JOINING THE ARMY
family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest
son announced that he had just signed up at an army
audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as
his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could
handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking, “
snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did
never get through basic training,” scoffed
recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just
gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked,
“Do you really plan to make your own bed every
morning?”NEW YORK CITY DRIVING RULES
will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver
never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be
circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, or the space will be
filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more
or more lanes in a single lane change is considered
“going with the flow.”
you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you have of getting hit.
Never get in
the way of an older car that needs extensive
to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage
as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without
ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful
information. They are only there to make Long Island
look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the
state police radar car parked on the median.
on the left when you can pass on the right.
are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and
are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if
someone is just changing a tire.
litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and
gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean
assumed that state police cars passing at light speed
may be followed in the event you need to make up a few
minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are
God’s way of ensuring a natural selection process for
body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle
ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of
sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his
ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of
crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The
ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was
efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting
a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his
accomplishment and was not all surprised when another
seaman approached him with a message from the
however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio
message, and he was even more surprised when he read,
“My personal congratulations upon completing your
underway preparation exercise according to the book and
with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have
overlooked one of the unwritten rules – Make Sure The
Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under
Way.”WANT TO GO HI-TECH?
This guy is
at the airport waiting for his flight, which leaves at
6:00 AM, but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for
someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past
carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech
watch, so he asks him for the time. They guy replies
“Sure which country?’ Our fella asks, “How many
countries have you got?” to which the reply is “All the
countries in the world!”
a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.”
nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail
and can even receive NTSC television channels and
display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD
incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. . . .
You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?”
actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900,
if you want it, it’s yours!”
watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook
fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.
takes off the watch and gives it to him.
“Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch!” and
then handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, “and
here are the batteries.”ON THE TARMAC
One night at
McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out
the security fence where a alarm had gone off. The fence
was at the end of base runway. When I got to the scene,
I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and
flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
air-traffic controller came over the public-address
system and announced loudly, “Attention to the airman at
the end of the runway. You are cleared for
Women are straightforward when it
comes to clanging the oil. However, it seems that there
are three types of men when it comes to this subject.
There is the typical man, the smart man, and the really
Pull up to
Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last
Drink a cup
later, write a check and leave with a properly
Go to the local auto parts store
and write a check for $50 for oil, oil filter, oil lift
(ADA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
that the used oil container is full. Instead of
recycling it properly. Dump it in a hole in back
Open a beer
and drink it.
Jack car up.
Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
stands under kid’s pedal car.
frustration, open another beer and drink it.
pan under engine.
9/16th box end wrench.
Give up and
use crescent wrench.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil.
Get hot oil on you in process.
beer while oil is draining.
Look for oil
Poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it
up. Finish the case with him. Decide to finish oil
drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during prior
drank it all yesterday.
7-11. Buy beer.
oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil
to gasket first.
quart of fresh oil into engine.
drain plug that fell in hot oil.
find drain plug in drain pan.
replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil
drains onto floor.
wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on
floorboard in reaction.
additional 10 minutes because wrench hit the pinup
calendar on the garage wall.
Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
additional 4 quarts of oil.
from jack stands.
crush one of the jack stands.
back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh
oil spilled during1 quart of fresh oil being put in
Drive car ½
quart low for 7000 miles when it’ll be past time for
another oil change.
that the proper tools are in place and at hand.
stand in underneath.
and drains oil.
not that the oil has stopped.
oil filter (who needs a wrench when they’re supposed to
be hand-tightened anyway?)
new oil filter (complete with freshly oiled ring) into
oil into the engine.
tools, pours old oil into container, lowers car from
jacks and jack stands. Recycles the oil properly.
well maintained vehicle.
mileage and notes that it’s time for an oil
the wife is going to the Mall this afternoon.
Ask if she’d
mind taking it into the Sears at the mall while she’s
a well-maintained vehicle and he doesn’t miss any
was on trail for murder. There was strong evidence
indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for
you all,” The lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this
case will walk into the courtroom.”
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned,
all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing
lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt
in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes
later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of
guilty. “But How?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have
had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The
jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client
didn’t.”A JURY FULL OF LAWYERS
A judge in a
semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for
driving under the influence, demanded a jury
nearly 4:00 PM and getting a jury would take time, so
the judge called a recess and went in the hall looking
to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they
were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel
experience and so followed the judge back in the
was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury
room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and
everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was
totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the
jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.
bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they got a
shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman
position.THE NAVY EXPERIENCE
Speaking Today On Behalf Of Those Of Us Who Have Family
Members That Think We Live (or Lived) a “TOP GUN”
existence. You know, those relatives who have watched
one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life
is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people
on how they can experience Navy like, right in the
comfort of their own homes.
1 - Buy a
dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months
straight. Have someone move it around during the days
2 - Run all
of your house piping and wires on the outside of the
3 - Pump 10
inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then
pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement ‘deck
gray.’ You must then pump this kind of nasty water back
into and out of your basement twice a day.
4 - Every
couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to
the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down,
trashiest bar you can, pay #10 per beer until you’re
hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5 - Perform
a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower.
Have your father-in-law ‘spot-check’ you every four
weeks and give you an assessment of your
6 - On
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water
temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and
Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and
Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too
much water during the week, so all showering is
7 - Raise
your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.
8 - Have
your next-door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 AM,
and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could her
it and shout ‘Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out
and trice up’.
9 - Have
your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to
do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00AM
climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in
the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come
out and read it to you.
10 - Eat the
raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and
hang a sign on it that reads “Secured – contact OA DIV
at ext …-3053’.
11 - Submit
a request form to your father-in–law, asking if it’s OK
for you to leave your house before 3:00PM.
12 - Invite
200 of your not-so-closet friends to come over, then
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6
months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards,
and since you’re on duty, wave at your friends and
family through the front window of your home…you can’t
leave until the next day.
13 - Shower
together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use
more than 60 seconds worth of shower water, and you can
only use hand-towels to dry off.
14 - Make
you family qualify to operate all the appliances in your
home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician,
etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of
operation, and then give them an oral review conducted
by three other previously qualified operators before
allowing them to operate the appliance.
15 - Walk
around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure
every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission
fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has
not been started. Record your readings in a log.
16 - sit in
your car and let it run for 4 hours before going
anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly
17 Empty all
the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway
three times a day, whether they need it or not.
18 - Repaint
your entire house once a month.
19 - cook
all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.
20 - Have
your neighbor collect all your mail for a month,
randomly losing every 5th item.
21 - Spend
$20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only
watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
22 - Have
your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat
23 - Sew
back pockets to the front of your pants.
24 - Attempt
to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get
25 - Ensure
that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the
dead bodies of your co-workers.
26 - Have
your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house
after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him
for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you
told him to do it.
27 - When
your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into
their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of you
lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to
man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if
they are not dressed and on station in four
28 - Post a
menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that
you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in
line at the front door for at least and hour. When they
finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out
of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs.
Repeat daily until they don’t pay attention to the menu
any more and they just ask for hot dogs.
29 - In the
middle of January, place a podium at the end of your
driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium,
rotating at 4-hour intervals.
30 - Lock
yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then
tell them that at the end of the 6th week
you’re going to take them to Disneyland for ’weekend
liberty’. When the end of the 6th week rolls
around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed
due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert,
and that it will be another week before they can leave
the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no
longer have any room in the budget for a trip to
Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that
should give them some much needed time in the fresh