GCF: At the Zoo

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

 

GCF: Marriage Communication

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

 

GCF: The Bet

At a party, a woman walked up to Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."

Coolidge replied, "You lose."

 

GCF: For the Record

A radio announcer was introducing a record, "The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?"

There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."

 

GCF: City Life

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into a new apartment house in town. Very early the next morning, our 6 year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.  I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit
bothering us.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.  "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Every house has doorbells - and they all work!"

GCF: Window Seats

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."

 

GCF: Wedding Vows

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said: "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

His bride replied: "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

 

GCF: Henry Ford

The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"

One of the students wrote: "0% financing."

 

GCF: Environmentalist?

My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely.  "Ivory."

 

**To give credit where credit is due. These bits of humor come from Thomas S. Ellsworth.

 

THE RULES

 

Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

 

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

 

Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

 

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

 

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

 

Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

 

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.

 

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

 

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

 

Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

 

Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.

Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

 

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

 

Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.

Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber’s day off.

 

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed.

When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

 

Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

 

Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

 

Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.