The Bear

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.

Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.

His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, “Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!”

The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air.  Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, “Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive....”

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An old school teacher was having her retirement party.  Various students came by to say so long, and some to bring gifts. 

A young lady brought a long box. "Oh", said the teacher, "Your family has the flower shop.  I'll just bet you have a bunch of flowers for me."  Sure enough, there were 24 long-stemmed roses.

A little boy was next, and he had a big box. "You know, your Mom runs a candy store.  I bet this is a big box of my favorite chocolates."  And that was exactly what was found in the box.

Next came a little fellow whose father ran a liquor store.  He seemed a little nervous, and the teacher noticed there was something dropping from one corner of cardboard box.  "Well, Johnnie, I'll just bet you have a nice bottle of wine for me." Well, Johnnie only shook his head.  So teacher reached out a finger, smelled it, and said, "No, it really does not smell like wine.  Here, let me taste it."  And she again, caught some liquid on her finger, and tasted carefully.  "Well, Johnnie, it would guess it might be Vodka.  Now come on, kid, tell your old teacher what you really have in that box."

Johnnie said, "A puppy."

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The following is an accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly; I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down to me. This explains the two broken legs.  This explains why I cited "poor planning" as the cause of the accident.

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This is a true one!

One year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., that going into the final they had a solid A.

These two friends were confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U of Virginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.  They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. 

The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.  “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.”

They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.  (Remember now, they were in separate rooms)  It said:(95 points)  Which tire?