The Secret Language of Women

(Men should probably commit this to memory…)

Fine: This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. Never use “Fine” to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it’s an even trade.

Nothing: This means something. You should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow ”Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing “ and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get the "Raised eyebrows" “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them.

That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful so you don’t get a “That’s Okay.”

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you’re welcome.

Thanks A Lot: This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

What Men Really Mean

I’m going fishing. I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and start by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Let’s take your car. Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.

Woman driver. Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.

I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen. As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.

It’s a guy thing. There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner? Why isn’t it already on the table?

Uh huh, Sure, Honey or Yes dear. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

Good idea. It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.

Have you lost weight? I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.

It would take too long to explain. I have no idea how it works.

I’m getting more exercise lately. The batteries in the remote are dead.

I got a lot done. I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.

We’re going to be late. Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

You cook just like my mother used to. She used the smoke detector as a meal timer too.

Take a break, honey; you’re working too hard. I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

That’s interesting, dear. Are you still talking?

Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love. I forgot our anniversary again.

You expect too much of me You want me to stay awake.

It’s a really good movie. It’s got guns, knives, fast cars and Heather Locklear. (or Rene Russo)

Will you marry me? Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer and dryer, and there is no more peanut butter.

Go ask your mother. I am incapable of making a decision.

You know how bad my memory is. I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself; it’s no big deal. I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.

I do help around the house. I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing. And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I can’t find it. It didn’t fall into my outstretched hand, so I’m completely clueless.

What did I do this time? What did you catch me at?

What do you mean, you need new clothes? You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.

I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys. I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding and mouth breathing with pre-evolutionary companions.

I heard you. “ Haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

You look terrific. Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.

I brought you a present. It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.

I miss you. I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are. No one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework. I make the messes, she cleans them up.

This relationship is getting too serious. I like you more than my truck.

I recycle. We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.

Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful. Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

It sure snowed last night. I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.

It’s good beer. It was on sale.

I don’t need to read the instructions. I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

I’ll fix the garbage disposal later. If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.

I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant. Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.

I broke up with her. She dumped me.

Loving Spouse

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office for his checkup. Afterward, the doctor took his wife aside and said. “Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die.” The doctor then went on the say, “Here’s what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so that you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each evening and don’t overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so that he doesn’t get exposed to any threatening germs.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.

She replied, “He said that you were going to die.”

Parent’s Glossary of Kid’s Kitchen Terms

APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (Last One): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking.

FROZEN: Condition of children’s jaws when spinach is served.

FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS: The only thing kinds will share freely.

KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as “gross.”

LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don’t have to pay dental bills.

MACORONI: Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage and constant guard duty.

PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art galley.

SODA POP: Shake ’N Spray.

TABLE: A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.

THIRSTY: How your child feels after you’ve said your final “good night.”

KIDS

‘Give me a sentence about a public servant,’ said a teacher. A small boy wrote: ‘The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.’ The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. ‘Don’t you know what pregnant means?’ she asked. ‘Sure,’ said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.’

A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, ‘Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?’ Her grandson said, ‘Grandma, it says on TV …. ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in you cup!’

Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy’s picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. ‘The flight to Egypt,’ said Jimmy. ‘I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,’ Ms. Susie said. ‘But who’s the fourth person?’ ‘Oh, that’s Pontius the Pilot.’

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, ‘How do you expect to get into heaven?’ The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.’

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. ‘they use him to keep crowds back,’ said one youngster. ‘No,’ said another, ‘he’s just for good luck.’ A third child brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs,’ she said firmly, ‘to find the fire hydrant.’