Holiday Eating Tips

I hate aspects of this time of year.  Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their waging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1-About those carrot sticks.  Avoid them.  Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2-Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare.  In fact, it’s even more rare than single-malt scotch.  You can’t find it any other time of the year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something.  It’s a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one for me.  Have two.  It’s later than you think.  It’s Christmas!

3-If something comes with gravy, use it.  That’s the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone.  Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

4-As for mashed potatoes, always ask it they’re made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it’s skim, pass.  Why bother?  It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5-Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.  He whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free.  Lots of it.  Hello??  Remember college?

6-Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years, you can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7-If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa.  Position yourself near them, and don’t budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes.  You can’t leave them behind.   You’re not going to see them again.

8-Same for pies.  Apple.  Pumpkin.  Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three.  When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?

9-Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean have some standards, mate.

10-And one final tip:  If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.  Reread tips.  Start over.  But Hurry!  Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Martha Stewart Christmas Wish

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much.  This year is no exception.  I don’t need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers.  I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.  I want to slap Martha Stewart.  Now, hear me out, Santa.  I won’t scar her or draw blood or anything.  Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek.  I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.  Don’t grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country.  Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you’ll be giving a gift to us all.  Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren’t concerned with gracious living.  We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.  We’re tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat good.  We’re plumb out of liquid gold, unless it’s of the furniture polish variety.  We can’t whip up Martha’s creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric.  Most of us can’t even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I’m being a little harsh.  But I’ll bet with all the holiday rush you didn’t catch that interview with Martha in last week’s USA Weekend.  I’m surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.  We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she’s only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold.  When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, “I don’t have a microwave.  The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this “in a tone that suggests you shouldn’t either.”  Well lah-dee-dah.  Imagine that, Santa!  That lovely microwave you brought me years ago in which I’ve learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha.  What next?  The coffee maker?  In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home.  Forty sets.  Can you spell “overkill”?  And neatly put away, no less.  If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as “put away” in my house!

Martha tells us she’s already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.  “Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone,” she boasts.  Not just scarves, mind you.  Amazing scarves.  Martha’s obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back.  In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.  She goes on to tell us that, “homemaking is glamour for the 90s”, and says her most glamorous friends are “interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel.”  I have one piece of advice, Martha, “Get new friends.”  Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim.  They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets.  They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs.  They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America’s 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).  The proof of Martha’s influence:  after she bought white fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, “People saw me buy them, and in an instant, they were all gone.”  I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.  (Or maybe, on second thought….)  A guest in Martha’s home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.  This confirms what I’ve suspected about Martha all along:  She’s obviously got too much time on her hands.  Teaching the dogs to rollerblade.  What a show off.  If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends:  She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library.  It didn’t cost much.  Pocket change, really.  Just $5,000.  But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, “Don’t envy me.  I’ m doing this because I’m a natural teacher.  You shouldn’t envy teachers.  You should listen to them.”  Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha’s ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn’t be held back.  “Being and overachiever is nothing despicable.  It is only admirable.  Never lower your standards,” say Martha.  And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an “important presence” as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. 

There you have it, Santa.  If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it’s Martha Stewart.  But I bet I won’t get my gift this year.  You probably want to smack her yourself.

Women Drivers

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.  I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.  As a man, I don’t scare easily.  But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.  In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the dang phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.  Danged women drivers!

Christmas Dinner

A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before Christmas dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation.  He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one.  Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.  Then he began to thank God for the food.  He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited—and waited.  After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying!”

Wisdom from Grandpa

1. Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
2. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt that he forgets his sugar.
3. Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
4. When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
5. If a man has enough “horse sense” to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
6. Judgin’ from the specimens they pick for husbands, it’s no wonder that brides often blush.
7. On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past…but never the present.
8. A foolish husband remarks to his wife:  “Honey, you stick to the washing’, ironin’, cookin’, and scrubbin’.  No wife of mine is gonna work.
9. The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
10. Many girls like to marry a military man-he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health…and he’s already used to taking orders.
11. Grandpappy and his wife were discussin’ their 50^th anniversary when she said, “Shall I kill a chicken tonight?”  “Naw, said Grandpappy, “Why blame a bird for somethin’ that happened 50 years ago?”
12. No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.