pause … then an incredulous voice asked, “How fast were you going when you hit shore?”

LIGHT BULBS

Q:  How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Four hundred and seventy-two:  One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle, one to write …

Q:  How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine.  Can you tell me what kind of system you have?  OK.  Now, exactly how dark is it?  OK.   There could be four or five things wrong … Have you tried the light switch?

Q:  How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q:  How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We just noticed the room was dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.

Q:  How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Three.  Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.

Q:  How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712.  Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.

Q:  How many object-oriented programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  You’re still thinking procedurally.  A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.

Q:  How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  The light bulb works fine in my office …

Q:  How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None.  Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.

Q:  How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Just one, and he does it very well, but there is the $85 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider …

Q:  How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Two, and you’ll need a 48 hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.

Q:  How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Zero, well actually one, the one who tells the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.

Q:  How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None. "That's a hardware problem."

AMUSING BUMPER SNICKERS

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

All generalizations are false.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Be nice to your kids.  They’ll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder …

Born free … Taxed to death.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Consciousness:  that annoying time between naps.

Cover me.  I’m changing lanes.

Driver carries no cash.  He’s married.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Forget about World Peace … Visualize using your turn signal.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.