Frozen Turkeys
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her
family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
(Ellsworth)
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GCF: Aspirin Overdose
Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My
little Jimmy
swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I
do?"
The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a
dozen?"
The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm
scared to death!"
The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little
Jimmy crying?"
Jane says "No."
"Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor.
"No." says Jimmy's mom.
The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his
color funny?"
Again Jane says "No."
"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor.
"No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All
that aspirin...
shouldn't I do something?"
To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a
headache."
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GCF: The Broken Doll
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the
house,
crying as though her heart would break.
"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.
"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.
"How did he break it, Emily?"
"I hit him over the head with
it."
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GCF: Chicago Cab Driver
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh
department store
about a dozen blocks from our
hotel.
My husband obligingly hailed a cab.
"The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the
driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.
"And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to
the
bank?"
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A
mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a
little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his
head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I
smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out
of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell
honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of
the hole
to sniff the air, but can't because the
bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can
smell
is....
MOLASSES!
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Subject: Potentially fatal things to tell
your pregnant wife!!!!
I just finished all the
Oreos.
Not to imply anything, but
I don't think the kid weighs 40
pounds.
Y'know, looking at her,
you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a
baby.
I sure hope your thighs
aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever.
Well, couldn't they induce
labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about 5
pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard
Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a
stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt.
Whoa! For a minute
there I thought I woke up next to Willard
Scott.
I'm jealous! Why
can't men experience the joy of
childbirth?
And your ankles are
supposed to look like that?
Geez, you're awfully puffy-looking
lately.
Got
milk?
Maybe we should name the
baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tatoo
on your hip is the size of
Madagascar!
Retaining water?
Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains
water.
and the number one fatal
thing to say.......
You don't have the guts to
pull the trigger.
