REDNECK LETTER

Dear Redneck Son:

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother . . .

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

WASHINGTON DC

A teacher asked one of her pupils, ‘What’s the nation’s capital?’

The reply was, ‘Washington DC.’

On being asked what the ‘DC’ stood for, the pupil added, “Dot com!”

NORTH VS SOUTH

By now I’m sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

You just might be a yankee if:

1 – You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

2 – You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3 – You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

4 – For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5 – You don’t know what a moon pie is.

6 – You’ve never had an RC cola.

7 – You’ve never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8 – You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9 – You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.

10 – You have no idea what a polecat is.

11 – You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12 – You don’t have bangs.

13 – You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

14 – More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15 – You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up with his own TV fishing show.

16 – Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.

17 – You don’t think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18 – You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19 – You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20 – You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 some where around the house.

21 – The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from on an on-ramp to the highway.

22 – You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23 – The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24 – You call binoculars opera glasses.

25 – You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26 – You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.

27 – You don’t know what appliqué is.

28 - You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).

29 – You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

30 – You’ve never been to a craft show.

31 – You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

32 – You can do your laundry without quarters.

33 – None of your fur coats are homemade.

 

THE ALABAMA JUMPER

A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below.

The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, “Hey fellow, why are doing this?” The man replied, “Well, I have nothing to live for.”

The Alabama man replied, “Well, think of your wife and children!”

The jumper replied, “I have no wife or children.”

The Alabama man then said, “ Well, then think of your mother and father!” The man replied, “Mom and Dad passed on many years back.”

The Alabama man then said, “Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!” The would-be jumper replied, “Who?”

With that the Alabama man said, “Jump you stupid yankee, jump!”

TOURING IN THE MIDWEST

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross the Midwest, the Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1 – That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2 – It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3 – We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi. We got over it.

4 – Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped … by our women.

5 – Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for … bait.

6 – If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

7 – That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

8 – No, There’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order Steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9 – You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

10 – So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

11 – Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

12 – Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks—because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.

13 – Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too—and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.

14 – They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstates 70, 80 & 90 go two ways - Interstates 25 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

15 – The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

16 – So every person in every pickup waves, it’s called being friendly, understand the concept?

17 – Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

18 – That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot … His name is “Sir” … no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and come again.

WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA – FINANCING IS AVAILABLE

An introduction to the new resident to California.

GEOGRAPHY AND PEOPLE

Distance: Before you can understand the geography of California you must understand how we measure distance. There are no miles in California, only hours. Ask anyone in this state how far a place is from where you are and they will give you the distance in hours, not miles. To help new residents and Californians traveling to the east coast, the Los Angeles Times periodically publishes tables for converting hours to miles.

The state can be broken down into six distinct geographical areas:

Southern California – Southern California is the area bounded on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Mohave Desert, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, and extends to just north of Santa Barbara. The area includes Los Angeles and San Diego. There is a common misconception that people actually live in the houses in Southern California. This is not true. Southern California is actually the world’s only moving condominium.

Central California – Central California is the sparsely populated refugee center for Southern California that starts just north of Santa Barbara and extends to just south of San Francisco. The area is bounded on the west by the Pacific Ocean and the east by the Coast Range.

Northern California – Everything north of San Francisco. This is an area populated by trees and people disguised as trees.

Central Valley – The largest valley in the United States. Bounded on the north by Northern California, on the west by the Coast Range, on the east by the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and on the south by the capital city of Oklahoma (Bakersfield). Probably the richest farming area in the world, the Central Valley is the third most boring place in the country. Iowa and Kansas had the first two places already taken.

Mohave Desert – this area lies east of Southern California and south of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. It extends into Nevada, Arizona, and Mexico. It is hot, dry, and inhospitable, but it is one of the great wonders of California. I must ; correct one common myth. The Mojave was not created by Charleton Heston for El Cid. It was created by Monte Hall for Let’s Make a Deal.

Sierra Nevada – Humungous mountains along our eastern border.

LANGUAGE AND NAMES

California was originally settled by the Spanish. Spanish and Indian names are common in all of California.

Port Hueneme – Pronounced ”wy nee mee” locally, it is pronounced “hew en a ma” by easterners. The eastern pronunciation actually is very close, since the word means “high colonic” in Spanish.

Point Mugu – Originally a home for near-sited explorers.

Camarillo – Pronounced “cam a ree yo”. Currently the locations of a hospital for the criminally insane, the name means “say what?” in Spanish.

Los Angeles – Literally “the angels”. The name is derived from a local baseball team.

San Diego – This is actually a mispronunciation of the Spanish words for a self-centered beach worshiper.

Ojai – Pronounced “o hi”. This is the first place the Spanish encountered local Indians.

Pismo Beach – Originally a convenience stop for the Spanish explorers.

Arroyo Grande – “Large creek” in Spanish. Named shortly after Pisom Beach.

Oceano – The “ocean” in Spanish. Names shortly after Arroyo Grande (there were a lot of explorers).

Grover Beach – Settled by a guy named Grover who settled here knowing all about Pismo Beach, Arroyo Grande and Oceano. He spent his last days as a urologist.

San Francisco – Named for the patron saint of strange people.

WEATHER

California has four distinct seasons:

1 – Summer – hot, earthquakes

2 - Fall wild fires, earthquakes

3 – Winter – rains, earthquakes

4 - Spring – mud slides, earthquakes

FOOD

California has almost every style of food, but Mexican food must be explained. Mexican food has three types – real Mexican food only for the purists, Mexican-American food for most of us, and Taco Bell for the tourists. Real Mexican salsa has been produced in large quantities recently since it has been found that it can be used as both a food and a paint remover.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500’s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby our with the bath water.”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs ) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the say “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying “dirt poor.”

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a “thresh hold.”

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was sign of wealth that a man “could bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”

England is old and small and local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized that they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”

And that’s the truth…

Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! ! !