JOINING THE ARMY

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking, “ snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?”

“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

NEW YORK CITY DRIVING RULES

Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered “going with the flow.”

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at light speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

NAVAL EFFICIENCY

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules – Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way.”

WANT TO GO HI-TECH?

This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight, which leaves at 6:00 AM, but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. They guy replies “Sure which country?’ Our fella asks, “How many countries have you got?” to which the reply is “All the countries in the world!”

“Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.”

“That’s nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD Screen!”

“Boy, that’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. . . . You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?”

“Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want it, it’s yours!”

Our watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.

The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. “Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch!” and then handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, “and here are the batteries.”

ON THE TARMAC

One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where a alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of base runway. When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.

Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly, “Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff.”

OIL CHANGE

Women are straightforward when it comes to clanging the oil. However, it seems that there are three types of men when it comes to this subject. There is the typical man, the smart man, and the really smart man.

WOMAN:

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

Drink a cup of coffee.

15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

TYPICAL MAN:

Go to the local auto parts store and write a check for $50 for oil, oil filter, oil lift (ADA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of recycling it properly. Dump it in a hole in back yard.

Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16th box end wrench.

Give up and use crescent wrench.

Unscrew drain plug.

Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Get hot oil on you in process.

Clean up.

Have another beer while oil is draining.

Look for oil filter wrench.

Give up. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

Beer.

Buddy shows up. Finish the case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.

Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during prior action.

Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11. Buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

Remember drain plug that fell in hot oil.

Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

Bang head on floorboard in reaction.

Begin cussing fit.

Throw wrench

Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit the pinup calendar on the garage wall.

Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

Beer.

Beer.

Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

Beer.

Lower car from jack stands.

Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during1 quart of fresh oil being put in engine.

Drive car ½ quart low for 7000 miles when it’ll be past time for another oil change.

SMART MAN:

Makes sure that the proper tools are in place and at hand.

Jacks the car.

Places jack stand in underneath.

Removes plug and drains oil.

Replaces pug not that the oil has stopped.

Removes used oil filter (who needs a wrench when they’re supposed to be hand-tightened anyway?)

Hand-tightens new oil filter (complete with freshly oiled ring) into place.

Pours new oil into the engine.

Cleans tools, pours old oil into container, lowers car from jacks and jack stands. Recycles the oil properly.

Drives a well maintained vehicle.

REALLY SMART MAN:

Checks his mileage and notes that it’s time for an oil change.

Notes that the wife is going to the Mall this afternoon.

Ask if she’d mind taking it into the Sears at the mall while she’s there.

Wife drives a well-maintained vehicle and he doesn’t miss any football.

JURY DELIBERATION

A defendant was on trail for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” The lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into the courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But How?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

A JURY FULL OF LAWYERS

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4:00 PM and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back in the courtroom

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.

 

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they got a verdict yet?”

The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman position.

THE NAVY EXPERIENCE

I Am Speaking Today On Behalf Of Those Of Us Who Have Family Members That Think We Live (or Lived) a “TOP GUN” existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy like, right in the comfort of their own homes.

1 - Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND nights.

2 - Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls.<

3 - Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement ‘deck gray.’ You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day.

4 - Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay #10 per beer until you’re hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5 - Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law ‘spot-check’ you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique.

6 - On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7 - Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.

8 - Have your next-door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 AM, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could her it and shout ‘Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up’.

9 - Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00AM climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you.

10 - Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads “Secured – contact OA DIV at ext …-3053’.

11 - Submit a request form to your father-in–law, asking if it’s OK for you to leave your house before 3:00PM.

12 - Invite 200 of your not-so-closet friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you’re on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home…you can’t leave until the next day.

13 - Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off.

14 - Make you family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance.

15 - Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log.

16 - sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly ‘litoff’.

17 Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not.

18 - Repaint your entire house once a month.

19 - cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20 - Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5^th item.

21 - Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

22 - Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

23 - Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

24 - Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

25 - Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

26 - Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it.

27 - When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of you lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes.

28 - Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least and hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don’t pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.

29 - In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

30 - Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6^th week you’re going to take them to Disneyland for ’weekend liberty’. When the end of the 6^th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.