HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF
INSANITY
At
lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer
at passing cares to see if they slow down.
Page
yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your
voice.)
Insist that
your email address is:
Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com
or
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
Every time
someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
Encourage
your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.
Put your
garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.
Develop an
unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in
the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine additions, switch to
espresso.
Reply to
everything someone says with, “That’s what you
think.”
Finish all
your sentences with “in accordance with the
prophecy.”
Adjust the
tint on your monitor so the brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it
that way.
Don’t use
any punctuation.
As often as
possible, skip rather than walk.
Specify that
your drive-through order is “to go.”
Sing along
at the opera.
Go to a
poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
Find out
where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them on the day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if you boss is the opposite
gender.)
Put mosquito
netting around your cubicle.
Send email
to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re
doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the
bathroom.
Five days in
advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their part
because you’re not in the mood
Call 911 and
ask if 911 is for emergencies.
Have your
co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock
Hard."
When the
money comes out of ATM, scream, “I won!” “I won!”, the
3rd time this week!!!
When leaving
the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling,
“run for your lives, they’re loose!”
Tell your
boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me,
it’s the voices in your head.
Tell your
children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."
Every time
you see a broom yell, “Honey, your mother is
here.”
And the
final way to annoy people, send this email to everyone
in your book, even if they sent it to you or have asked
you not to send them stuff like this.
THINGS
YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK
1. I
see your point, but I still think you're full of
baloney.
2. I
don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
to pronounce.
3.
How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I
see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
5.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
to see it my way.
6.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.
I'm out of my mind; however, feel free to leave a
message.
8. I
don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word
you're saying.
10.
Ahhh. . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us
again.
11.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
stupid.
12.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a
damn.
14.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
15.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
about you.
16.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
17.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're
an artist.
18.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to
burn ff.
22.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
23.
And your crybaby whiny opinion would be. . . ???
24.
Do I look like a people person?
25.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
26.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it
left.
27.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36.
Chaos, panic, & disorder--my work here is
done.
37.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
GCF:
New Teacher
It
was the first day at school. The students were all in
their seats, waiting
for the new teacher to start. The
teacher stands up, and says, "Whoever in here thinks
they are stupid,
please stand up." The
students all looked at each other, and finally, one boy
stood up. "Do
you think you're stupid?" asked the teacher.
"No,
said the little boy, "but I didn't want you standing
there alone."
GCF:
Petty Argument A
husband and wife were involved in a petty argument,
both
of
them unwilling to admit they might be in
error.
"I'll
admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in
a
conciliatory
attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He
agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go
first.
"I'm
wrong," she said. With
a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're
right!"
GCF:
Basic Training After
about three weeks in basic training, my husband's
unit
was
not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant
threatened
to
send them all back three weeks to start over.
Apparently,
at
least one new soldier was already reconsidering his
career
choice.
As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an
anonymous
voice
called out,
"How
about sending us back FOUR weeks?"
GCF:
Teaching a Lesson
A
rolled up newspaper can be an effective training tool
when used properly. For
instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews
up something
inappropriate
or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to
the
destroyed
object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper...
and hit
yourself
over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I
FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG, I FORGOT TO WATCH MY
DOG!"
GCF:
Flying Home
A
student was heading home for the holidays. When she got
to
the
airline counter, she presented her ticket to New
York.
As
she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark,
"I'd
like
you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my
red
suitcase
to London."
The
confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do
that."
"Really???
I am so relieved to hear you say that
because
that's
exactly what you did to my luggage last
year!"
GCF:
Creditors A
man who was really getting behind in paying his
bills
finally
received the following note from one of
his
creditors:
"Dear Sir, Your account has been on our
books
for
over a year. We want to remind you that we have
now
carried
you longer than your mother did."
**Those jokes
labeled GFC come from a subscription to Good Clean Fun
managed by Tom Ellsworth. To join Good Clean Fun, email:
good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
