By Bill Cosby
Whenever
your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from
the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend
to his kids.
After
creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And
the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”
“Don’t
what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat
the forbidden fruit.”
“Forbidden
fruit? Really? Where is it?”
“It’s over
there,” said God, wondering why He hadn’t stopped after
making the elephants.
A few
minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and
He was angry.
“Didn’t I
tell you not to eat that fruit?” the First Parent
asked.
“Uh Huh,”
Adam replied.
“Then why
did you?”
“I dunno,”
Adam answered.
God’s
punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of
their own.
Thus the
pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is
reassurance in this story.
If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and
they haven’t taken it, don’t be too hard on
yourself.
If God had
trouble handling children, what makes you think it would
be a piece of cake for you?
FISHINTALKWhen Fishermen Meet
‘’Hiyamac”
“Binearlong?”
“Cetchenny?”
“Goddafew”
“Kindarthay?”
“Bassencarp”
“Ennysizetoom?”
“Couplapowns”
“Hittinhard?”
“Sordalike”
“Wachoosen?”
“Gobbawurms”
“Fishanonaboddum?”
“Rydononaboddum”
“Whatchadrinking?”
“Jugajimbeam”
“Igoddago”
“Tubad”
“Seeyaroun”
“Yeahtakideezy”
“Guluck”
FEEDING THE BABY
A first-time
father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some
strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food
everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife
comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband
staring into space, and then says, “What in the world
are you doing?”
He replied,
“I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on
another.”
FISHING TRIP
Many years
ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin
sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t
think of what to name their children. Finally, after
several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on
names right now. If we wait a little while, the names
will simply occur to us.”
After
several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife
noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the
boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other
boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the
parents positioned the children, the same child always
faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards
and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and
from that point on, the boys were simply known as
Towards and Away.
The years
passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came
when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is
time that you learned how to make a living from the
sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes,
and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three
months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the
ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and
still no ship. Three whole years passed before the
grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house.
She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What
has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.
The ragged
fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely
one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish
was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled
upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet
eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and
Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was
swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them
again.
“Oh dear,
that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must
have been!”
“Yes, it
was, but you should have seen the one that got
Away……”
DRIVER’S PERMIT
A young man
had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his
father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of
the car. His father took him to the study and said to
the boy, “I’ll make a deal with you, son. You bring your
grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a
little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the
car.”
Well, the
boy thought about that for a moment and decided that
he’d best settle for the offer, and they agreed.
After about
six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father
about the car. Again they went to the study where his
father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You’ve
brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you’ve
been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in
the Bible study class on Sunday Morning. But I’m real
disappointed seeing as you haven’t got your hair
cut.”
The young
man paused a moment and then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve
been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies
of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long
hair, John the Baptizer had long hair, and there’s even
strong argument that Jesus Himself had long
hair.”
To which his
father replied, “Perhaps, and they WALKED everywhere
they went!”
DAD’S WORDS OF WISDOMFor all the
fathers out there, how many of these have you
said?
Don’t ask
me, ask your mother. Were you raised in a barn? Close
the door. You didn’t beat me. I let you win. Big boys
don’t cry. Don’t worry. It’s only blood. Don’t you know
any normal boys? Now you listen to ME, Buster! I’ll play
catch after I read the paper. Coffee will stunt your
growth. A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it
off. Get your elbows off the table. I told you, keep
your eye on the ball. Who said life was supposed to be
fair. Always say please and thank you. That way, you get
more. If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of
the world. You call that a haircut? “Hey” is for horses.
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you. Turn off
those lights. Do you think I am made of money? Don’t
give me any of your lip, young lady. You call that
noise” music”? We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where
we are. No, we’re not there yet. Shake it off. It’s only
pain. When I was your age, I treated MY father with
respect. As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live
by my rules. I’ll tell you why. Because I said so.
That’s why. Do what I say, not what I do. Sit up
straight! So you think you’re smart, do you? What’s so
funny? Wipe that smile off your face. Young ladies
perspire, they do not sweat. If I’ve told you once, I’ve
told you a thousand times. C’mon, you throw like a girl.
You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
You should visit more often. Your mother worries. This
is your last warning. I’m not sleeping, I was watching
that channel. What keeps those jeans of yours from
falling off? I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what
you see. What do you think I am, a bank? What part of NO
don’t you understand? I don’t care what other people are
doing! I’m not everybody else’s father! You’re not
leaving my house dressed like that! What will other
parents think? Could those sleeves be any longer? You
look like a bag lady! Worrying about things you can’t
change is like a rocking chair…it gives you something to
do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Hurt much? I didn’t
feel a thing. I feel for you, but I can’t reach you from
here. If you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve gotta be tough.
Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?! You can marry a
rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy. It’s hard
to be good, and easy to be bad. I got my tongue wrapped
around my eyetooth and couldn’t see what I was saying.
Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another
one will come along. Don’t tell on anybody unless you
tell on yourself first. Hey, did you hear me talking to
you? You know you’re always gonna be Daddy’s little
girl. I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.
Don’t use that tone with me! Am I talking to a brick
wall? If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll….
Act your age. Two wrongs do not make a right. Wipe your
feet! Enough is enough! Don’t make me stop the car! What
did I just get finished telling you?
GOLF TEES
It was a
sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his
pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a
voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the
gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men’s tee,
please!”
Murray was
still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption.
Again the
announcement - “Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee back up
to the men’s tee!”
Murray had
enough. He straightens up and shouts, “Would the
announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me
play me second shot?”
GENERATION GAP
During one
“generation gap” quarrel with his parents, young Michael
cried, “I want excitement, adventure, money, and
beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m
leaving. Don’t try and stop me!”
With that,
he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed
close behind.
“Didn’t you
hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop
me.”
“Who’s
trying to stop you?” replied his father. “If you wait a
minute, I’ll go with you.”
THE EIGHT SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY
DAUGHTER
By W. Bruce Cameron Copyright
1998
When I was
in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s
father, whom I believe suspected me of wanting to place
my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door
and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous
expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped,
felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years
later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how
unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my
dates; I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel
even worse. My motto: Wilt them in the living room and
they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll
call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is
that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to
APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I
have some basic rules, which I have carved into two
stone tablets that I have on display in my living
room.
Rule One: If
you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be
delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not
picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take
this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and
your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in
fact, come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place around your
waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex
without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am
the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I
need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six: I
have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me
as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once
you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process which can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with
my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or
anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there
are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter
to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic
or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter
claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me
attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple
rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too --- there are
only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the
record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that
I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t
remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is
prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing
the rules on his arm with a ballpoint might be
inadequate – ink washes off – and that my wood burning
set was probably a better alternative.
One time,
when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s
would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get
out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he
had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to
run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me
why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember
being that age?” she challenged.
Of course I
remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight
simple rules?
