THANKSGIVING FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34˚F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

REAL LABEL – REAL PRODUCTS

On the ‘CycleAware’ helmet-mounted mirror:
‘Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.’

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreen:
“Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place.”

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel:
‘Warning – Remove lock before driving.’

On a packet of juggling balls:
‘This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA.’

Seen on a camera:
‘This camera only works when there is film inside.’

On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
‘After opening, keep upright.’

On a can of windshield de-icing spray:
‘Spray works in sub-zero temperatures.’

On a can of insect spray:
‘Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees.’

A different brand of insect spray:
‘Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals.’

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
‘Protect from seawater.’

On a Halloween Batman Costume:
‘This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.’

AN AFTER–THANKSGIVING POEM

I ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I’m stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin’
I’m probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
Fore I’m so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I’m full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there’s still some dessert so I guess it won’t hurt
If I eat just a little bit more!

TOP TEN NOT SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT THE AVERAGE PARENT

10 – The average parent has eaten their weight in Girl Scout cookies.

9 – The average parent has at least two backup recipes for play-doh.

8 - The average parent has Pizza Hut on speed dial.

7 - The average parent has prepared more than 10,000 servings of macaroni and cheese.

6 - The average parent unconsciously hums at least three children’s show theme songs all day.

5 - The average parent can take construction paper, glue, pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a delightful Thanksgiving centerpiece.

4 - The average parent can produce from their pocket, purse, or car at least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and a Barbie shoe at any given time.

3 - The average parent has at least one child-induced stain on the clothing they are currently wearing.

2 - The average parent secretly hopes that whoever thought up 3 months for summer vacation gets attacked by a pack of marauding wolverines.

1 - The average parent knows that a suspiciously sweet, ‘Mommy, I love you’ means, ‘I have just decorated your new headboard/carpet/dress/suit with all your makeup.

THANKSGIVING PRAYER

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things that should be included in the prayer.

At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:

‘Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don’t like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food.’

(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)

BEFORE AND AFTER

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on ‘something I am thankful for’. Then I’d spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I’d end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born in the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes – which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program, which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese – without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to ‘cause drowsiness’ in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watchers who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for my wonderful family.

AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for my wonderful family.

ADVICE FROM MARTHA STEWART & MAXINE

Martha Stewart’s Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Maxine’s Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha Stewart’s Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Maxine’s Way
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart’s Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Maxine’s Way
Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha Stewart’s Way
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up’.

Maxine’s Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!”

Martha Stewart’s Way
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Maxine’s Way
Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha Stewart’s Way
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine’s Way
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg white over the crust, so I don’t”

Martha Stewart’s Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away

Maxine’s Way
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink

Martha Stewart’s Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Maxine’s Way
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha Stewart’s Way
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Maxine’s Way
……..Leftover wine???? HEL-LO!!!!

History of the Pilgrims

These selections are a collection of short pieces about history written by eighth graders. Wording and spelling have not been changed.

PILGRAM INTERUPTERS

The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different.

The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn’t have a bathroom on board so there was quite and oder. Priscillia Mullins was the captain.

First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They spent the winter there.

Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor of Plymouth Rock.

A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.

Another Interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers freedom of government in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks for all this that’s what started Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national holiday all around the world.

These people always wore old shoes with a big buckle on the top of them. The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls wore funny bonnets.

But if these people wouldn’t had of come to American the United States wouldn’t be like it is today.

REAL-LIFE CLASSIFIED ADS

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Fore Sale – eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer Stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3 year old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, The Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE ALASKAN

Having lived in Fairbanks and Wasilla for several years, I felt our friends in Alaska would appreciate this joke.

PS: the Alaska State Insect is the Dragonfly (it eats Mosquitos!) I’m not making that up.

You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

You thought “Grumpy Old Men” was a documentary.

The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store on Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo – it’s sausage making.

The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

You find-60 degrees F, a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.

You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.

Going to the store for milk can be life threatening.

Your town has no stray animals.

Most dogs in your area have a job in transportation.

You have a good supply of arctic wear AND mosquito repellant.

The schools or businesses don’t give “Snow Days.”

You have more problems with moose eating your bushes than with grasshoppers or beetles.

You have to plug in your car even though it isn’t electric.

The Halloween pumpkin you carved in October doesn’t go bad until April or May. (The jack-o-lanterns don’t last till spring because the moose come up on the porch in November and eat them.

Short sleeves are considered appropriate wear in any temperature that doesn’t have a –(minus) in front of it.

Living in the “boonies” or “in the country” has a whole different meaning than in the Lower 48.

You sometimes have to wait for the bear to leave the yard before you can come in from the bathroom.

Michael, from Anchorage, said that most people don’t know what Sorels are (keep reading to find out) and added that moose are very large and it takes a great deal of time to process one. He also confirmed that the mosquitoes really do have collision lights (*grin*) and that salt and pepper is all you really need. He also commented that he doesn’t think that anyone up there buys bottled water.

The two most common questions were: identify Sorels and Zamboni.

“Sorels” are warm, winter boots, considered by some to be “the best cold-weather boots in the world.” They are manufactured by Kaufman Footwear, a Canadian company.

A “Zamboni is a machine for resurfacing ice. Frank J. Zambonie (1901 – 1988) invented the first ice-resurfacing machine in the early 1940’S. The machines still carry his name to this day. The “Zamboni” has had a tremendous impact on skating and ice sports throughout the world.

The last joke: You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.