MARTHA STEWART THANKSGIVING (NOT!)

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit Plate and the Santa Napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the town of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 A.M. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table…in a separate room...next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: do not under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins of type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either. I am thankful.

LIVING IN 2003

You know you’re living in 2003 when……

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone call from home, you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9. You learn you’ve been laid off on the 11 o’clock news.

11. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

13. You read this list, and keep nodding smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”.

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

17. You actually scrolled back up to see if there was a No. 9 or not.

COLLEGE STUDENTS AND THANKSGIVING

The Top Ten Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward To Thanksgiving Break and Going Home for the Holidays

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving you mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12 X 14 cell … okay, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall … in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to “when I first started teaching here …” you can be entertained by “when your mother was your age …” and “during the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford was the sprout!”

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.

2. You’ll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

And, The number one reason college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving…

1. You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

LITTLE GEMS FOR THOUGHT

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the guy who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…and replaced by exact duplicates.”

Here are some more of his gems:

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of Dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My Mechanic told me I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

Now on a little more serious note.

I AM THANKFUL …

for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

for the clothes that fit a little to snug because it means I have enough to eat.

for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

For the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

For the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

For the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

For getting too much e-mail because it let me know I have friends who are thinking of me.