The Horn

One Day while driving with my 4 year old daughter, I beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said, “I did that by accident.”

She replied, “I know that….’cause you didn’t say YOU JERK afterwards!”

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said. “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Great Truths of Life

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I’m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Car Sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere – and let the air out of their tires.

Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

Faster Than A Speeding Chicken

In a recent issue of “Meat & Poultry” magazine, editors quoted from” Feathers,” the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing.

They borrowed the FAA’S chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer’s chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

“Use a thawed chicken.”

Another slant on the story. His time provided by IJMC, The (I)nternational (J)unk (M)ail (C)learinghouse.

One person who used to work for British Aerospace tells a similar story (which he swears is true) that these machines are actually used to fire chickens into jet engines to simulate bird strikes on the compressor blades. To make a long story short, in order to thaw the chicken, someone left it in the gun overnight and performed the test in the morning. The results were somewhat different than expected and close examination of the high speed video footage showed a very startled looking stray cat clinging to a half-eaten chicken as it exited the gun at MACH 0.7.

High School Science

These are actual answers given on High School Science tests:

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossil while others preferred to be oil.

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.

The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing a voluntary ones.

Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The heads sit on the top and you sit on the bottom.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Some people say we condescended from the apes.

The leopard has black spots, which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy.

The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and the abominable cavity.

Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into the sun in the daytime.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

A liter is a nest of young baby animals.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side.

A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don’t, why you should.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.

As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.<

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit so never mind.

Good Manners

“Grandpa, I’m really; proud of you,” said the modish young lady.

“What’s to be proud of?” asked the old man.

The young lady replied, “ I noticed that when you sneeze, you put your hand in front of your mouth.”

“Of course,” explained Grandpa. “How else can I catch my teeth???”

If You Love Something……

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in you living room, messes up you stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as it you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Engineers and Managers

A Software Engineer, A Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: They were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Departmental Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, Formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army Knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”