TEN MINUTES ALONE

After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. “All right, think about this,” bellowed the drill instructor. “If you could have ten minutes alone, with anyone in the world, who would it be?” Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. “My recruiter!”

DEFINITION OF OUTDOORS BARBECUING

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9 After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ”her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

THE JOB INTERVIEW

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?” The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.” The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.” The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.” The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.” “Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.” The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.” The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?”    “What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”

KITCHEN HUMOR

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious!

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life.

Help Keep The Kitchen Clean – Eat Out.

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen And Gone On To Lead Normal Lives.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.

WHAT’S YOUR NAME?

One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she’d gently shake him and ask, “What’s your name?”

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.

When Sally went in at 5:00 AM, she found something white on his forehead.

Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: “My name is Daniel.”

WHALE COMMUNICATION

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. “For instance,” he said, “some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”

“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked a sarcastic member of the group.

I’m not absolutely sure,” answered the expert, “But it sounds something like this: ‘Heeeey! Can you hear me nooww!?!

SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A “NO FRILLS” AIRLINE

You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

VALUE OF TEN DOLLARS

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know, Stumpy, but that air plane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” This one year, Stumpy and Martha went to the Fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Martha replied, “Stumpy, that air plane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.” Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, “Well, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.” Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

WHY DOGS DO NOT USE COMPUTERS!

10. op OHQ05 rxd6TTO /6T Y#} P3#2Wq/g   (It is too hard to type with paws.)

9. Sit and stay were hard enough. Delete and save is out of the question!

8. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal paw syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway he’s been browsing.

5. Fire hydrant icon is frustrating.

4. Can’t help attacking screen when he hears, “You’ve Got Mail”.

3. Too messy to mark every website he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Cannot stick his head out of WINDOWS XP.

TRICK OR TREAT

The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands a well dressed kid in a black suit carrying a briefcase, saying “Trick or Treat!”

The man asks the kid who he’s dressed up as for Halloween.

The kid says, “I’m an IRS agent.” Then he takes 28% of the man’s candy, and leaves, and doesn’t say “Thank you.”

HALLOWEEN ROCKY

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky”, in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight, too.”

OUTRUNNING A GHOST

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man’s face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, “Ahhhhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There’s an old guy’s face there!” (Was this a ghost?)

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, “Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!” So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “Do you have any cigarettes?”

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, “He wants a cigarette.”

“Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!!” the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, “Step on it!!!!”, rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, “What do you think of that?”

The driver replies, “I don’t know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast.”

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

“Aaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!” the passenger yells.

“Well, see what he wants now!”, yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily say, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, ‘STEP ON IT!”

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

“OH MY GOD! HE’S BACK!”

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

The old man replies, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

POST-ELECTION LIGHT BULBS

In honor of the election (Both Parties represented)

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six:

14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows denying that the bulb is burned out.

8 White House aides to blame the previous administration.

4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans “mean-spirited.”

243 Children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of burned out bulbs on our children and how the “mean-spirited” Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness.

1 First lady to say that changing the light bulb takes a village.

9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a movie role in which they changed light bulbs.

15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.

103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C. really knows how to change a light bulb.

1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his childhood in Arkansas.

42 Cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.

1 Campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.

1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of changing a light bulb.

2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly able to change their own light bulbs.

1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that can’t be pinned on the Republicans.

1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no one else knows anything about.

5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly, doesn’t offend anyone, doesn’t impact the environment, doesn’t unfairly benefit one group, doesn’t harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light bulbs.

And . . . .

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four hundred and seventy one:

12 To investigate Clinton’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb;

23 To deregulate the light bulb industry;

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

34 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead;

And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.

NEW BOAT

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having problems. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.