Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 2004, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.

Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Non-Farm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add ½ oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see page. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.

Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state, or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.

Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1⅔ cups.

Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus ¾ cup whole wheat flour.

Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 2004 if you itemize deductions.

Line 7. Salt, ⅓ teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.

Line 8. Baking powder, 1½ teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q. Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.

Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Non-Farm Cocoa Method [see Line4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)

Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.”

Line 11. Add vanilla.

Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Non-Farm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.

Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).

Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings.

Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this receipt and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER QUIZ

Are You a TRUE Elementary School Teacher? Let’s Find Out:

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?

3. Do you ask if anyone need to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

5. Do you refer to happy hour as “snack time”?

6. Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

7. Do you say “I like the way you did that” to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?

8. Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

9. Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

11. Do you fold your spouse’s fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?

12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?

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If you answered yes to 4 or more, it’s in your soul—you are hooked on teaching. And if you’re not a teacher, you missed your calling.

If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it’s too much in your soul—you should probably begin thinking about retirement.

If you answered yes to all 12, forget it—you’ll always be a teacher, retired or not!

ELEPHANT CAGE

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a police officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, “My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”

The second added, “My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, “Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts.”

SOUTHERNESE

Yorta have a lookit thisun: Yankee’s guide to “Southernese”. If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.

FOAL: Not a baby horse. This is flexible aluminum for baking.

Usage: “I put the taters in foal, afore I baked um.”

HEIDI: (noun) Greeting.

HIRE YEW: (complete sentence) Remainder of greeting.

Usage: “Heidi, hire yew?”

BARD: (verb) Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”

Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH: (noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.

Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER: (noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Muntgumry.

Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer.”

MUNTS: (noun) A calendar division.

Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

COLE DRANK: (adjective/noun) A chilled beverage, typically soda.

THANKS: (verb) Cognitive process.

Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a cole drank.”

RANCH: (noun) A tool used for tightnin’ bolts.

“I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL: (noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: ”I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR: (noun) A conflagration.

Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR: (noun) A rubber wheel.

Usage: “I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE: (noun) A tall monument.

Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, Ah sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime.”

RETARD: (verb) To stop working.

Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FARN: (adjective) Not domestic.

Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed; must be from some farn country.”

DID: (adjective) Not alive.

Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

ARE: (noun) A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen.

Usage: “He cain’t breathe; give ‘im some ARE!”

BOB WAR: (noun) A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

IGNERT: (adjective) Not smart.

Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

BAHS: A supervisor.

Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TARRED: (adverb) Exhausted.

Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

FAT: (noun) A battle or combat.

(verb) To engage in battle or combat.

RATS: (noun) Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

HAZE: (a contraction)

Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah . . . haze ignert.”

VIEW: (contraction) verb and pronoun.

Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City . . . view?”

HEAVY DEW: (phrase) A request for action.

Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT: (noun) A bureaucratic institution.

Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”

REPORT CARD

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good … mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

“Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

“Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try out on her mother.”

RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.

Employment application blanks always ask ‘who is to be notified in case of an emergency.’ I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it “Pumping Rust.”

I have gotten that dreaded “furniture disease”. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

BLONDE WOMEN FISHING

These two blonde gals were fishing at a river. They were so intent on what they were doing, they didn’t notice the Game Warden walk up behind them.

The Game Warden says, ‘Good afternoon, ladies. Enjoying your day off fishing?’

The blonde women answer, ‘Why yes we are, sir.’

GW: ‘May I see your fishing licenses?’

BW: ‘Fishing licenses!?! We don’t have any fishing licenses.’

GW: ‘You know, it’s illegal to fish without a license.’

BW: ‘But we’re not fishing! We’re cleaning up your beautiful river. You see, we’ve got magnets tied to our fishing lines so that we can clean up all the metal junk on the bottom.’

GW: ‘Yeah, right.’ So, the blonde gals reel up their lines and sure enough, they have small horseshoe magnets tied to the ends. No hooks, no weights, no bait. Just magnets. The Game Warden chuckled and shook his head and said to the gals, ‘Enjoy your day, Ladies.’

After the game warden walked off, one blonde says to the other, ‘I can’t believe he was stupid enough to fall for that cleaning the river story!’

The other blonde say, ‘Well, duh! Doesn’t he know there’s steelhead in this river?!

CAN’T SWIM

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn’t swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.

“Is it true?” one of them asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”

“No, I can’t,” he replied. “Can pilots fly?”

CAFETERIA FOOD

Once when the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, “It’s about time. At last – a home cooked meal!”

CAN YOU GIVE ME A PUSH?

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there.” Slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push!!”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she said “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again! What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push??” He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”

CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk – dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes; however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.” When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker that a politician can shift positions.

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey facemask, and a long sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him; however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

CAR RENTAL

On duty as a customer service rep for a car rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond “a blue four-door.”

After a pause, the driver replied, “It’s the one on fire.”

CAR ACCIDENT

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

CAR POOL

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “I have a last minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”

At 7:00 PM, the man stopped back at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the bar and grill across the street.