OFFICER’S FIRST PATROL

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good” replied the veteran, “especially since this was a bus stop.”

QUALITY PILOTS

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost and hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?” Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER IF . . .

1 You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2 You find humor in other people’s stupidity.

3 You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”

4 You believe chocolate is a food group.

5 You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

6 You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box on the report card.

7 You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

8 When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9 You have no life from August to June.

10 Marking all A’s on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

11 When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.

12 You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13 You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

14 You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the “lounge.”

15 You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

16 You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

17 You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for 10 years.

18 You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.

19 You can’t have children because there’s no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

20 You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

21 You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”

22 You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he or she says, “Oh, you must have such FUN every day. This must be like playtime for you.”

23 Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

24 Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”

OLD GEEZER “QUALIFYING EXAM

1. In the 1940’s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

A. On the floor shift knob

B. On the floorboard, to the left of the clutch

C. Next to the horn.

2. The bottle cap of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?

A. Capture lightning bugs

B. To sprinkle clothes before ironing

C. Large saltshaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

A. Cows got cold and wouldn’t produce milk

B. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled

C. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

A. Blackjack

B. Gin

C. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WWII?

A. Suntan

B. Leg painting

C. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn’t tell whether it was coming or going?

A. Studebaker

B. Nash Metro

C. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

A. Strips of dried peanut butter

B. Chocolate licorice bars

C. Wax coke shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch Wax used?

A. To stiffen a flattop hair cut so it stood up

B. To make floors shine and prevent scuffing

C. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

A. With clamps, tightened by a skate key

B. Woven straps that crossed the foot

C. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered to be best way to reach a decision?

A. Consider all the facts

B. Ask Mom

C. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940’s?

A. Small pox

B. AIDS

C. Polio

12. “I’ll be down to get you in a ________, Honey.”

A. SUV

B. Taxi

C. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy’s pet pony?

A. Old Blue

B. Paint

C. Macaroni

14. What was Duck-and-Cover?

A. Part of the game of hide and seek

B. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores

C. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

A. Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring

B. Princess Sacajewea

C. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

A. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high

B. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window

C. Wrote another pupil’s name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

A. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum

B. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items

C. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the lord, and pass the _________?

A. meatballs

B. dames

C. ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?

A. The Mills Brothers

B. The Supremes

C. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

A. Tony Bennett

B. Xavier Cugat

C. George Gershwin

ANSWERS:

1. B. On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late 60s to catch on.

2. B. To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. C. Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top

4. A. Blackjack gum.

5. B. Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. A. 1946 Studebaker

7. C. Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. A. Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. A. With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. C. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. C. Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. B. Taxi. Better be ready by half past eight!

13. C. Macaroni

14. C. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. A. Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring. Her character was played by a real person. For the curious, her father on the show, Chief Thunder Cloud, was also played by a real person. The other real persons on the show were the host, Buffalo Bob Smith, and of course, Clearable the Clown. Other puppets included Mr. Bluster, Flub-A-Dub and Dilly-Dally.

16. A. Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. B. Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. C. Ammunition, and we’ll all be free.

19. A. The Mills Brothers. The Ink spots also recorded the song but the Mills Brothers recorded it first.

20. A. Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING:

17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for an old geezer or you are younger than springtime!

THE OLD COUPLE

While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too.”

THE BOOK OF GENESIS, THE CREATION (OF PETS)

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets from from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No Problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

OLD GEEZERS

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with sirens going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir do you know what we’re doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him, gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh", he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

EMERGENCY ROOM

A woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks the assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.

The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.

At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the physician and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my darn bag open."

THE FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter was working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl says.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but . . . .then I wouldn't have a siren."

BECOMING A LAWYER

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.˜I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

˜I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

˜Your Hands? "What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"