Attainable New Year’s Resolutions

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

Stop Exercising. Waste of time.

Read less.

Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more.

Drink. Drink some more.

Take up a new habit: smoking.

Spend at least $1,000 a month on hookers.

Spend more time at work.

Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Quit giving money and time to charity.

Personal goal: bring back disco.

Start being superstitious.

Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic works.

Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.

Wal-Mart Shopping

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/shopping partner is taking their sweet time:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3 in house ware’ …. And see what happens.

Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of ‘M&M’s’ on lay away.

Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

While handling the guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from “Mission Impossible”.

In the auto department, practice your “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME!”

When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voice again!!!!”

And last but not least: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly “There is no toilet paper in here!”

New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies

I will try to figure out why I * really * need 9 e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children – my own.

I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person..

I resolve to back up my 12 GB hard drive daily … well, once a week …okay, monthly then … or maybe …

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m, not a clock watcher.

When I hear “Where do you want to go today?” I will not reply “MS Tech Support”

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL …LOL!”

I will read the annual … just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than “password.”

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning … 4:30 is much more practical.

I resolve … I resolve to … I resolve to, uh … I resolve to, uh, get my, er … I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Why We are Tired!!!

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s why:

The population of this country is 273 million 140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with tracking down terrorists.

Which leaves 16.2 Million to do the work.

Then we have the total of 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me-and there you are, sitting on your butt at your computer reading jokes.

North Pole Goes Corporate

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement plan package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was no longer appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernable loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of his load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economic measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French Hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is under way to determine whom the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a –mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phase out as there individuals grown older and can no long do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the saving are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings that will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries of 12 days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved

Regarding the lawsuit by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers a-suing”) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.