ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, I NEARLY BROKE MY NECK…

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend I was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and trekking the Halloween/Thanksgiving decorations back down again. During one trek down the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, I slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on my behind. My wife yelled, “What was that thump?”

“I just fell down the $%^&* stairs,” I explained.

“Anything broken?”

“No, I’m fine.”

There was just a slight pause before I heard, “Oh, that’s good. What about my decorations? Are any of them broken?”

FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You just look like Santa Claus.

OFFICE HOLIDAY MEMO

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg Nog will NOT BE DISPENSED IN VENDING MACHINES.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

NEW IN THE MARKEPLACE FOR THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun’s habit (after all, she’s still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she’s taken a vow of silence.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.

Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah Scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement-Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her lift hand ring finger).

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Home-girl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like “I don’t think so,” “Dang, get outta my face,” and “You go, girl.” Teaches girls not to take no nonsense from no man.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “Control theory is hard. Dang these spike heels anyway!”

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o’ Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packages of potato chips, a t-shirt reading “Only the Weak Don’t Eat,” and, of course, an appetite.

NATIVITY SCENE

With Christmas closing in, I’m reminded of the time I was sitting in a local pizza takeout waiting for my order. Being a good Italian takeout, there was a nativity scene set up, and with nothing better to do I contemplated the figurines gathered ‘round the manger:

… shepherd … camel … wise man … Princess Leia in slave-girl outfit … donkey … wise man … Imperial Stormtrooper … Yoda …

I can only surmise that the tinsel-encrusted bauble suspended over the whole scene was the “Death Star O’ Bethlehem.”

SANTA’S OFFICIAL MILITARY VISIT

To: All Personnel

From: Christopher K. Ringle. OIC, Special Services

Subject: Operation Order 12-98: Official Visit of Major General Claus

1. An official visit by Major General Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this facility 25 Dec 2004. The following directives will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 Dec 04. Uniform for the nap will be: pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from CIP prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items.

c. Personnel will utilize standard “T” ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in “T” ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experience. These items will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.

d. Stocking, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards, caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec 04, ATTN: AEAGE-S for approval. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8,(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown prior to the start of official clatter.

f.   Prior to 0001 hours, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned “wandering eyeball” stations. The SDNCE will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. In coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by MG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator’s license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout “On Dancer, On Prancer, etc.”  

2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, MlA2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies prior to 23 Dec 04. Personnel will ensure the chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of the visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” or “Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night.” This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

NAME THAT CHRISTMAS TUNE

The Following Christmas carols were written by government officials. Can you guess the original titles?

1. Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their Belief.

2. Embellish Interior Passageways

3. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist

4. First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory Phenomenon Of A Natal Celebration Devoid Of Color

5. Soundless Nocturnal Period

6. Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person Plural

7. The Yuletide Occurrence Preceding All Others

8. Precious Metal Musical Devices

9. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished Males

10. Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage

11. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend

12. Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural By The First Person Plural

13. Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs Vocalize

14. Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too Distant Future

15. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The Period Between December 21^st And March 21^st In The Northern Hemisphere

16. Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O’clock During A Clement Nocturnal Period

17. Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea Southwest Of Jerusalem

Answers: 1. O Come All Ye Faithful, 2. Deck The Halls, 3. The Little Drummer Boy, 4. I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas, 5. Silent Night, 6. We Three Kings, 7. The First Noel, 8. Silver Bells, 9. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, 10. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, 11. Let It Snow, 12. We Wish You A Merry Christmas, 13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, 14. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, 15. Walking In A Winter Wonderland, 16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear, 17. O Little Town Of Bethlehem

WHAT SIZE?

A woman came into my pharmacy with a shopping list. As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, I inquired what size of each she wanted. Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

I was surprised when, in response to my usual question, “What size?” she said, “What size would you suggest? I’m only having four for dinner.”

AFTER CHRISTMAS THOUGHT

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, “Mom, is there a Santa Claus?”

“Well, what do you think?” I asked him.

He replied, “Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper.” He thought for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what … you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let’s just forget we ever had this talk!”

NEW YEAR’S DINNER

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important – the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN?

I think Santa Claus is a woman … I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 P.M. on December 24^th, then they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11^th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating Musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, Where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect the repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

• Men can’t pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead that caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened … having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don’t answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
• Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
• Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men …

• Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
• Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
• Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But no St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song,” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish he’d quit dressing like a guy!!!!

SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN? (A Rebuttal)

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here’s why:

First, Christmas would be late every year.

The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to “bond” with every kid that sat on her lap.

The elves would never get any toys made because they’d be too busy telling her, “No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat.”

What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don’t care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down a chimney.

And what about Santa’s beard? I’m sure you’ll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn’t have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.

The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte’s. Also, a male Santa would judiciously take a bite from each cookie to prove he had been there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured there’d be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers all over the kitchen floor.

Santa doesn’t need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.

She-Santa would never say ”HO HO HO”. She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.

Would any self-respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.

She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs. Yup, Santa’s a guy alright!