WHEN LIFE BEGINS

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

‘Those of my faith,’ said the minister, ‘believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat.’

‘We take a bit of a different view,’ said the priest, ‘in that we believe life starts at the moment of conception.’

‘Well,’ said the rabbi, ‘it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies.’

CURTAIN RODS……

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple’s multimillion-dollar home, and since the man’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on several pounds of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10^th of what the house was worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hours, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. ‘What’s your name?’ he asked the new guy.

‘John,’ the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, ‘Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker …That’s all.  I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?

The new guy sighed, ‘Darling, my name is John Darling.’

‘Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is...‘

WHAT THE ENGINEER SAYS (WHAT IS REALLY MEANT)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping at straws.)

We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

Close project coordination. (We know who to blame.)

Major technological break through. (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

Preliminary operations tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who understood the thing, quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

We’ll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

Please read and initial. (Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)

Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)

Give us your interpretation. (I can’t wait to hear this!)

All New! (Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Too heavy to lift!)

Years of development. (One finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

Low maintenance. (Impossible to fix if broken.)

YOU’RE NOT OLD UNLESS

You’re not old UNLESS you can remember . . .

Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.

When there were two types of sneakers for boys.

When boys couldn’t wear anything but leather shoes to school.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.

When nearly everyone’s mom was at home when the kids got there.

When nobody owned a purebred dog.

When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.

When you’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, everyday.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!

When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed … and they did!

When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

WHAT’S YOUR JOB?

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. ‘What’s your job there?’

“I’m the president, “ I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, ‘I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.'

WANT A JOB?

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, coca-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard chocolates in Burlingame, California.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?

It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!

Now stop complaining and get back to work.

SOME LAWYER JOKES

An elderly defense witness gave testimony in a three-year-old murder case. His responses were slow, and he prefaced each with the words “I think.” The prosecutor, eager to destroy the old man’s credibility as a witness, haughtily remarked, “You think the accused had gone. You think his car was a Chevy. You think you saw the deceased alive after the accused left. Your entire testimony consists of ‘I think.’ Don’t you know anything?” With the same deliberation as before, the old man replied, “Young fellow, I cannot speak without first thinking. I am not an attorney.”

A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asked, ‘Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?” The coroner said, “No.” The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?” “No.” “Did you check for breathing?” “No.” “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?” The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.” “That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

STUPID CRIMINALS

I heard on the radio this morning about a man who had a very small amount of marijuana in his suitcase when he was coming through customs, for some reason, he knew that the customs officials were going to search his bag. So he grabbed someone else’s bag off the carousel and went through customs. When the officials opened up the suitcase, they found several pounds of cocaine in it.

It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the juice. The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, “I had a promising career in politics until . . . I was framed, I tell you, framed!” His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt. The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas. His final words were, “I had a promising career in computing, but I didn’t think that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT many planes!!!.” Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live. The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba from Texas A&M University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He say, “I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you know, if y’all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing will work.

I once saw an FBI flier of a male subject that walked into a bank, went up to a teller and said, “This is a stickup.” He then opened up his jacket to show the teller his gun, then turned and ran out of the bank - because he forgot his gun!!!!