A middle-aged man and his wife are out to dinner to celebrate her forty-fifth birthday.

He says, "So, what would you like, Sarah? A Jaguar? A mink coat? A diamond necklace? A cruise?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

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He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly." She said, "Well, you succeeded."

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He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said, "That's a good idea ... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

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He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor.

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" “It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb....
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It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.  Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ‘smart’ cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky in his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun they had in the oven.  He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.  The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Love is grand
divorce is a hundred grand.
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I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
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Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
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There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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I am a nutritional overachiever.
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
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Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
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Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
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