was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over
was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician
did every trick. Once he understood he started
shouting in the middle of the show:
it’s not the same hat.”
he is hiding the flowers under the
why are all the cards the Ace of
magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was,
after all, the captain’s parrot.
the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle
of the ocean, with the parrot, of course. They
stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for a day, and another, and
week the parrot said: “OK, I give up.
Where’s the boat?”
ARE FROM SEARS, WOMEN ARE FROM
believe that, in general, women are saner than
men. For example, if you see people who have paid
good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing
December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of
their bodies except paint, those people will be
males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn
mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent
decline in the annual number of deaths related to
efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. Also, if
women were in charge of all the world’s nations, there
would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no
military conflicts, and if there were a military
conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and
there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful
notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the
front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be
salads, with the dressing on the side.)
sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with
the exception of one key area, and that area is:
clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are
man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to
purchase clothes that fit on his particular body.
A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants
are too small, he’ll try on a larger pair, and when he
finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do
not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of the
pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed
right on the back label, so that if you’re standing
behind a man in a super market line, you can read his
waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a
52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will
proudly display this information, which is basically the
same thing as having a sign that says:
“Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express
truck! The situation is very different with
woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to
find clothes that fit her particular body. She
would like for that to be the case, but her primary
objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she
wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some
arbitrary number such a “5” or “7”. Don’t ask me
“5” or “7” of what; that questions has baffled
scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a
woman was a size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5
now, and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will
not move on to the a larger size: She can’t!
Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5
items, and unless they start fitting her, she will
become extremely unhappy. She may take this
unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently
in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image
store, trying to think of how he could justify
purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.
“Hi!” he’ll say, when his wife finds him. “You
know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night
“Am I fat?” she’ll ask,
cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for
the man, because if he answers “yes,” she’ll be angry
because he’s saying that she’s fat, and if he answers
“no,” she’ll be angry because HE’S OBVIOUSLY LYING
BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5‘s FIT HER!
no escape for the husband. I think a lot of
unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls
see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and
they realize their lives will be easier if, before their
wives come out and demand to know whether they’re fat,
the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and
you know why? Because she had successfully put on
a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel
wonderful. She said, and this s a direct
quote: “I wouldn’t care if these pants were this
big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they
have a ‘6’ on them.”
how you can get rich: Start a women’s clothing
store called “SIZE 2,” in which all garments, including
those that were originally intended to be restaurant
awnings, had labels with the words “SIZE 2.” I bet
you’d sell clothes like crazy. You’d probably get
rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some
philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I’m
thinking here of professional lawn mower
were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were
exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in
the neighborhood, it would turn out that they had a hand
in it. Their parents were at their wits’ end
trying to control them. Hearing about a priest
nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk
with the boys. The father agreed.
mother went to the priest and made her request. He
agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first
and alone. So the mother sent him to the
priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk
he sat behind. For about five minutes they just
sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest
pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is
looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said nothing.
louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where
the boy looked all around but said nothing. A
third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned
far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the
boy’s nose, and asked, “Where is God?”
panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his
older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and
into the closet, where they usually plotted their
mischief. He finally said, “We are in BIG
older boy asked, “What do you mean, BIG
brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did
owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise
visit and check up on his staff. Walking through
the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against
how much are you being paid a week?” said the owner
hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted
out $300, slapped the money into the boy’s hands and
said, “Here’s a week’s pay – now get out and don’t come
to one of the supervisors, he said, “How long has that
lazy bum been working here anyway?”
not an employee,” said the supervisor. “He was
just here to deliver a
you’re from or in Wyoming when:
Your summer wardrobe includes a windbreaker and long
You’ve ever returned a windbreaker to the store for
You use a motorcycle jacket as a
Your outdoor Christmas lights explode when plugged
You think anyone who drives with less than a half a tank
of gas is crazy.
Driving through six inches of snow is no
Lukewarm McDonald’s french fries show up on infrared
You don’t put on gloves ever though it is –10 degrees
thought people in the movie ‘The Day After Tomorrow’
were total wimps.
How to tell
if the weather is bad in Wyoming:
287 and US Highway 30 are both closed.
wind advisory is in effect.
Transportation Department plows city
their owners and use the carcasses to keep
buildings sway in the wind.
tunnel for shelter.
forecasters lose their jovial tone.
migrate to Canada.
tank of gas freezes.
average day in Wyoming when:
scours paint from you car.
pushes your car into another lane of
freezes even though you took a shower over an hour
your cold drinks on the windowsill.
ice cream in the back yard, in full
had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made.
first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10
Sunday he preached only 20 minutes.
the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25
asked about this by some of the congregation, he
responded this way: “The first Sunday, my gums
were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday,
my dentures were still hurting a lot. The third
Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures and I
couldn’t stop talking!”
Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing
Administration) loan for a client. He was told
that the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to property offered as
collateral. The title dated back to 1803, and he
had to spend three months running it
sending the information to FHA, he got this reply:
“We received your letter today enclosing application for
loan for your client, supported by abstract of
title. Let us compliment you on the able manner in
which you prepared and presented the application.
However, you have not cleared the title before the year
1802, and therefore, before final approval can be
accorded the application, it will be necessary that the
title be cleared back of that year.
the lawyer replied: “Your letter regarding titles
in Case No. 189156 received. I note that you wish
titles extended further back than I have presented
them. I was unaware that any educated man in the
world failed to know that Louisiana was purchased from
France in 1803. The title to the land was acquired
by France by right of conquest from Spain. The
land came into possession of Spain by right of discovery
made in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus, who
had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to
India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The
good queen, being a pious woman and careful about
titles, almost as much I might say, as the FHA, took the
precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope for the
voyage before she sold her jewels to help
Columbus. Now the Pope, as you know, is the
emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is
commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I
believe it is safe to presume that He also made that
part of the world called Louisiana, and I hope you are
MAKING UP FOR LOST
pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York
to allow his usual on time departure. The weather
in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his
departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear
that he had another delay due to the increased traffic
now leaving New York.
later he finally received his clearance and decided he
would try to make up the time lost by asking for a
direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the
country he was told to turn due South. Knowing
that this turn would now throw him further behind
schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller
for the reason for the turn off course. The
controller replied that the turn was for noise
pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, “Look
buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the
delays you guys have given me today. I really
don’t see how I could be causing a noise problem for
pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the
controller answered in a calm voice, “Apparently,
Captain, you have never heard two 747’s
OF CAT PHYSICS
CAT INERTIA – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest,
unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the
opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying
CAT MOTION – A cat will move in a straight line, unless
there is a really good reason to change
CAT THERMODYNAMICS – Heat flows from a warmer to a
cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows
to the cat.
LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION – Cats know that energy
can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as
BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY – All bags and boxes in a given room
must contain a cat within the earliest possible
FURNITURE REPLACEMENT – A cat’s desire to scratch
furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the
LAW OF PILL
REJECTION – Any pill given to a cat has potential energy
to reach escape velocity.
LAW OF CAT
COMPOSITION – A cat is compose of Matter + Anti-matter +
It Doesn’t Matter.
SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM – Given enough time, a cat will
land in just about any space.
CAT OBEDIENCE – As yet
TO THE F.A.A.
I was asked
to make a written statement concerning certain events
that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would
like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student
pilot’s license and told me I wouldn’t need it any
more. I guess that means that you’re giving me my
full-fledged pilot’s license. You should watch
that fellow though, after I told him all of this he
seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking.
Anyway, here is what happened.
weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I
soloed. But on the day in question I was not about
to let low ceiling and visibility and a slight freezing
drizzle deter me from another exciting experience at the
controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my
accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with
me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred
miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that
served absolutely wonderful charbroiled steaks and the
way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned
about the weather, but I assured him once again about
the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying
and he seemed much happier.
arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped,
as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it
would. There were only a few snowflakes. I
checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid
IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to
the local operator, I found out that my regular
airplane, a Piper J-3 Cub, was down for repairs.
You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a
friendly, intelligent line-boy suggested that I take
another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek
and looked much easier to fly. I think that he
called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It
didn’t have a tail wheel, but I didn’t say anything
because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare
engine for some reason.
climbed in and I began looking for an ignition
switch. Now, I don’t want to get anyone in
trouble, but it shouldn’t be necessary to get the
airplane manual just to find out how to start an
airplane. That’s ridiculous. I never saw so
many dials and needles and knobs, handles and
switches. As we both know, confidentially, they
have simplified this in the J-3 Cub. I forgot to
mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people
were so nice. When I told them I was flying an
Aztec, they said it was all right to go direct via
Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way.
These fellows deserve a lot of credit. They told
me a lot of other things too. But everybody has problems
with red tape.
take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the
pattern just the way the book says it should be
done. The tower operator told me to contact
Departure Control Radar, but that seemed kind of silly
since I knew where I was going. There must have
been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a
lot airline pilots began yelling at the same time and
made such a racket that I just turned off the
radio. You’d think that those professionals would
be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few
little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet,
but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it
was straight east to the town where we were going to
have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid
overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now
that it was a waste of time to watch the ground.
This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My
neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery,
especially the mountains all around us, but everybody
has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to
make the best of it, don’t we?
pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed
to be forming here and there, especially on the
windshield, there wasn’t much to see. I will say
that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot
with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell
out of my shirt picket once in a while, but these
phenomena sometimes occur, I am told. I don’t
expect you to believe this but my pocket watch was
standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty
funny and I asked my neighbor to look but he just kept
staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy look in his
eyes and I figured that he was afraid of heights like
all non-pilots are. By the way, something was
wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding
all the time.
I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we
were going, since I had worked it out on the
computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but
something must have gone wrong with it since when I came
down to look for the airport, there wasn’t anything
there except mountains. These weather people sure
had been wrong, too. It was real marginal
conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred
feet. You just can’t trust anybody in this
business except yourself, right? Why, there were
even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolts of
lightning. I decided that my neighbor would see
how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that
fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten
over his fear of heights, and I didn’t want to wake him
up. I had just read the manual and I knew right
where the other ignition switch was. I just fired
up the other engine and we kept right on going.
This business of having two engines is really a safety
factor. If one quits the other is right there
ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two
engines. You might look into this.
in command, I take my responsibilities very
seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go
down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad
weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because
it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn’t
been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard
to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs
through the ice on the windshield. Several cars
ran off the road when we passed and you sure see what
they mean about flying being a lot safer than
a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I
knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we
were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to
land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it
had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of
colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew
that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that
you could always talk to these military people on the
international emergency frequency, so I tried it but you
wouldn’t believe the language that I hear. These
people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I
would like to complain as a taxpayer. Evidently,
they were expecting somebody to come in and land because
they kept talking about some dang stupid idiot up in
that fog. I wanted to be helpful, so I landed on
the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow
needed the runway. A lot of people came running
out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they
had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some
general with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about
something. I tried to explain to him in a
reasonable manner that I didn’t think the tower operator
should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face
was so red that I think he must have a drinking
that’s about all. I caught a bus back home because
the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at
the hospital there. He can’t make a statement yet
because he’s still not awake. Poor fellow, he must
have the flu, or something.
know if you need anything else, and please send my new
license airmail, special delivery.
teacher of 4th graders thought as a fun
assignment, to give the students the beginning of a list
of famous sayings and have them provide the original
endings for each one. Here are some examples of
what the students submitted.
grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler
rolling stone pays the guitar.
grass is always greener when you remember to water
in the hand is a real mess.
is no newspaper.
better to light a candle than waste
always darkest just before I open my
nothing to fear but homework.
can’t stand the heat, go swimming.
put off ‘til tomorrow what you should have done
save is nothing in the real world.
squeaking wheel gets annoying.
nothing to fear but our principal.
is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
therefore I get a headache.
and the world laughs with you. Cry, and some
yells, “Shut up!”
to light a candle than to light an
always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
bed and early to rise is first in the
journey of a thousand miles begins with a
nothing new under the bed.
grass is always greener when you put manure on
count your chickens – it takes too